Exactly the opposite actually. My ongoing issue with my wife is that there is a massive inequity in our relationship, and I'm having a hard time letting it go. Please read earlier parts of this thread where I explain my average day.

To her it is a time where I accused her of cheating on me, even though she wasn't. She also didn't like the format of asking for things respectfully, or having to meet my needs. She didn't outright reject them, but over time after it was proven "not to work" she made up her mind that it was a bad program and that the forums were particularly toxic.

Specifically she had an issue that she missed two problems at all. She wanted her to have a perfect score and so she asked me to make sure that nothing was wrong prior to turning it in which is not what we agreed to, that is me, my wife, and the teacher.

Truth is, whether it is a show or not, my wife acts indifferent about separation or divorce whereas I am fearful of it and she knows this.

It seems that you all agreed that you (parents) would not do her homework for her.

I don't see that what your wife asked you to do - to check it before it was turned in - was going back on your agreement not to do her homework for her. Checking it is NOT doing it for her.

Your wife did not ask you to do your daughter's homework for her, as far as I can tell.

The way I read it, the issue was not that either parent was doing the child's homework...there was an agreement to not change DD'sanswers if they were wrong. Seems like there is confusion of what is being considered as "checked." Parents will check that the homework is done but if the answers are wrong, they agreed to leave it and let DD get graded based on her answers the first time around.

My two cents

My point is that my wife wanted to have me ensure that all homework was being turned in at 100% and that is not what we agreed upon. You are exactly correct BR.

If your wife is no longer enthusiastic about the agreement you made, you need a new plan and a new agreement.

Right, I'm ok with that and agree, but SugarCane kept grilling me so I kept answering. I'm over that, let's move on. This hit home:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5055_qa.html

This line in particular, "Who are the ones most likely to make that unrealistic offer? Men. In most cases, they do the asking, and they don't offer an interdependent deal. They offer unconditional love -- a BIG mistake! And predictably, they get blamed the most for being controlling."

I don't control the money, I just make the money, but I think my wife feels trapped without a way to make her own way. I grew up believing in unconditional love and providing unconditional love for my wife comes naturally for me. She may not see it that way at all. She might feel entirely dependent on me for everything, and the more I give, the more dependent she must feel. I certainly don't link love-making to allowance, she has no allowance, she spends what she needs and we are lucky to be in that position. But even if it was unintentional I think we have a problem in this that she may not even understand, and frankly neither did I until reading this article.

Hi HLB, I'm back.

I read your whole thread, and there were a couple of times that I thought to myself "oh my gosh, maybe this IS my husband!" If it weren't for a few key points, I'd really be wondering too. As long as you aren't lying about the teacher thing and your kids genders...

You really sound a lot like my husband. Our stories have a lot in common: we have 3 kids also, age 2, 6, and 9. And our youngest has been insanely difficult also.

And I've reacted like your wife in the past. Mostly because I'm pretty disgusted with who he is as a person, and it comes through. And you seem to act a lot like my husband!

I think maybe we can help each other. Because I would be willing to bet, by the familiar way your wife is acting, that I could help you understand why she reacts how she does.

I don't know, your story just seems SO similar to mine...my husband meets very few of my needs (aside from FS and FC) and he just continues to do more around the house while ignoring ME. And I react badly and am not in love with him.

So first thing, your wife is just not in love with you. I bet you've not filled her Love bank and put her over the threshold in a long time...and I bet that is why she blames you for everything. She sounds depressed (I have certainly been depressed...sometimes more than others...at the state of my marriage and absolute torment my H puts me through). I know for sure my H doesn't realize what he does that takes ALL the wind out of my sails. And I bet you don't realize either.

Anyway...I think maybe we should try to help each other. I can maybe help you understand how your wife feels, since I feel like the story is similar. Even down to my husband's sisters, who don't talk, and almost cannot carry on a normal conversation, and my bad relationship with my mother. And maybe you can help me understand my husband's pov.

Also, just wanted to touch on the issue of you making the money...I would bet you that it's an issue for her. Let me ask you a question: have you EVER during an AO, or otherwise, held the money over her head. As in, if you leave, you will have no money and no job? Have you ever told her "go ahead and try to find another job that will keep you in this standard of living' or anything of that nature? Do you rag on her about how she keeps house and her weight and how much she does around the house? Do you "reward" her with your pleasant demeanor when she visibly works hard around the house/for you? Do you punish her with criticisms when she's had a hard day with the kids? I know for myself, I'm in the same exact boat as your wife, staying home while he makes all the money. And my H has done nothing but drag me down since the day our first baby came. House not clean enough, dinner not ready on time, laundry being done at night, you name it, he's been disrespectful about it. He's called me "lazy" when I had a colicky infant and napped during the day, he's told me that "nobody else's house" looks like ours (not true...we live in a lovely home...but toys are around because we have children who live here), and he's also joked that I'm a hoarder, which trust me is not even close to the truth. I'm kind of a neatnick...especially compared to other suburban moms. His reality is that his mother was controlled by his father, and literally NOTHING was ever out of place when he was growing up. But it wasn't a happy home whatsoever. It was just a model home. Anyway, I can tell you that all of the negatives I got about the "job" I'm doing, has made me less inclined to do anything. In fact I've had periods where I just don't freaking do ANYthing. And yes, I sleep in and let him deal with getting the kids ready for school/all of it.

I've never told him how to do his job but he insists that I'm not doing mine well enough. He tries to control me in that way, and I hate it.

So that part about your wife rang true to me. It doesn't make that much sense that a wife would just be a lazy bum who doens't want to do much of all. More than likely, I wonder if she is just totally unmotivated to do anything to please you, because you have criticized and nitpicked her. Obviously I could be totally off base here, so correct me if I'm wrong. If not, then maybe your wife's perspective is something like mine.

By the way I just want to say that since finding MB, I've stopped acting like your wife. But, for many, many years, that was how I acted. I was not fun to be around, I was surly, I was very upset at my husband, and was not very nice to him most of the time. I blamed him for things I shouldn't have blamed him for, but most of it was because I just didn't feel the love. Nothing he did, no amount of helping with cooking or laundry or whatever made me fall in love with him, because that wasn't what I needed. He wanted "appreciation" but since he wasn't meeting my ENs (and instead was basically doing my job, while criticizing my performance as a wife/mom, he was actually love busting me when he did all that. Does that make sense?) So you picking up more slack around the house probably isn't going to make a lick of a difference to your wife. It wouldn't to me. I don't need my husband to take more home duties off my plate, I need him to meet my ENs.

It wasn't until I got here that I finally realized that though.

Thanks for your lengthy note and yes it resonates a lot. I don't think my wife is lazy at all, in fact she is the opposite and I don't have many requirements in terms of how clean the house is or anything like that. I'm pretty laid back about it. My wife works very hard, but isn't very organized about things and often times doesn't remember where she places things, forgets things, and I admit I have expressed my disapproval on numerous occasions. When this happens and she gets stressed out I come to the rescue most often, and in some instances just begin taking over one more thing. So now we are in a place where I continue to take over things and I really have to be honest with myself as to whether it was to help her, or because of me being intolerant of the way it was done. Probably some of both, but it hasn't gotten me anywhere.

I own my own company and am probably the most efficient person I know so we are not a good "fit" in that regard. Is it possible though, that my wife feels a significant amount of depression, even when I don't do or say anything? Is she so dependent on me that she has in essence lost her identity? Is this why she is so argumentative about things even when there is nothing to argue about? Is this why she pushes me away from working out together at the gym because she still has the ability to identify as someone who likes to workout? Same things with running. She never wanted me to take up the sport of running, and now I know why. She needs/wants her own identity and the more I give, give, give, the less I receive from the relationship.

So what does she want? When we first got the MB workbooks we filled out our worksheets, but I don't think it was a true assessment of what we needed from each other. What I can identify are the following things that continue to surface and then we can organize them into the EN's outlined in MB.

1. She needs me to listen. I mean she has a very low tolerance for not listening and/or forgetting something. If I'm not careful in reading a text about what to pick up and get the wrong thing or forget what she asked for it is a big, big deal to her. Her mother never listens to her by the way so I get it. I've tried to adjust in the past by making more notes, but on occasion I mess up and she certainly lets me know about it.
2. She needs admiration. I worship this woman in terms of praising how she looks, how cute a top that she wears, etc. I go out of my way never to criticize her ever about anything, and frankly don't even have the urge to. I praise her for being a good Mom, but then I probably wreck by criticizing how she disciplines the kids. We have an ongoing debate on the difference between false promises of discipline and follow through verses meaning what you say and saying what you mean. I'm the latter and my wife is the former and the kids respond and react differently to each of us. Nevertheless she needs this from me, even though she has a negative comment to say each time I do compliment her. I could stand to be more genuine when I do praise her, and maybe I have not been.
3. She wants me to be thoughtful. Huge improvement over the first 5 years of marriage where I was the opposite of thoughtful. The little things go along way with her. At times I've been incredibly thoughtful but she always nitpicks something and I get frustrated and tend to give up on this. Nothing is ever good enough and it is almost a knee jerk mandatory DJ each time I even attempt it. It has gotten better though. I can pick out clothes for her and about 80% of them "work" which is pretty good for a guy.
4. She needs "stuff". This is a tough one and I say this not to be a martyr, it is just how I'm wired. I have very little need for material things. I'm like my mom. I'd rather spend $100 on dinner with my wife than anything $100 could buy for the house or on clothes. My wife places a great deal of importance on things whereas I value experiences and I have not done a good job of hiding my disapproval of the practice. I don't hold money over her head but I certainly remind my wife on occasion that we are buying more than we can afford and this makes her feel bad. In fact I don't know anyway to say it without making her feel bad.

I don't think we are the same Lonely. Similar but not the same. I am not like your husband in many aspects. Do I have problems with DJs and Demands, yes I do. Do I meet all of my wife's needs, likely not. All in all I'm a wonderful Father, and from the outside, the guy that gets the "you are so lucky to have him as your husband" guy. This is to everybody but my wife, yet the others don't matter, only she does and I want more than anything to have a romantic relationship with this woman, but I feel like she won't let me in. She keeps the walls up. When I hug her she drops her arms to the side or pushes me away.

What I won't do is allow her to have this power over me that about being afraid of divorce. She uses it against me and acts like she really doesn't care, but I know it is an act. Truth is she is terrified of divorce because she is so dependent on me. I won't live in fear of divorce any longer. Change must happen because I won't live this way for the next 30 years. She knows this now and immediately changed her attitude about therapy.

I have to turn internally to fix my side of the fence, this I know and I need some help to do that because I've become so defensive and bitter that I can't remain objective about what the task at hand is. On a side note, my wife still thinks I don't trust her. At the wedding the other night I didn't see her so I went around the corner and said, "Oh there you are." It wasn't about trust, I just wanted to hang out with my wife because we were having such a good time. She sent me a text last night that she has forgiven me, but not forgotten, about me accusing her of cheating 2 years ago, and thinks that me finding her at the wedding meant that I still don't trust her. She doesn't get over things very easily, that I know for sure, and I don't think she is over the first 5 years of our marriage yet.

Not sure where to go from here. I'm speaking with Steve in 5 hours so that is a good start.

Lot of truth here. I just can't help but think that my wife feels bad half the time because of the simple fact that I do so much. She knows about the inequities very well, we've discussed it many times. But she keeps asking and I keep giving and it doesn't seem to matter because she continues to say "I'm overwhelmed" multiple times per day. It is hard for me to see her perspective on this front. She asked to help with my company and the billing, in fact she has asked me numerous times and although I haven't said no, the truth is I don't want her to help. She took over the bills at one point in our marriage and it was a train wreck. So what does one do when a spouse is depressed, yet things still need to get done, and that she feels bad just for the simple fact that I make sure they get done. It is like she appreciates me but finds me disgusting all at the same time.

She asks me for things all day long, every day without any hesitation, I ask her for very little. This constant barrage has worn me down and I've grown tired of carrying the load. The last time she went to get a job it didn't go so well. She didn't get a lot of traction and ended up getting a low paying job that wasn't even worth it. This made her feel even worse about herself because I'm sure it felt like she wasn't wanted. So what does one do? Keep in mind even without me saying or doing anything I'm lovebusting her, just for being me. That is what it feels like on this end.

This was how my ex felt about MB too. I tried to implement it well, but I didn't fully eliminate the DJs in my head, the disgust I felt about him and the choices he was making. I put a lot of effort into UA, his top ENs RC, FC, and eliminating IB, and our marriage improved a lot but it was not enough and I filed for divorce. And it wasn't until he was out of the house for a year or so that I got rid of those DJs enough to approach him about reconciliation. He wasn't open to reconciling then. It's been 3 years since the divorce and only this last year or so can I really say the DJs are totally gone.

I hope two you can eliminate the disrespect on both sides and save your marriage. I hope living with your parents for now will help reduce the LB withdrawals. Have you talked to an attorney, though, we traditionally encourage men to stay in their homes so they don't lose their rights as a parent to the kids. And if your wife is dealing with anger issues that's a rough thing for your kids to be around without you to help stabilize things.

I once asked my wife if she resented me because most things come very easily to me, to which she never answered the question. Do some people resent others for doing well at things? I know this exists financially or physically, but can the person I married look at me in this way? Something that is new, that I never ever held over her head or her parents is that we started to help them financially. This was a joint decision by the way. There are no strings attached and never were, I just wanted them to be able to enjoy their retirement without stressing about money and I'm starting to think this might have pushed these feelings for my wife over the top. Her parents go out of their way to see if we need anything or if they can watch the kids much more so now than they did prior to assisting them. There is a pattern. Is it possible that my wife sees that my ability to provide for her means that she is some way obligated to meet my needs? I certainly never stated that, never held it over her head, but it may not matter, she still might see it as a certain level of servitude. Never thought of it before that way because for me it was an unconditional gift for family in their time of need. I'd like to know all of your thoughts on the subject.

We are more civil than that and no I haven't spoken to an attorney. This is not a long term thing, just a break for both of us to gain perspective. Most of all it is for my wife to take me seriously which she now does.

HL,

Do you and your wife do anything fun together? It seems like your schedules are work, kids, and chores. When was the last time you two went on a date? What is her idea of fun?

You mention that she appreciates the little things and is also into "stuff"...do you ever give her small, thoughtful gifts?...just because and not for any special occassion.

We go out about one day a week for a couple hours and have a good time. I do give her little things on occasion, but it never works out, she always makes it about me wanting something for it. In other words, she just doesn't see it as a genuine attempt to meet her needs. My wife is different than most. She does not require affection whatsoever, always been that way. Fun for my wife is dinner and shopping. When we go, as you can imagine, I don't look for things for me very often, and the fun is finding cute things for her to wear. I enjoy it, she enjoys it. I just don't have a need for "stuff" so I find it easier to focus on her. If we did this every night of our lives we'd probably be madly in love but also in debt. lol

How would the women in this forum react to a husband that got babysitters 3 days a week, made arrangements, made sure kids did homework the day before to reduce her stress, packed lunches the night before, laid out clothes for kids to change the night before, and took her to dinner and shopping or movies without asking her. She pushes back on UA time, but I think that is the stress talking and if I removed the things that cause the stress, maybe she'd feel more comfortable getting out with me?

Markos did many of those things for me.
Fact is, as long as your abusive lovebusters continue, none of this will have any impact on her lovebank.