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Originally Posted By: geroldmodel

When I read the definition of "honesty & openess" on MB last year, I saw that "emotional honesty" was missing in my behaviour. So that was the first thing I changed!

Great catch!

Originally Posted By: geroldmodel

I seriously doubt I would be capable (or willing) to teach a 30+ date how to be honest and open now.
I am done fixing people.


You are dead right about not fixing people. But you can show someone who is already fundamentally open and honest how to negotiate respectfully. It can be learned in the very earliest days of a relationship by using it to decide how to spend your time together.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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My young volunteer friend texted me to meet for a drink after her Russian class.
I just came home from work, had no plans and was flattered she asked me on a date.
However I did not feel like going out without a dinner
With a couple of text messages we enthousiasticly agreed to have dinner at my place first & go for a drink afterwards.

She was a bit late but she seemed to be dressed up for the first time since I've known her.
It was the first time she visited my place and she felt comfortable in no time.

While I made dinner we discussed prehistoric history and evolutionary psychology; food and migration.
She was fishing for a compliment and I responded to that
She even encouraged me to continue and explained to me it was one of her top emotional needs.
:-)

We went out to one of her friends birthdayparty and it is clear guys her age are all over her.
She enjoyed the attention respectfully without neglecting her date or being clingy.
Gave me a compliment that I am not hitting on her like that and I take my time to get to know her,
she finds that very attractive. I felt really at ease considering I was at a party with people at least 10 yrs younger.

This girl is so smart and has a way with people it is hard to believe she is only 22.
I dropped her off at her place after a real enjoyable time.
This was the most spontanous date in 12 month and it felt completely normal & natural.

She has this youthfull energy and innocence combined with self confidence and a pair of brains,
it is hard not to notice her sparkle!

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Originally Posted By: geroldmodel
and a pair of brains


I want pictures!

AGG


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Originally Posted By: AGoodGuy
Originally Posted By: geroldmodel
and a pair of brains


I want pictures!

AGG


lol, I translated a European expression to English quite poorly.
Funny though!

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So a year has passed since the breakup and winter has started again in Europe.

I am still feeling awful when I come back from work to an empty home. I am anxious and feel quite lonely often.
It's hard to get up in the morning and get myself to make the 1,5h drive to work. My work gives me little or no satisfaction anymore.

The anger I had since the affair of my ex has faded away though. The sex and affection during the romance this summer got that out of my system somehow. Discovered that SF is my top emotional need and it makes all anxiety and depression symptoms go away for at least a couple of days.

My goal was to discover my own emotional needs with the MB books as a reference and I think I have learned a lot.
I've dated about 10 women this year and I see how dating several people regulary gives a better insight into compatibility and emotional needs.

Honesty & openess score really high as well as validation and care. Funny enough all dates I've asked valued my H&O and validation as my top qualities too.

It took me a LOT of time & effort to get 10 dates though.
Most of my social interactions this year were with women.
Offline dating in Europe is much more difficult and less casual as from what I read on the forums here.
There are no coffee dates here!
Who-knows-who is somehow important in these parts.

Anyway, it's time for me to figure out
what I want to do with the rest of my life and start implementing the changes toward that.

My contract ended today and I booked a
flight to Southeast Asia leaving next week returning in 2014.
Hope to get the last bit of healing done.

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What countries are you visiting?
I'm glad you're enjoying SF but be careful

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I am going to Thailand, Birma/Myanmar & maybe Laos too...

I very much doubt I will be having any SF as I am leaving soon, but thanks for the warning Jedi. I know condoms are not 100% safe, but it is the best protection around when it does happen.

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I arrived in Thailand, same village as last year, living at a female friend's compound who lives & works here;
She spends only 2 nights a week on-shore so she asked me to arrange transport and accomodation for 2 other female friends of her that are on holiday here: both single, childless, exactly my age and from my hometown.

All set & done, I met the ladies on the beach and after a beer, they told me they wanted to meet our mutual friend in the evening and spend their last week relaxing with some, sun, beach and a party.
They were planning to go to another tourist trap within a day or two

As I know this village, speak a bit of Thai; I saw an opportunity here :-)
Instead of making DJs about the destinations they had planned, I was going to BLOW their mind within an afternoon!
Having them to stay and show them the best time of their holiday here

I took them a bit further up the beach to get a full Thai body massage with me for an hour.
We got discount prices as I am a regular and was bringing them much needed work.

Took them to a beachbar where I know the personel and the regulars
I knew the Thai owner and some of the expats were going to flirt with these women straight away! :-)
We watched a gourgeous sunset together and even got a ride on a motorcycle to our mutual friends place from the barowner.

I made a BBQ as the women catched up with our mutual friend.
Our landlord joined us and proposed them a 3 day kayaking trip deep within the jungle, off the beaten track:
Both girls asked me to join them! :-)

As the kayaks were two-seaters, I got to go on "dates" with both of them

Good times!

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Great!

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I've been in Thailand for 2 months now... and I am going to stay here until (at least) the rainy season in may.

The small community here has an incredible hospitality & they are teaching me Thai language & culture. I have been taking some of the freelance work they are offering me and enjoyed it a lot.

I had no idea I was so unhappy at home and I have no reason to go back anyway.

Returning in a couple to arrange some stuff back home...

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So, I got back home from Thailand and realised I am suffering from a depression/identity crisis.
I have no energy, hate the idea of going back to work & pretty much procrastinate on EVERYTHING.
My line of work ruined ALL of my relationships, because I am a perfectionist and it absorbes me completely.
I have to find some new Cheese in life & thus far Thailand seems like the best option to be happy and do some introspection.

My ex seems to have spoiled the well with my best friends of 15 years since the cheating 1,5yrs ago.
They all believe she did not cheat on me...
They think I should reconcile with her as she is part of the social circle now
and my plan to not go to events with my friends where my ex is, isolated my from my peers.
EXPOSURE & PLAN B was an ABSOLUTE FAILURE for my social life & brought me nothing but more depression!!!!!!

So I went to parties with them the last 2 months, with my ex present.
She resented the fact that I showed up and I got pats on the back from my friends to show up.
Her relationship with her POS is going down the drain from what I hear (hehe) & her own friends are all moving away.
She seems to recuperate all of my friends to compensate.

Some of the dates of last summer blew up in my face:

- My young "volunteer friend" of 22yrs old invited herself to my bed. Had sex with me & went pretty much radio silent after that.
I apologised, said it was a mistake; but she said she initiated it & has to concentrate on her studies.

- IT manager of 30yrs, invited herself to my bed after paying me a late night visit, jumped me & went NC after that.

- One of the Kayak girls of 36yrs old from my hometown which I met in Thailand, kissed me, invited myself to my bed
(her friend scored a Thai boy that night and needed their hotel room)
Although I said I wanted to get to know her better instead of having sex, she said she was not willing to wait for me to return home.
We had sex, had a very romantic date on a beautiful deserted beach, had sex again...
and after that she said she was very depressed in general and did not want to hurt my feelings.
Said I was the first guy, she liked in the last 5yrs. She was glad everything still worked down below & thanked me for the favour.
Both girls paid me a visit back home this month and want to take me out, so I can meet more people my age.
At least I made some new friends! :-)

Since I returned from Thailand I started internet dating:

- One girl, 38yrs old interrogated me - although I was completely honest and open. It made me feel like being in a police interrogation instead of a date.
She did not reveal a single thing about her life, was very closed and was angry I did not contact her again.

- Had a fantastic first date with a 36yr old girl, we went on a second semi-date: "I'll be at this party this weekend, perhaps we meet there"
Once there she seemed to be on another date with a guy who was pretty disrespectful to her. Once we got talking, she seemed very absent & anxious.
She asked me to call her, but I never did. Her anxiety was a huge turnoff for me although I did not have a problem of her being on another date.
(I had brought a informed dancing partner myself in case she wouldn't show up.)

Pretty much stopped internet dating for now.

Since Thailand, I have become more open & honest than ever - which is the norm in Thailand -
and seem to have gained the ability to dissolve women's initial defenses within a 15 minute span.
I got a lot of hugs from strangers as I seem to improved on my intimate conversation, but as for getting a date out of that... no luck.

Will be returning to Thailand in a couple of weeks... for a couple of months.
The climate and the openess of the community seems to dissolve my depression over there.
Will be exploring some business opportunities, improve my Thai & do some more introspection.

Being cheated upon, is the worse experience in my life.
Discovering Thai & Boudhist culture has opened my eyes how f*cked up Western culture actually is.
I am sure the sun & culture over there, will wash the depression away.

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Originally Posted By: geroldmodel



EXPOSURE & PLAN B was an ABSOLUTE FAILURE for my social life & brought me nothing but more depression!!!!!!


Sir, Dr. Harley designed Plan B to aid in marital recovery. It didnt apply to you; your girlfriend is a renter.
You can Plan A to build romantic love with a woman, but Plan B is designed to protect a betrayed spouse during an affair.
Cheating is accepted by the public in renter type relationships, as evidenced by your so called friends who isolated from you and did not have consideration of your feelings of being around her.

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My cousin liked Thailand, he actually moved there and went into business.

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Gerald, I have been following a website you may like.
It is called "Art of Manliness" and has helped me during low parts of my life;
The Bible and Atlas Shrugged have also literally lifted me out of near depression.

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Plan B was not in "invented" by Dr. Harley, Jedi
ALL psychologists would recommend the same in love-triangles: marriage or not. Cheaters will be cheaters; and if your reputation in a "social circle" crumbles by the testimony of a c*ck-whopping wh*re, you have a much more fundamental problem: I do, I realise now. My friends could not handle the exposure, which is in fact the destruction of someone's reputation. I was quite succesful in achieving that.
My friends thought that was very mean of me & are punishing me for it. I have seen the same thing happen with a married friend with children, whose husband cheated on her for 5 years. She exposed and lost 80% of her social circle.

As for my picker:

The pattern in ALL my relationships & recent dates: is the lack of a good male role-model in the life of my partners/dates:

- My first girlfriend suffered from Borderline personality disorder: her father died when she was 3 & her mother had a terrible relationship with her own father. Somehow she passed her hatred for men to her daughter. Quite succesfully. She emotionally abused me, until I started to read up on psychology. She threatened with suicide when I was ready to leave.

- My ex's grandfather was an ex-cop and hated women in general. I hold his hand when he blew out his last breath on his deadbed as his own children couldn't handle it & left him to die waiting outside while the doctors turned off the life-support machines.
My ex's father was very dissappointed in his daughter in general which undermined her self-esteem in her childhood.
It took my 3 years to pump up her self-worth and when she finally grew a spine, she projected all her hatred of her father on me... by stabbing me in the back & starting cheating with an absolute loser she could control.
Her father last words of support to me were: "She never finished anything in her life, I am so sorry".

- The model I dated last year: father with anti-social personality disorder, he spend his life in jail. Mother learned her she should never marry. The model has a histrionical personality disorder: she has a compulsion to seek attention, especially from males. I was quick enough to see it before she could wrap me around her finger.

- Volunteer partner girl, same thing: jailbird father. Although she did not have a psychological backlash from that (as far as I could see) she was quite passive aggressive towards men.

- Phd-girl I met in Thailand last year: manic-depressive father who committed suicide. She coped by controlling the men in her life. Tried the bottle of wine thing with me, I knew enough.

- Psychology girl hates her father. Her reaction to this is to NEVER be a buyer. She selects her partners to learn things she is interested in. Once she had learned the things she needed to know, she disposed of her partners quite harshly: told it was over & went plan B. She fell in love with me, or so she said. She was pretty spiteful I rejected her, because marriage was out of the question for her (ever)... 3 months later she is engaged to an alcoholic and a diagnosed BPD.

- IT manager: Alcoholic father, very controlling.

- Last but not least: my project friend: psychopatic father. Beat his wife infront of his toddlers. Used rohypnol to drug his wife and his wife's sister and raped them both while passed out. Needless to say my best female friend suffers from severe control issues. It's a small wonder she survived her childhood without developing a personality disorder.
Her latest love interest is a young guy who's girlfriend hanged herself after their last fight... fingers crossed!

My guess is I am a male role model. I am the eldest of 2 brothers and in every job I had I was made teamlead or manager within a couple of months. Pioneered a subculture and consulted multinationals on IT the last 10 years. Made them sh*tloads of money. I do not have a problem with being a leader, teacher or being a provider...
BUT IT DID NOT BRING ME ANY HAPINESS IN MY LIFE.
I attract fatherless women like flies on honey.

If I meet normal women, they bore me... we are not intellectually compatible: fatherless women seem to compensate that for me in the past I guess.



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Ayn Rand??? Try to work 10 years in multinationals: all executives love ATLAS SHRUGGED and believe me: 90% of them are narcistic or psychopatic A-holes.
Did you see the MAD MEN shows??? EXACTLY! :-)

The Bible: I was actually a Catholic churchboy, helping during ceremony when I was 6. Did it for 2 years and absolutly loved it, my parents though I was crazy but supported me nevertheless. Not that the stories of Jezus in school had a big impression on me, his teachings felt quite natural and normal to me... but the mythical atmosphere of a 300 year old church building had an overwhelming attraction on me.

The priest was one of the role models who made a lasting impression on me. He was a warm, gentle character who loved children. He was very supportive of us being children. One time he gave us what was left of the wine after the ceremony!

He thought me Catholic religion and the church as an institution are a SCAM, although the teaching of Jezus are well worth learning. He retired as a priest of a nunary... ;-)
His succesor was a strict, controlling authority figure who did not like children at all... I quit at age 8 and endured 10 more years of Catholic education in school by various dysfuntional people.

5 years ago I started reading the original bible. Starting with the Old Testament. I learned of a spiteful god who ordered the murder & burning of entire villages...
I don't think I burned my bible, but had it recycled with the rest of my paper garbage I think.

No offence Jedi. I respect your believes and I am glad it helped you out of depression.

I'll try my luck with Boudhism... not as a religion, but as a filosophy. I've seen the results of Boudhism throughout South-East Asia and the sense of community & togetherness is WAY better than in Western society from my view.

The idea of getting rid of suffering seems like a very good alternative to suffer for the sake of others. Been there, done that!

Last edited by geroldmodel; 03/08/14 12:54 AM.
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Have you watched the Kung Fu television series?
It played in the 60's, starring David Carradine.

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No, that was before my time and they didn't to reruns in Europe.
I did however see "The master" show with Lee Van Cleef
:-)

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You may want to watch old Kung Fu episodes online.
But start with the first one, because they are in order.
It had Buddhism in it.
I've watched the entire series.

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What a week!

One of my best friends relationship -they both LOVE to hang out with my ex now- is on the verge of explosion because of serial infidelity, I heared today. This is going to hit my "social circle" REALY HARD as there is a 1,5year old involved and the fallout will be ENORMOUS. I will cease to be the only single bitter A-hole who holds a grudge against infidelity and WayWards.

4 years ago, I warned this friend for her soon to be ex partner when they were still dating. She wouldn't listen ofcourse and I respected her choice nevertheless. We've hardly seen each other the last couple of years ofcourse;
but I will be there for her when she needs me... and she will.
My WW ex will not be a credible source of comfort I guess.

As an update for my past dating year:

Volunteer girl and Psychology girl BOTH announced their ENGAGEMENT this week... only a couple of months since I dated both of them! Marriage hardly EVER happens in this part of Europe... so I was quite shocked!

Psychology girl EXPRESSED to me she would NEVER BE MARRIED when we were dating 4 months ago. Volunteer girl wanted to study instead of getting in a relationship...
HAVE THEY BOTH LOST THEIR MINDS?

It get's even worse.

As by a strike of lightning I met the ex of the soon to be husband of Psychology Girl. Never met her before, but we had the most incredible intimate conversation 2 perfect strangers could ever have. What are the odds.

Apparently the soon to be husband had a crush on Psychology girl while he was still in the 10 year relationship with her!!! She disconnected emotionally from him because he refused to be a buyer on top of having a crush on someone else... The girl fled in the arms of a lesbian woman... She felt she could not emotionally connect with men for a while, although she knows she is hetero sexual without a single doubt. She is dating guys again ofcourse.

HOWEVER:
Soon to be husband of Psychology girl, told Psychology girl his relationship failed because his girlfriend was emotionally unavailable and BETRAYED him because she was extually a lesbian.

Sorry I am laughing my [censored] off at the moment, since it's pretty unique to get both parts of a story and put the puzzle pieces and lies together. I was right not to go exclusive with Psychology Girl... she was having an emotional affair with someone IN a relationship.

Now I know why psychology girl keeps reffering to her soon to be husband as her SOULMATE too!

They will soon be married and maybe after a couple of years they will be eligble to work out their future problems in the "Married section" of this forum.

Coz' cheating and emotional affairs in an uncommitted relationship are OK, isn't it ;-)

Last edited by geroldmodel; 03/11/14 11:43 PM.
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