Dr Harley addressed this.
Joyce asked: Does she need to send a Plan B letter?
Dr Harley answered: No, just have no contact with him

If you do end up sending the (optional) Plan B letter, do not refer to the OW by name. She is either the "mistress", or better yet, the "adultery partner". Of course CC the OW if you do this.

If you don't send a letter, be scrupulously dark. He'll get the point soon enough, and you can have your IM contact him with any necessary kid-related info.

Hi everyone, What does FC mean? Is it frequent contact?

If I don't end up sending Plan B letter how do I tell him I will be having an IM who will be relaying messages?

Do I just send him an email and tell him this?

I am thinking I DO want to do a Plan B letter.

This is what I am considering -

Organise mediation for childcare arrangements. Do not be in the same room as him. Put in the clause about 48 hours notice being given for change of plans. No swapping days if he can't make it.

When this is sorted, send Plan B letter. Tell him about IM and give her email address. Then close my email account so he can't email me. Do not give him my new email address.

Organise my son his own special phone to leave at his dad's that I can call him on when he is over there. It will have no credit on it just one where I can call him.

Go completely dark and do not show up anywhere that he is going to be.


Regarding CC ing the OW IN - I don't have her email address. Should I just send the letter to his house because I know she will be reading everything?

Indiegirl - I think i will get you to be my IM if you are still willing please? Thank you so much for offering. Once mediation is over i will let you know. Thank you

Family commitment. When you offer co-parent support you are meeting the need of FC. In Plan B you aren't supposed to meet any of his needs.



You could do. Does anyone have the link to the show where Dr H advised no Plan B letter? I would like to hear exactly what he said before I go on putting my opinion in here. I'm also wondering what conditions Dr H advised he meet and whether those conditions should be outlined as part of a letter/email or some other way.

If he said absolutely no letter, you could send a brief note introducing your IM, and saying no contact. She would then do the rest.



Happy to.

Just let the mods know you want my email.

Indie, to answer your question;
There is no link yet; her call was ln the radio this week.
Her husband already sent her a Plan B letter and Joyce kind of laughed when she asked Dr Harley if rocksolid needs to send one back.

The impression I get was that Dr Harley was concerned primarily about rocksolids health and encouraged Plan B. He said she didn't need to send a letter because he's already given her one.

The husband is familiar with MB and has read Harley s books.
Harley stated if the husband contacts her (or IM) to explain that he needs to permanently separate from the OW prior to rocksolid meeting with him

Have you read this? There is a link in there about Parallel Parenting. It will help you.
How to Plan B Correctly

Thank you for the link brainhurts. I think we finally have a plan in action. It involves me doing the sports on my days and him doing the sports on his day. Drop off and picks up from school / or me dropping him to my H house, son walking in on his own and not seeing each other. Sometimes picked up from here, son walking in on his own and us not seeing each other.

Information has been given what my son needs for school and is now up to husband to organise.

48 hours notice needed in advance for any changes and no swapping days.

Me calling son to say goodnight at a certain time each night and only my son will answer.

I have a Plan B letter that I am ready to send. I will include indiegirls email in it when I get it.

I have not sent the letter yet.

I feel the letter I need to do just to make it all very clear.

Just wondering how to do this. H will be picking son up this weekend as it is his weekend. I will not be seeing H, I will send my son out. I am thinking of putting the letter in an envelope and getting my son to hand H the envelope. Would this be acceptable for my 7 year old son to do? My son won't be reading it and will be in a sealed envelope.

I don't want to do by email. I think he will take me more seriously if I do it by letter. And better chance he will show the OW.

Hi JediKnight and Indiegirl

I'm glad you heard the segment Jedi. I don't have a link either but I listened to it a few times and took notes myself and this is what I wrote from it:



Dr Harley Radio Advice

He�s in the fog. Wait for the affair to die a natural death. Wait two years. Don�t wait longer than that.

If he marries her it will be an affairage. It will not be a good marriage. It will be unpleasant. It will be a more fragile marriage. Marriage rocksolid has with him will be stronger than any affair marriage will be.

Just hang on no more than two years
Plan B definitely. No contact with him.

If he tries to talk � I�m not going to talk to you till she�s out of the house. When she�s out of the house let me know. I am not going to talk to you still she�s out of the house. Keep saying this if he tries to talk. Don�t do anything. No contact and get on with your life.

A couple quick things:

Don't have your son hand-carry the letter. Take it out yourself. Might as well plant one last surprise kiss on him if you get the chance.

Don't leave the OW reading the letter to chance. Mail a certified copy to the house, paying extra to have only OW able to sign for it. She needs to see the letter, too.

Drop-offs and pickups sound like they will work fine on your end, but start getting a backup plan in place for WHEN he violates his agreement. Right now, WH is not so good at keeping promises, and that will include being respectful about swapping the kiddo, only having DS answer the phone, etc. Your original plan will probably not be workable long on his end.

Be ready to have someone else pick up DS if need be, and to get a phone for him to call you with WHEN your WH begins to "accidentally" answer the phone when you call at your set time.

And above all, never be rude to him when you come face to face with him unexpectedly. Smile, say hello, and excuse yourself. If he tried to engage you, you simply ask sweetly, "Are you ready to go NC with your adultery partner?" and when he stammers, say something like "When you're ready to do that, we'll have something to talk about." And walk away.

Repeat 2000x as needed.

I would be prepared for that too. Hang up if he ever answers or give your stock response.

I think he will give up trying to answer the phone if you are consistent with this.



This is good because he could call you whenever he wanted without WH. However I'd be a bit afraid of WH getting hold of the phone and taking RockSolid's number out.

He could then call and text her as much as he liked from any phone.

However I think there are apps you can use to keep your number private. It's used for people who are online dating etc.

Hi again

Do you think sending a copy of the letter to OW will just make her more determined to keep my H?

I feel she is dead on trying to WIN him and will stop at nothing to make sure I don't win.

I think they are doomed no matter what she thinks/intends right now. I haven't listened to the radio show but I am certain Dr H feels confident this A will die a natural death. I think he is so confident of that he doesn't think a Plan B letter is required (also since your H knows MB and knows the way back)

However (personal opinion alert)I know that my Plan B letter gave me a sense of security. Whenever I got the wobbles (that's the technical term btw)and wanted to peek out of my bunker and break Plan B, I would remember the letter. I would think: "He knows what he needs to do.I don't need to look, he needs to act".

I know the paragaphs I advised you to include regarding his persistent and painful contact will cause trouble between them. I also know it will drive her nuts if YOU are the one being strict about NC because he could not be. It's up to you if you want to throw that dart.



Very astute. I agree completely that she is more interested in competing with you than she is in having him. Once you are out of the picture, she loses. She is left with an unwinnable situation. She ends up being LEFT with him, as you reject his cheating instead of WINNING him.

He becomes the booby prize.

I think you are right on the mark indiegirl in saying she is more interested in competing with me.

He does know the way back if he wants to. I don't even know if I need that Plan B letter. I just need to be very strict with the NC.

I noticed indiegirl how much you help people on these boards. You are appreciated very much!

Yes, she will try even harder after receiving the letter. Her additional efforts will only place the A under greater strain. Because her investment is higher, she'll expect even greater returns. Pretty soon there's even more lovebusting going on, with both parties feeling they should be getting more out of the deal.

From there, it's usually only a matter of time.

So true you see it all the time

Thanks indie, tranquil and neak

You have given me a tiny ray of hope. It's all I have right now

No, Rock you have yourself!!!!

You are a lot more valuable than anything you might lose, here.

All you stand to lose is a gangrenous limb.

One you don't even need. You will come through this happy and whole.

It always tickles me how BS come here saying they 'have nothing' and 'want WS'.

Wonderful, strong, moral people mooning after a diseased heart and mind.

THEY are by far the only thing worth saving!

That is so inspirational and so true indiegirl.

Through my struggle I found that you need two things to make it in order to fight for your marriage. Hope and a plan. You have the best chance of you those things. Hope by itself perpetrates a weak mind into "I have nothing without WS" mind set. If you have a plan with it you feel empowered and optimistic no matter what the outcome is. A plan by itself is only good it's executed, fuel your Plan B with hope but follow it step by step. Modifications = disaster. Your stronger than you know.

I think I probably needed to hear that indiegirl. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself.

And Tranquil I needed to hear that too. I do feel empowered knowing that I have a plan it's just remaining optimistic that is the hard part.