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Originally Posted by txstunnedman
She is gaslighting you. All waywards say anything to get you off their back. I know you want to believe she's the exception but chances are she's not.

Sorry you're going through this but you need to treat her as if she has no self control and is an addict because that is exactly what she is right now. She wants the relationship she built and she will do anything to keep it going as long as possible.

What is gaslighting? I was reading that somewhere and can't find it.


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Its actually from an old movie named Gaslight.
Its worth watching if you can

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Originally Posted by ChristianSamuari
What is gaslighting? I was reading that somewhere and can't find it.

Here's a good explanation of gaslighting.

Gaslighting


Well, it won't let me link that page for some reason.

Last edited by Viper; 11/19/13 01:14 PM.

Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

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Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Thanks....learning more about this.

So today she asked to spend time with me and we went bowling. She kissed me and we spent time together.

We had a discussion and I said I am getting close to that point that the marriage could go one way or another and I be fine. She said that hurt her. We were watching this video that our marriage counselor gave us to watch. It was pretty good. She said she is trying and she feels like she still loves me and cares for me.


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For jealousy arouses a husband's fury, and he will show no mercy
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Telling her that you are fine with the dissolution of the marriage is an uncaring statement. If you're in plan A that is a no-no.

Also, even if you choose to walk away from your marriage, being "fine" with doing so says you don't value marriage. Leaving the marriage may in fact be your best option, but it is not something you should be "fine" with. It's a tragedy.


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I am not fine with the dissolution of the marriage at all, but I said I am working to getting to place where either way would be fine but I prefer that we stay together and become better husband and wife.

Today, like I said we spend time and went bowling. I am still doing plan A and it's not like I am giving up, but I am being careful not to throw myself at her all over the place.

Our 7th wedding anniversary is coming up and she said something about going away together, just the two of us.


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You arent listening to justthe3ofus.
In plan A you DONT say that.

You say: I am willing to work with you to create a loving healthy marriage where both of our needs are met.

Please follow Plan A

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I am following Plan A. What advice due you have to fight through the pain of the affair, the images and all of that. I was reading the book and I didn't really see that addressed. I been taking a biblical approach of thinking of what the future can be with my wife and how things can better.


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Originally Posted by TranquilDark
You need to tell the children before your WW spin it into it being your fault for her adultery. I told my SS and DS, 9 and 4 at the time. Now I have custody and WW all but abandoned DS. SS is living with her and POSOM and let me tell you he isn't happy. WWs will also pull the "abuse" card as well. You teach your kids that they should tell the truth right? Time to practice what you preach.

Ephesians 5:11-13
11 Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.

My daughter is only 3. I am not sure if I should tell her yet...


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I am confused to one thing.
I am not the one who had the affair but yet I have to be the one to do PLAN A, meet WW needs without getting my needs met or having any discussion about the affair. That's just seems crazy...


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Originally Posted by ChristianSamuari
I am confused to one thing.
I am not the one who had the affair but yet I have to be the one to do PLAN A, meet WW needs without getting my needs met or having any discussion about the affair. That's just seems crazy...

The catch is, even though the right thing for a person whose had an affair to do would be for them to be the one to do all the heavy lifting to try to restore the marriage, very often a wife will not be willing to do that at first. Recovery is wonderful for both betrayed and wayward spouse, and ultimately is a joint project, where ultimately both are in love and the marriage is better than ever - it becomes the marriage it always should have been. But typically a wife needs her husband to do a lot of moving to learn to meet her emotional needs, which are much more complex than ours.

Regarding discussion of the affair - why would you want to keep reliving the pain? What would that accomplish? It won't make your wife feel more like meeting your emotional needs - it'll just make her (and you) miserable. Maybe it would be "right" to hold it in front of her and for her to respond, but attempting to motivate your wife through guilt is pretty much doomed to fail.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by ChristianSamuari
I am confused to one thing.
I am not the one who had the affair but yet I have to be the one to do PLAN A, meet WW needs without getting my needs met or having any discussion about the affair. That's just seems crazy...

The catch is, even though the right thing for a person whose had an affair to do would be for them to be the one to do all the heavy lifting to try to restore the marriage, very often a wife will not be willing to do that at first. Recovery is wonderful for both betrayed and wayward spouse, and ultimately is a joint project, where ultimately both are in love and the marriage is better than ever - it becomes the marriage it always should have been. But typically a wife needs her husband to do a lot of moving to learn to meet her emotional needs, which are much more complex than ours.

Regarding discussion of the affair - why would you want to keep reliving the pain? What would that accomplish? It won't make your wife feel more like meeting your emotional needs - it'll just make her (and you) miserable. Maybe it would be "right" to hold it in front of her and for her to respond, but attempting to motivate your wife through guilt is pretty much doomed to fail.

Now that you said it like that, it makes sense. I don't want to relieve the pain even though I feel like I am everyday.

Why is it when we talk and spend time together I feel better but when we are apart I feel like calling it quits... Is that because of the lack of trust.


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Is there a very different response between men and women who commit affairs and should I say I love you?


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Originally Posted by ChristianSamuari
Why is it when we talk and spend time together I feel better but when we are apart I feel like calling it quits... Is that because of the lack of trust.

It sounds to me like you need to be together more!

It's not that you need to trust her more - you need to make sure that she is only in situations in which anybody could be trust. Dr. Harley's position is that there are some circumstances under which anybody can be trusted - and some circumstances under which nobody should be trusted!

Probably when you are together you feel good as your emotional needs are being met - and when you are apart you wonder what she could be doing. You need to be personally snooping like a bloodhound so that you know for a fact what she is doing.

Are you working through the book, Surviving an Affair?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by ChristianSamuari
Why is it when we talk and spend time together I feel better but when we are apart I feel like calling it quits... Is that because of the lack of trust.

It sounds to me like you need to be together more!

It's not that you need to trust her more - you need to make sure that she is only in situations in which anybody could be trust. Dr. Harley's position is that there are some circumstances under which anybody can be trusted - and some circumstances under which nobody should be trusted!

Probably when you are together you feel good as your emotional needs are being met - and when you are apart you wonder what she could be doing. You need to be personally snooping like a bloodhound so that you know for a fact what she is doing.

Are you working through the book, Surviving an Affair?

I got the book and read the whole book and trying to implement Plan A. Your probably right about my needs.

We discussed about her coming back but she is worried that everything will just go back to the way it was...

Now she is talking about we should go away together for Anniversary...what good will that do?

I didn't contact her first today and this is what says in her text: "Hi don't wanna talk today?"

Does this indicate that I need to reach out and talk to her more to you guys and find out what's she doing and all this?


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For jealousy arouses a husband's fury, and he will show no mercy
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Going away is a great idea that Dr Harley would encourahe you to do
It is an excellent opportunity to make love bank deposits in plan a.

YES! Contact her every day!

I don't think you understand plan a.it is unconditional love. Make as many love bank deposits as possible

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Jedi,
I believe your right so I will, but I have to ask you this.
She asked if she could go away with my daughter and two of her friends on Dec 31st. Apparently one of them has one some tickets for a free hotel stay and aquarium visit. All women. What's your opinion.

Isn't it ridiculous that she would think about being with them at a time like this when she should focus on her marriage?


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First thank her for asking you if you felt ok with it. Thats a good sign IMO she is taking your feelings in account. Secondly I would decline or ask of you can join. Or better yet you make it a family affair and no outsiders. Remember to use I statements and don't come off as demanding and judgmental.

Last edited by TranquilDark; 11/22/13 01:11 AM.
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