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Are you back home now?


BW
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His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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SC,

Yes, I am.

And I thank you for your concern.

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I think you need to achieve consistency in working MB. You can't carry on sacrificing and accepting up whatever you don't like, which only sets up the expectation that you are owed, and then blowing up and even walking out, only to start over. Each fight takes a tremendous toll on both love banks that is harder each time to work back from. I know this from experience.

You so badly need a coach.


BW
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Kids have gone on to do well in college from average and even poor schools. You place too much importance on the school then the students effort.

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I've been an educator for 21 years, and a parent for 17.

I am aware how much and what importance an education has on a student.

I'd prefer you not to make judgements or assumptions about the level of importance I choose to place on my own children's education.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts nonetheless.

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I can't remember, but why can't you do the online program?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by SugarCane
You so badly need a coach.

Agreed.

Another thing that stuck out at me is the fact that your W won't stop talking about the affair. That is such a huge lovebuster and you two are never going to really move forward in R as long as your W keeps doing this. I really think she could benefit from the help of Dr Harley on the private forum as well as the accountability coach on this issue.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
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I have asked her to get back on here...maybe speak with fifteen years amd mr. W, who were FWW, I think.

She doesn't talk of the A per se...or the OM...it seems just always hammering herself for her choices, her shame and humiliation.

For me, enough is enough...maybe I processed it or got that out of my system earlier or more effectively, I don't know.

I'm known to say often to HFM Pep's mantra about "not wasting time hoping for a better tomorrow" and something Mel or Marital say about focus on the wide open front windshield and NOT the small, limiting rear view mirror...

but ultimately she has to decide not to go to the dark places and not feel things about herself that applied to a person she was 3 years ago that doesn'exist in our current marriage.

Last edited by helpfordad; 10/21/13 05:46 PM.
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Emailed my workplace question to Dr. Harley yesterday (mbradio...).

Once I get a response I will certainly share it here.

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Originally Posted by helpfordad
She doesn't talk of the A per se...or the OM...it seems just always hammering herself for her choices, her shame and humiliation.

I knew what you meant and this counts as bringing up mistakes of the past. And I think your W will need an accountability partner to help her stop doing this. It has become a bad habit at this point...and history has shown she is not able to stop this on her own.

BTW, today's radio show would be a good one for your W to listen to. This was discussed and Dr Harley specifically addressed to be thinking about whether you are making LB$ deposits with your IC.

He said exactly what you described above was a big lovebuster and was to be avoided.

Last edited by SusieQ; 10/22/13 02:43 PM.

Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
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Quote
Another thing that stuck out at me is the fact that your W won't stop talking about the affair.
Quote
She doesn't talk of the A per se...or the OM...it seems just always hammering herself for her choices, her shame and humiliation.
Umm...that's the same thing, Dad. She's just wording it differently.

If Mr. Bliss continued to talk about the affair - even obliquely - for YEARS AFTER THE FACT - I would have to seriously consider my relationship with him. I've told you this many times before; she needs to (forgive me for being direct) SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT THE AFFAIR!!! It's DONE! That includes her shame, her humiliation - all of that.

My concern for you is that she seems to feel the need to keep the emotions that she experienced - during and after the affair - alive. She doesn't seem to have traded those for the emotions that come with true recovery. Dr. H talks about "Secondary Gain" here:
Quote
Hanging on to an unpleasant thought because it helps us somehow is what psychologists call "secondary gain." It means that even though the thought is unpleasant, it gets you something you need, so your mind keeps it around for its usefulness. There are many unpleasant thoughts that have this characteristic, and I have helped many people let them go by helping them destroy the usefulness of the thought.


She needs to stop. I have told you that for, geez, how many posts? banghead I think it is critical that the two of you get on the online program. You need Dr. H to keep directing your marital ship. Right now it appears to be rudderless. frown


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Yes, it seems we need to do so.

Thank you!

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Originally Posted by helpfordad
Yes, it seems we need to do so.

Thank you!
Okay, Dad. This response isn't good enough. What this response tells us is that you agree that you need to consider online counseling. You've been talking about the idea of seriously considering the concept of the possibility of the theory that you might at some point in the future maybe not today but maybe later tomorrow, you might just consider to think about counseling with Dr. H. I'm looking for your post that tells us that you are actually counseling with Dr. H.

Actions, not words, sir. naughty


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Marital,

I got nothing.

HFM and I both agree we need the online program...want to do the online program...but we haven't made the time to do so.

Working, kids, grad school eats up most of our time...it's hard enough getting our 15 hours of UA time (I estimate we're getting maybe half of that a week). So carving out additional time is a challenge, a challenge we've allowed...

While I'm very proud of HFM for earning an advanced degree, I can't wait until the grad program is over...and I can't wait to move out of this place...


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And I need the email for Dr. Harley.

I sent en email to him regarding the HFM workplace question we had, but haven't heard back.

I'm hoping I used the correct email address.

Thanks.

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The Help Family Priorities:

Working
Kids (CAN NOT move a kid for the next three plus years)
Graduate School - more important to finish the degree than repair the marriage. Whatever happened to taking a semester/year off?

Farther down the list: UA time

Last on the list: Online counseling.

Apparent where this marriage is headed. Down, not up, with the accompanying grinding of teeth and wringing of hands. Sorry, I don't see hope for the future in this marriage.


AM



BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Originally Posted by helpfordad
And I need the email for Dr. Harley.

I sent en email to him regarding the HFM workplace question we had, but haven't heard back.

I'm hoping I used the correct email address.

Thanks.
Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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If you don't hear back from them within a week notify the MODS and let them know.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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BH,

That's the address to which I sent the email; I'll give it until Monday to hear back before notifying the mods.

Thank you.

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The Harley's have been notified.


JustUss

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