Thank you everyone.

I have emailed my husband a proposal of what I want regarding our son. It is kind of NC letter too. I told him if he is not in agreement with my proposal then I will organise the mediation.

I was very composed in the letter and factual in my proposal regarding child arrangements.

I ended the letter with this:

Unfortunately I can no longer talk to you while you continue to be in a relationship with OW. It is too painful for me to endure.

I love you with all my heart and hope one day our marriage can be repaired.

Love always
rocksolid.

Is this okay?

What have you decided to do about pick ups and drop offs? Is it happening at school or a third party's house?

Some Plan Bers just have their kids walk outside to the WS's car if they are old enough. As long as you stay out of sight and don't peek it is fine.

I realise that your WH doesn't do things the way you like and is forgetful, but you have to let him stand (or rather fall) on his own two feet now. You just have to concentrate on your own parenting when DS is with you, and just accept that WH has his own parenting to do when he is with him. Whether it is good or bad is up to him.

An IM is imperative. Don't send your Plan B letter before you have all your ducks in a row and an IM to respond to WH. Then change all your contact details.

I'd be willing to be your email IM if you are stuck for someone, but all you need is someone cool and calm and who can learn some easy steps on our training thread. I used an MBer for my IM.

I don't know if this has been said but you should drop all your friends and family that supported your affair. Whether or not you reconcile, people like that never want you to do well and thrive on drama and misery all the while pretending to care.

I had already emailed the letter to him

He hasn't responded yet. I went through each day what I proposed to happen. It involves him picking him and dropping him to school some days and me picking him and dropping him most days.

I proposed that 2 of the days that his daughters boyfriend ONLY would come and pick him up from my home. He has already been doing this so thought this could continue to work.

I also said that my H is still free to come to my son's sport lessons as we have always done this and my son likes us both being there. I stated that if we are both there then I will not be sitting with him or talking to him.

I don't think I can completely get out of seeing him once a week at my son's lesson. I don't want to miss out seeing my son's lesson. I'm the one who takes him to the lesson every week and I can't stop my husband turning up.

I told him that any communication would be via text message or email.

Should I change that and tell him it will be through an IM?

Indie that would be great if you would be an IM and very kind of you. But was wondering if it would work if you are in a different country and times are different? I think I am 10 hours ahead of you. So if my husband or I had a question or issue they wouldn't get an answer for ten hours or maybe longer?

So for that reason I think I will be more inclined to find someone close by to me. But thank you so much!

Is there any way I can do this without an IM?

Tranquil no one really knew about it as we kept it well hidden.

Thank you learnedtoolate. I am hoping that it won't come to mediation as it costs a lot of money. But that is helpful to know that we don't have to be in the same room.

SusieQ - I actually still read the Calisun thread you gave me. I still found it helpful and gave me a tiny bit of hope. Just reading all I can right now.

I will find it very hard to wait two years and see what happens.

At the moment I am very lost and don't know how to move forward with my life. Everything seems hopeless.

Dr Harley encouraged you to enter Plan B.
In Plan B you would have no direct contact with him.
Use an IM Block his cell phone, email etc

Okay Jedi. I'm just so new to this and finding it difficult. I have a friend I can ask to be the IM.

Is there any links to info about the thoughts of a WS or being in the fog? I seem to remember seeing some but can't find anywhere. Thank you so much everyone for helping me all the time. I so appreciate all your advice.

This will be a big crack in your Plan B. If you are serious about Plan B, this can't happen. I am not sure the solution, but this won't work. Just so you know, if you aren't in Plan A or Plan B, then you are in Plan C which is the most likely to lead to divorce.


Yes, there needs to be an IM. In addition, you will need to change your cell phone number and email or at the very least block him.


Please don't send any other letters until you have all these loose ends wrapped up. ANd post what you are going to send (redacting any personal info) before sending. I wish you had done that with the first letter. What did you list as a condition of recovery?

Hi Susie

I don't know how to work around our son's sporting lessons. I don't want to have to give up watching him and I'm sure my H won't either.

I didn't list any condition of recovery. I just said while he was with her I cannot remain talking to him.

And the thing with changing my cell number - When my son is at H house I always call my son to say goodnight. Vice versa my H usually does the same when my son is with me.

Do I have to give up saying goodnight to my son so as for H not to have my phone number anymore?

I'm really struggling to do this right

Keep your eyes on the long-term goal. It is best for your son if you succeed in repairing your M. It is best for your son, if the marital repair doesn't succeed, that you are sane and the best mom that you can be.

Both of those options require a truly dark Plan B.

No more Monday Morning Peeksies, no more sporting events that both of you attend. No more contact of any sort, direct or indirect. That is the best for your son. He'll survive the other changes, but needs you to be his rock. You can only be that for him if you're dark.

Contact = you groveling and crying on the ground in front of your child

NC = you strong, and implementing necessary changes with grace and poise

Which do you think is better?

Just Google, "Wayward Spouse Fog" and you will get the picture. The top links are not from MB, but they accurately describe the always present phenomena.

<<<<EDIT>>>

LTL

Rock, you can't both still go to the sports lessons. That simply won't work and that sort of half-serious attitude to NC will just make him laugh and continue to view you as on-the-side-cake. Plan B is COMPLETELY dark.

He's already made a laughing stock of his own 'plans' by continuing contact after claiming he's going to go NC. If you follow suit with the exact same 'Plan C' approach, not only will it not work but he won't take it seriously at all.

Show him how to laugh on the other side of his face because you can do MB the RIGHT way. You have a higher integrity than he can even dream of right now.

You can a) exclude him, and let him find things to share with DS on HIS parenting days. Or b) you need to simply not go. If you choose not to go, you could have someone (another parent? Teacher? Coach? Friend? Relative?) tape it. That way you could make it part of a movie night with your son under a blanket watching popcorn once a week or something. Be creative.

.

I wouldn't consider the note you sent a plan B letter. It wasn�t even informing him of your intent to go NC, because you PROMISED him contact at sports days!! You are even allowing texts.

I would consider the note you sent him merely a way of seeking a visitation agreement prior to your proper Plan B. It's good actually beause it will make a true Plan B come as even more of a surprise.

If he doesn�t come back with an agreement (he probably won't prefering to continue hassling you on a day to day basis), you need to enforce your own visitation schedule.

An IM is an absolute must. She must also read the training thread.

Even if your IM is close by, I'd still put a cancellation deadline in place. He must give her 48 hours notice to cancel his turn with visitation. And no swapsies to other days. He turns up or misses out. Also have back up childcare in place for no-shows.

I've been an IM for many different people parallel parenting in different countries and nobody has died yet by being forced to get organised. If you are not ruthlessly organised, he will screw around with your routine merely to annoy you.

You mention the goodnight call, which is a common problem. One thing my IM ( a Canadian lady) used to do in her own Plan B is she gave her boys a special phone for sleepovers. WH could cal the boys at her house (she never answered) and she could call the boys at WH's house (but protected her number so it never showed on her sons' phone).

This, x 1000.

We want your son to have a safe, strong, happy mother who is not being hurt any more. That is our priority.

I wouldn't give him your IM's phone number either. She should stick to email only. I'd be glad to help her out if she ever gets stuck or needs advice, too. Just ask the mods for my email.

My first time as an IM, Melody Lane and Scotland helped me out. It's an easy job, but it's reassuring to have back up.

Great advice Neak I needed to hear that. Keep my eyes on the long time goal.

I'm so tempted to try and see him just one last time... how I do get past this? I miss him so much.

And thanks learnedtoolate for the links.

Indiegirl I think we are going to do alternate days with the sports so we don't see each other. Me do one week and he does the next. I like the idea of the special phone. I think we will agree that my son will answer the phone and I will not speak to H.

I know Dr Harley advised that I don't send a NC letter but he didn't say if i should send the Plan B letter. I guess this just comes as part and parcel of doing Plan B?

I just need to get the parenting plan settled and agreed on then will be ready for Plan B. I don't plan on seeing him when I'm getting it all organised.

Don't worry too much about 'agreeing' a plan with him.

If he wanted to have a flexible co-parent in you, he shouldn't be having a revenge affair. FC is one of the former needs you met he is going to miss very soon in plan B.

Its nice for you to offer now as part of your Plan A and could make things more seamless later. However you're going to have to realise that in Plan B he will not be cooperative and will turn up wherever/whenever he chooses to get you to break NC. You will need to be prepared for that.

You will likely either need to enforce his absence or choose not to go yourself.

Personally I think you are being far too nice letting him go at all.

But if you are dead set,try it. If he abuses the privelege to mess around and try to break your NC, you can ask staff not to admit him at all in future from then on.

Sometimes the schedule is given as an addendum to the Plan B letter.

The Plan B letter gives him a roadmap back to the marriage. Use the template. Also copy in OW to cause trouble in the A before you go.

It will drive her nuts to know he was too much of a cake eater to enforce NC. So much so he's harassed you to the point you've had to do it yourself.

The letter will make it clear that SHE interrupted a separated couple who were discussing reconciliation, she will be cast in her rightful role as mistress because of his cake eating.

And there's nothing he will be able to do to appease her. He won't be able to do NC, because you've already done it all.