I did not realize that you and your WH had started dating while he was still married. This changes things a lot.

Clearly, we already knew your H had a renter's mentality but he also does not value marriage very much.

His family's support of his waywardism is also a big problem.

RS, I am so sorry to tell you that not only would I want to see your H (1) completely end his A with OW but also (2) come to you on bended knee, remorseful and willing to make changes and (3) have NC with his family until such time that you would be enthusiastic about it.

Agree that you should go into Plan B asap.

You did a great plan A at school. Keep doing the best plan A until you speak with Dr Harley.

No point in going into plan B and then you talk to Dr Harley and he wants you to still plan A for now. You doing flip flops shows WH that whatever you say will not matter.

However if your WH calls up and starts in on talking about OW tell him if he wants to talk about us, the kids find, otherwise you have to go and hang up.

I'm quite sure Dr H is going to recommend Plan B for you Rock, so can you get it lined up? I'm sure Dr H will make other points but I can't see him advising you continue to prop up the cake eating.

Separate finances, get someone to pick up/drop off the children, get back up childcare, see a lawyer (just for guidance re separation, kids and whether you should counter file a D), and set up a visitation schedule routine you will want to enforce.

You will also need an intermediary. A good one with this master manipulator. Do you have a good, level headed friend? Someone neutral? We have a training thread here.

Read the link in my sig for Plan B.

Agree.

TR, I don't think I have ever heard him recommend it continuing Plan A in circumstances like these. If she was still living with him, of course, she would continue in Plan A until she could get him out.

The only other time I have heard him recommend extending Plan A is if the BW was doing well emotionally, but it is pretty clear from RS's postings that that is not the case here.

And RS, do not take that personally. Dr Harley doesn't recommend more than a couple of weeks of Plan A for a woman because it is so incredibly stressful and potentionally damaging for your health.

Men do not like to be pursued anyway. You have made it clear to your H that if he was to end his affair and return to the M that you would be willing to make changes (you even told him you were learning MB). That is the main purpose of Plan A. I think any more interactions with your H will just lead to lovebusters.

Thanks everyone.

I don't know who I could have as my IM. I don't think any of my friends would be willing to do it or get involved. Does it have to be someone who lives close by?

My H already seems to have an IM getting other members of his family to drop our son off.

I want to Plan B and just disappear. I'm so scared. What do you do if you do run into husband in Plan B? Like out shopping or something?

Joyce said she was going to answer my letter today but I haven't heard anything and I think the show has already aired? I tried to listen to the rebroadcast on the internet but I could not find anything? Was really counting on hearing her reply today?

Has anybody heard if she answered me? Thanks

I heard your question on the Radio Show today;
Dr Harley encouraged you to enter Plan B immediately.

Wow thank you so much JediKnight. Do you know if there's a link up yet? I can't find one and haven't been emailed anything. Thanks

Also we can't seem to agree on child arrangements for our son eg: pick up and drop off.

I am considering mediation so we can agree on things.

If we do mediation that will mean I have to see him. I don't want to see him if I'm in Plan B but I need to have a parenting plan in place and I'm not going to just lie down and agree to whatever he says.

Click the link on the right side of the page that says listen now. It will be continuously rerun for 24 hours until the next days broadcast begins.

Then someone who has paid access to the archives can post a link for you to refer to in the future, which seems to take about 1-2 weeks before the archived episode is available.

I am going to listen to your segment now.

LTL

What are some of the issues? Maybe we can help you come up with a solution/s.

Why can't the drop off/pick up be at the school? What has the visitation schedule been for the past year?

I am not against plan B. I am against her going to plan B before she talks with Dr H. It is in her best interests to wait for Dr H.

I just read this. Green light to me.

Understood.

I was just pointing out that the more I thought about the circumstances in this case (they are already separated and he is living with OW) I am pretty sure I have heard Dr Harley say across the board to go into Plan B. I am pretty sure I have heard him say he wouldn't ever recommend more Plan A in this situation.

At first, when I posted the CaliSun thread to her, I thought her WH may still be upset about her A and feeling unsafe with her, unsure about her willingness to meet his ENs. But that was not the case at all here.

And it takes to to get into Plan B anyway. Posters were encouraging her to start the Plan B process which can take a couple of days.

She is sort of already in Plan B, albeit by her H's doing, but now she needs to concentrate on plugging the holes.

The contact or phone conversations are to be met with the stock answer of, Once The OW is out of our home, then we can talk, per Dr. Harley on todays show. She was not advised to write a N/C letter and just become dark until the H does the right thing.

LTL

You can listen to the Rebroadcast on the Marriage Builder website until about 1 pm New York Eastern Standard Time

You should contact a lawyer.
Tell the lawyer you have been advised by a clinical psychologist to have no direct contact with your husband.

I just listened to Dr Harley's advice for me. It feels like there is no hope anymore.

I don't know to rebuild my life. I can't see my life getting any better.

I know I have to do the NC now.

Our visitation with our son has always been 50/50. On the nights he had our son he would come here every morning and we would both get him ready for school then I would take my son to school every day. I also picked him up from school every day and H would come and pick him up from my place after work when it was his night with him.

Now it's all changed and H has been dropping our son to school in the mornings when it's his turn so he doesn't have to see me and wants to pick him up from school on his nights as well.

So now I don't get to take him every day and pick him up. I'm used to this and so is my son. I'm part of the school community and is this is MY thing that I do with my son. I feel like I am being pushed away from the school.

I won't allow it. I need to be my with my son. We have a special bond, at the moments he's all I've got and I don't want my time taken away from him.

I feel helpless not being able to get him ready for school and get him organised and have him ready and make sure he has everything. My husband always forgets things and or he won't have what he needs for my son.

I'm going to write out a plan that I want and email it to him. If he doesn't agree then I am going to arrange mediation to get it sorted. I did tell my H that I am not going to just accept his terms because he says. We need to both agree.

If it goes to mediation then I will have to see him and I don't want to see him because it is so painful and heartbreaking.

Do you think my H will ever come out of the fog? He said he is content with girlfriend.

Do you think my H will ever come out of the fog? He said he is content with girlfriend.

--------

Numbers don't lie.
Statistically he stands a very small chance of success in his relationship .
However even when he comes out of t he fog there is no guarantee he will committl to being a "buyer"

My impression is that he grabbed on to MB during your affair but didn't buy into th program and that he will go through his life this way.

I suggest you focus exclusively on parenting at this point.
Also KEEP YOUR BOUNDARIES.HIGH.

I have read of others being in mediation without having to see each other. The H and W are set up in separate rooms and the mediator goes back and forth to address and readdress the issues open for negotiations.

LTL