A few months ago my wife walked out.

We were having supper and had a small argument and she said she was unhappy and wanted to know she was loved and wanted someone to wake up and tell her that every day. I told her "Then you married the wrong man." She looked at me. I casually asked if she wanted a divorce. She nodded that she did. I was stunned but didn't want to show it so I told her "Then this is probably the last civil conversation we'll have."

She got up and I didn't follow her. She packed a bag and walked out. I suddenly realized that she was serious and tried to stop her but she left.

We've talked since, maybe once a week. Initially she said she wanted to save our marriage and that she realized she really loved me. I asked to go to a counselor and she agreed. but she only went once. Last week she said she didn't want to go through it again. She had seen a counselor for a year on her own and begged me to come. I refused.

We've talked on and off but increasingly she says she wants a divorce and wants to move on. But when we see each other, she holds me and cries.

Physically I'm strong and in good shape, but I come home from work and collapse on the floor in tears. This weekend I could barely walk from room to room. I have never cried in my life and I don't know how to cope.

There was no affair and I'm pretty sure there is not now.

I've spent hours looking at this forum and at others and seeing a counselor on my own and I realize that I was the main cause of our problem. She was always very affectionate and supportive and wanted to spend time together. In short, she truly was the perfect wife.

Looking back, I simply neglected her, took her for granted, corrected her constantly, always insisted on my way, rarely showed affection but often showed criticism, kept my life as private as possible - even going to the store or the gym I wouldn't tell her were I was or how long I'd be gone, and in short feel like a complete [censored] and realize that it had to be extremely unpleasant to live with me. I can't stand the person I see in my memory. I have no idea why I was such a jerk. Well actually I do - my father was a loving man but was very distant from my mother and I picked up a lot of his behavior. In retrospect, it was very destructive.

I know all that now and wish someone had kicked me in the head years ago. Since she's left, I text her every morning that I love her. I'm trying to show not only that I will, but that I can and actually have changed. She acknowledges as much.

But it's not enough.

I know that some part of her still feels something for me. She's not an unkind person. She's very gentle and sweet.

I don't know if it's enough but based on what I've read here, it seems like I have some small chance to put off divorce and maybe win back the person for whom I would give my life. I am willing to spend the rest of my life making sure she's never in doubt as to whether she's loved. I know I have a lot to learn but I can form new habits and I've been doing that for the past five months since she's been gone.

Any advice would be appreciated. The articles have been comforting. I wish I had read them years ago.

Welcome to MB.

Is this the first marriage for both of you?
Any children?

Hi Dibbly, welcome to Marriage Builders. You are doing the right things, but I would propose that you go to your wife with a PLAN in your hands. That plan would a detailed outline of how you plan on changing, starting with the elimination of what we call "lovebusters." From there, you should show her how you will restore the romantic love in your marriage.

I would show her this plan and then demonstrate to her over time that you really have changed. Otherwise, she would be crazy to come back to you.

Go read this article and come back and lets discuss: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

Mmm, I agree. It's nice getting 'I love you texts' but she probably fears she has to leave you to get the attention she needs!

If you show her a plan in which PoJA will prevent any more independent behavior, that will be more reassuring. I'd also dig out the daily advice in which Dr Harley gives to men who need to show more affection. It starts with rubbing her back in bed and includes calling from work to say when you'll be home.

I'd ask her if that sounds like a day she would enjoy.

I'd use that as my opener actually as it sounds like her highest need. Even if she were to say no, I bet it would get her thinking. Then I'd introduce the rest of the plan.

I can't remember straight off the exact article he gives that advice or I'd link it for you...

Tried all that. Problem is that she won't talk to me any more. Once a week or so she'll take my call. We had dinner 2 weeks ago and it was nice, so we planned on doing it again. She called to confirm the day before and said she needed her warm coat. I jokingly asked if that was the only reason she was coming over and she froze, got angry, and the next day sent a text telling me she doesn't want to pretend we're going to get back together because we won't. Wouldn't take calls for a week now.

Said she doesn't want to deal with the sadness. I asked if she was sad, she said no - it' my sadness that she doesn't want to deal with. It's like a completely different person - she's always been generous and kind and this is all new.

Dibbly, have you done any snooping to see if she is involved with someone else? None of your efforts will help if she's having an affair.

Do some digging and let the posters here know if you find evidence of an affair. They can help you break it up and give your marriage the best chance of success and reconciliation.