Here it is.
Radio Clip of rocksolid's question

Thanks so much for posting the link brainhurts.

You're very welcome.

What do you think about Dr. Harley's advice?

Yes I think it's very good and makes sense. A lot of what he said was what people have said to me here too. It's hard but I've realised it's my only option if I want to save my marriage.

I didn't want to Plan B at first but I've realised it's my best bet.

How can we help and support you by getting into Plan B?

Have you read how to do it properly? The link is in my sig.

I've gone into Plan B. No more contact. I was feeling very empowered and strong about it all.

Now I just feel down. I spoke to my son on the phone tonight and he mentioned that he was out at dinner with my husband and OW. What's the point? I feel so sad. Maybe I just need to face reality that he is never going to end his affair

That's a pretty big Plan B gap. Plan B gaps suck. They drag you right back into affairland. I bet you are feeling like you were THERE right at dinner with them, am I right?

Plug this gap by telling your son not to give you any reports about WH. WH is no longer your business at all and his name is taboo.

Don't fear doing this. My family who still had links with WH were freed immeasurably by my severing the 'gossip' tie. They didn't have to worry about how their actions re WH bothered me.they didn't have to worry about keeping me informed if WH did something. They were free to stop worrying about me as I moved on into a WH free life.

Dr H once spoke to a woman who was in my exact same position. No kids, no real ties to bring her WH back if/when the A ended.

He told her that as there weren't any real ties and she was q young she should move on into an entirely new life with an entirely new man.

However he said he was sure that this man WOULD come back if she let him. That surprised me. I knew that all A's end eventually, but I didn't think all WH's came back.

He said she should protect herself against the HIGH likelihood that he would come back in a few years time when his A was dust. She should make it so he can't reach her.

I took this advice to heart and there is no way for my WH to reach me now I am divorced. My Intermediary was instruced not to pass on any post divorce messages. I can't be bothered with that.

There's no reason for you to feel like the A won't end. But right now the priority is YOU.

You are far more precious than any silly wayward and we need to take care of you.

You need to make a happy, no-gaps Plan B for yourself. Just focus on the next six months for now.

Things are unlikely to change within six months so what can you do that is happy and productive for YOU in that time?

When Dr H was answering that woman's question he said: "If I was her father, I'd say: "What's good for YOU right now?"

That's always stuck with me as being the entire point of Plan B.

Wow that's such a good story Indie and advice. Yes I did feel like I was right there at dinner, like I was an intruder.

So I guess in you saying that there is no way for your WH to come back, that means you don't want him to come back? I haven't read your full story.

I do want my WH to come back. I guess he knows where I live right?

The things I want to do in the next six months to focus on myself will be:

Doing a writing course
Spending time with my son
Saving and planning for an overseas holiday with my son
Getting my craft business off the ground
Reading all the books I want to read and watching all the movies I want to watch
Listening to music that is uplifting and not music that makes me sad
Reading as much as I can on MB and learning as much as I can
Being the best mum I can be and giving my son memorable fun happy times.


Six months seems like such a long time right now. It's hard to even see forward till next week.

But I will keep going. I have to.

I've just gone back and re read all the pages from my thread and feel a bit better and stronger again. I think I just need to keep reading and sticking to Plan B so I don't fall by the wayside.

I'm so appreciative of all your posts :-)

I think deep down I do know his A will end but it's the time thing that is killing me wondering when.

I will try and focus on myself for the next six months like you said and just take each day one day at a time.

I love your 6mo plan! Sounds amazing.

But make sure NO GAPS.


After 2 years of no contact, I don't love him. Don't hate him either, he's just the past.


I don't have any children with him and he does not have any recommendations of good character, now. I would be crazy to consider doing something as tough as a 2-5 year recovery in which the A would get discussed all over again.

I WOULD consider him, even without any feelings of love, if we had children. I trust in Dr H's plan for recovery.

In my position it was easier to go love elsewhere and I am in love now. It's better than it ever has been for me right now.



Yes poor love. You are so close to the epicentre still you still feel the shockwaves. I used to cry a little every day. It was good for me. Then I'd go have fun.

Have you read SAA, the part where Dr H tells John to Plan B Sue?

He said at the 2year point he would no longer love his wife and divorce would be much easier and hurt less, if that is what he chose.

He also said that he would not HATE his wife either, as he would if he'd had a front row seat during the entire A. This makes it possible for the love to be resurrected if his wife came home for recovery.

I've never yet known Dr H to be wrong and he surely isn't wrong about what happens to the lovebank in Plan B, either. You end up neither loving nor hating the wayward.

For me, around the six to eight month mark, I simply stopped caring because nothing recent was happening tying me to those feelings. The feelings became dim memories.

When did you go into Plan B? Do you have an IM? Have you changed the ways in which WH can get in touch with you (cell phone/email)?

Susie only this past week. I do have an IM if need be. But all our parenting agreements are in place so we know what the deal is about picking up dropping off etc.

I still have my same cell number so my son can call me or H can reach me in an emergency. I just plan to ignore any texts or calls from him if he happens to do this.

Indie thank you for sharing your story with me. I am so pleased that you have found love again and happier than you ever have been

I have read SAA John and Sue's story. I feel like it's very much about my own situation.

You say Indie that around the 6 to 8 month mark your memories became dim memories? That is what I am worried about with my WH. We have so many wonderful memories that I am scared that HE will forget about them. What even makes a WH come back if it's been that long??

What makes them come out of the fog if it's been so long like two years?

Going to read John and Sue's story again.

Rocksolid,

Dr Harley generally recommends that spouses move on after two years.

There are people that waited many years. One lady had a husband remarry his affair partner and then later leave her and return to his first wife.

Nobody knows how this will turn out.

But you need to be emotionally healthy for your son and yourself

Hi Jedi

Do you think I should wait 2 years from now since I started Plan B?

Or since he has already been living with OW for a year now should I only wait a year?

Thanks

HUGE gap. You're going to stay in affairland this way. The goal is to be completely in the dark about what he thinks/feels/does. You should be unsure of whether he would contact you directly IF he could. You need to know nothing about the state of the A.

Also, he just isn't going to take NC seriously if you have such a big route to contact left open.

I would give your 'in case of emergency' number cell phone to a trusted friend who will alert you if there is any emergency. If WH calls or texts for any flippant reason he should be told the number is for emergencies only. Your friend should not let you know IF he does that.

Dr H says separation is risky, so its possible they won't. However waywards can't stick to a strict Plan B (as you've seen) because they are so hungry for cake. They don't ever get around to 'freezing' the lovebank as the BS does.

They don't stop listening to news of the BS, they don't stop poring over memories and mementos. They keep the memories alive.

As the BS gets stronger, more independent and more healed, she moves into a very attractive new life. One that makes affairland look like garbage. The WS often sees this but the BS does not look back at what the WS is doing.