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I am new to this site just noticed it about a week ago. I've read many of the articles posted and also the columns of advice, etc.
I have a quite different situation than most on here. I started an affair two years ago. I was with a younger girl that turned into a relationship. For me, I wasn't getting what I needed from my wife, emotionally she was a closed door. Depressed all the time and complaining the other half. We didn't have a good relationship and I decided to try to find it elsewhere. What I found was that even though I was with the other girl I never felt happy. We would go somewhere, do something, etc. and I would make her feel good but in secret I knew it was wrong and also I wished she was my wife and I was doing that stuff with her.
The one poster in here referred to this as the "FOG", he couldn't be more accurate. I justified, and made excuses constantly to continue even though looking back I got nothing out of it.
7 months ago, I find out that my wife had an affair. I caught her saying she was at a certain place and locating her on her phone proved she wasn't. I immediately questioned her and she admitted after several hours that she met a guy. At that time, I admitted to her about my affair. Total honesty.
At that time, she had supposedly met him for the first time that day, he was a person on the internet that she was chatting too. She continued that lie until I found otherwise which was two months later. I found emails that the person she was having an affair with was from a local firehall. She admitted that she had been seeing him for 8 months but when I caught her 2 months prior she ended everything. She denied any sex at all and said she wasn't ready for any sexual relations and was lost, and outside herself, etc.
5 months later she finally admits to sex. She said she felt embarrassed and ashamed of what she did. In her words, "she didn't feel comfortable telling me". At that time she admitted to one time, she cried and said how bad she felt etc.
1 month ago, she admits to having sex 4 times, two of which where a hotel.
As all of this is going on, my relationship with her is getting better. We talk more, we do things together, I stay at home, where before I would go out.
She has taken the complete opposite approach with me. She asked minimal questions and has chalked it up to the past and wants our future to be together. She's said things that he couldn't hold a candle to you, and you brought me back to reality, etc. I truly believe that there has not been any contact since 6 months ago. I caught her in a lie telling me it was over that day, in reality three weeks later was the last communication I can track.
With all of this being said, I have made her life a sorta hell when it comes to her affair. I admit that I have questioned her and it has turned into a guard-prisoner exchange at times. Also, I have a hard time letting things go. I chalk this up to my insecurity, but with all the lies I think some is justified.
The reason for my post is I'm not sure I can trust that I know everything. Although with that being said, do I need to know everything?
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Hi SI, welcome to Marriage Builders, you are in the right place. Yes, you do need to know the facts about the affair. Do you think there is more? Once all the facts are known the affair should never be brought up again. After the facts are known, all of your focus should be on a) affair proofing your marriage and b) creating a romantic relationship. Please go read the "start here first" thread but in the meantime, Dr Harley gives an overview of how to recover your marriage in Requirements for Recovery: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am new to this site just noticed it about a week ago. I've read many of the articles posted and also the columns of advice, etc.
I have a quite different situation than most on here. Your situation didn't strike me as being very different from most. Could you explain? I started an affair two years ago. You said that you "started" the affair 2 years ago, but you did not tell us when or if you ended your affair. How recently was your last contact with your adultery partner? I was with a younger girl that turned into a relationship. For me, I wasn't getting what I needed from my wife, emotionally she was a closed door. Depressed all the time and complaining the other half. We didn't have a good relationship and I decided to try to find it elsewhere. What I found was that even though I was with the other girl I never felt happy. We would go somewhere, do something, You told us where your wife and her adultery partner went and what they did, but you were as vague as possible about disclosing that sort of information about your own affair. For example, you wrote that your wife had sex with him in a hotel, but you only told us that you went "somewhere" and did "something" with your adultery partner. Your tendency to withhold information seems rather ironic considering the title of your thread.etc. and I would make her feel good but in secret I knew it was wrong and also I wished she was my wife and I was doing that stuff with her.
The one poster in here referred to this as the "FOG", he couldn't be more accurate. I justified, and made excuses constantly to continue even though looking back I got nothing out of it.
7 months ago, I find out that my wife had an affair. I caught her saying she was at a certain place and locating her on her phone proved she wasn't. I immediately questioned her and she admitted after several hours that she met a guy. At that time, I admitted to her about my affair. Total honesty. Did you disclose the fact that it was sexual or did you tell your wife that it was "only" emotional?
At that time, she had supposedly met him for the first time that day, he was a person on the internet that she was chatting too. She continued that lie until I found otherwise which was two months later. I found emails that the person she was having an affair with was from a local firehall. She admitted that she had been seeing him for 8 months but when I caught her 2 months prior she ended everything. She denied any sex at all and said she wasn't ready for any sexual relations and was lost, and outside herself, etc.
5 months later she finally admits to sex. She said she felt embarrassed and ashamed of what she did. In her words, "she didn't feel comfortable telling me". At that time she admitted to one time, she cried and said how bad she felt etc.
1 month ago, she admits to having sex 4 times, two of which where a hotel.
As all of this is going on, my relationship with her is getting better. We talk more, we do things together, I stay at home, where before I would go out.
She has taken the complete opposite approach with me. She asked minimal questions and has chalked it up to the past and wants our future to be together. She's said things that he couldn't hold a candle to you, and you brought me back to reality, etc. I truly believe that there has not been any contact since 6 months ago. I caught her in a lie telling me it was over that day, in reality three weeks later was the last communication I can track.
With all of this being said, I have made her life a sorta hell when it comes to her affair. I admit that I have questioned her and it has turned into a guard-prisoner exchange at times. I noticed that you wrote the words "I caught" repeatedly in this post, and then described your interactions as "a guard-prisoner exchange." You seem to take a position of authority in relation to your wife, trying to share the blame for your own affair with your wife, and then trying to decide how much information she should have to disclose, while being very cagey about the details of your own affair. Also, I have a hard time letting things go. I chalk this up to my insecurity, but with all the lies I think some is justified.
The reason for my post is I'm not sure I can trust that I know everything. Although with that being said, do I need to know everything? Do you think you may be concerned about her withholding information because that's what you are doing to her?
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threadjack to Jessica: please learn to use the quote feature!! You write some great posts but they are almost impossible to read. thanks! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I felt my situation was different than most because we where both having affairs at the same time. Most of what I have seen is one spouse or the other.
I ended my affair two days after I found out what my wife was doing. I confessed everything to her that night, the sex, what the affair consisted of, length of time, etc. My close friend stated that I didn't just tell her about it, I had a confession. I didn't hold back. I was hoping for the same result from her, thus I made a conscious decision to tell her everything.
The "do something or somewhere" was misunderstood, I was trying to convey that when I was with the other girl and we went somewhere or did something I felt good but wished I was with my wife occasionally.
I have not withheld anything.
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SI, just so you know, it is not uncommon for cheaters to go through trickle truth. Do you feel you have all the facts now? It is in your wife's best interest to tell you everything and get it over with so the subject can be dropped.
Are you sure her affair is over? Has ALL contact ended? Does she EVER run into this guy? What about you and your OW? Has all contact ended there?
Also, are either of these people married, and if so, were their spouses informed?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Also, are you married? How long married? Any children?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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What is trickle truth?
Really to be honest I'm not sure I have all the facts. That being said the only thing that I believe she hasn't told me is the amount of times she had sex. I guess that's the biggest issue I have. That's what led me to write the post. Do you think I really need to know that or just the fact they had sex is sufficient enough?
I have confronted him, I do believe its over. She could run into him but I've asked her not to go to the firehall so I don't have to worry.
I have talked to my affair partner a few times since. I reached out when I was having problems coping and thought she might be able to help. I have not seen her since I ended it though. The last time I talked to her was two months ago. Also, we've only talked about 5 times since it was ended.
Yes, he has a spouse and she does not know he had an affair. I was going to inform her but I thought it might make my situation worse, at least two months in I thought that.
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Yes married since 2008. We have two children, a 13y/o boy and a 4 y/o girl.
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Our 13y/o boy is my son from a previous marriage. My wife passed away when he was 4.
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Trickle truth is trickling the truth out slowly. That practice can be more damaging than the affair. Really to be honest I'm not sure I have all the facts. That being said the only thing that I believe she hasn't told me is the amount of times she had sex. I guess that's the biggest issue I have. That's what led me to write the post. Do you think I really need to know that or just the fact they had sex is sufficient enough? I would ask her for any remaining facts so you can put this to rest. It is in her best interest to tell you everything completely and fully so you can move on. Surely she can see that is in her best interest. I have confronted him, I do believe its over. She could run into him but I've asked her not to go to the firehall so I don't have to worry. As long as she can run into him, the affair is unlikely to end. You should worry very much if that is the case. I have talked to my affair partner a few times since. I reached out when I was having problems coping and thought she might be able to help. I have not seen her since I ended it though. The last time I talked to her was two months ago. Also, we've only talked about 5 times since it was ended. You should commit to ending all contact for life with her. And I do mean all contact. it is a good idea to send her a no contact letter. I will post it below. Yes, he has a spouse and she does not know he had an affair. I was going to inform her but I thought it might make my situation worse, at least two months in I thought that. It will make it worse if you don't because the OM's wife can't protect herself from your wife and her husband. She may have contracted STD's from her husband and she needs to be checked. She can also be a great ally in making sure your wife never ever contacts her husband again. I would call her tomorrow - without warning your wife - and tell her all about the affair. Additionally, your children and family members should be told about your affairs. The more people who know, the more people to hold you both accountable. I will post the necessary extraordinary precautions to avoid an affair in the next post along with a no contact letter that should be sent to both your adultery partners. Did your marriage start as an affair?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67
The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.
These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.
Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent. [from SAA, pg 58] OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely, XXXXX
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I guess how do I believe I have all the facts though. This whole process has been trickle truth from her. She's said many times I know everything. Just not sure if I do.
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SURVIVINGIT,
One possibility is to get a polygraph for both of you. Come up with a list of all the questions you can think of and ask WW to write her answers.
When you get the polygraph the operator will ask has she answered your questions truthfully.
God Bless
Gamma
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I guess how do I believe I have all the facts though. This whole process has been trickle truth from her. She's said many times I know everything. Just not sure if I do. You would have to determine if you have all the facts or not. It sounds to me like you have the basic facts. When you speak to the OM's wife you can compare notes and see if she knows anything more.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Have you both been tested for STD/I? Here. Polygraph Testing
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I guess how do I believe I have all the facts though. This whole process has been trickle truth from her. She's said many times I know everything. Just not sure if I do. You would have to determine if you have all the facts or not. It sounds to me like you have the basic facts. When you speak to the OM's wife you can compare notes and see if she knows anything more. The way I ended the trickle truth was by sitting down with my wife and using a calendar to go through the entire affair day by day. It was a painful exercise, but in worked.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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She claims that she doesn't remember everything. Dates she saw him etc.
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