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I'm the one that had the affair. I was wrong and am very remorseful. Everyone that knows tells him that he'll be a fool for taking me back. Why would he want to go with someone (me) that made him feel horrible like this? What can I do to show him (and everyone that knows us) that he's not a fool? What can I do to (in his words) "make him whole"? Please help. I know I messed up the best thing in my life. Thanks.

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Originally Posted By: CheatinWife
I'm the one that had the affair. I was wrong and am very remorseful. Everyone that knows tells him that he'll be a fool for taking me back. Why would he want to go with someone (me) that made him feel horrible like this? What can I do to show him (and everyone that knows us) that he's not a fool? What can I do to (in his words) "make him whole"? Please help. I know I messed up the best thing in my life. Thanks.


Have you completely ended your affair? How long ago was it? Who was it with (someone at work or a friend? etc..) There are lots of things you can do to change.


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The affair ended completely a little more than a year ago. It was someone from the gym.... that I no longer go to.

It's not what I can do to change. I know that my attitude was horrible during our marriage. My attitude will change and has changed for the better.

The DH needs to know that he's not being made a fool for taking me back. He needs to know that people that know us aren't going to be talking behind his back and saying that he's an idiot for letting me do this to him and then coming back.

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The best resource at this time is the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Willar d Harley.
It is a guidebook, for rebuilding a marriage after an affair.

One of the first things you should do is expose your affair to family and friends. Have you done so?
Do you have children? Did you expose to them?

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You registered here in 2012?

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Originally Posted By: Jedi_Knight
The best resource at this time is the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Willar d Harley.
It is a guidebook, for rebuilding a marriage after an affair.

One of the first things you should do is expose your affair to family and friends. Have you done so?
Do you have children? Did you expose to them?


Jedi is right. Exposure is the first step. What extraordinary precautions have you put in place to show him that you won't do this again? If you have done little or nothing in the way of EPs then you have not taken the step of rebuilding trust and showing you are serious. Also, have you and your husband written this person a no contact letter?


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Originally Posted By: RemorsefulWife

The DH needs to know that he's not being made a fool for taking me back. He needs to know that people that know us aren't going to be talking behind his back and saying that he's an idiot for letting me do this to him and then coming back.


Your husband needs to do what is right for him and stop worrying about what other people think. It is his life, not theirs. Those other people won't suffer the consequences of his choices, after all. Its wonderful to come up with great "advice" when it's not your ox getting gored. The fact is that most people do not get divorced after an affair. If your husband wants to stay married, we can teach you both how to have a great marriage.

Please read this article as it explains how you can make just compensation to your husband: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: RemorsefulWife
The affair ended completely a little more than a year ago. It was someone from the gym.... that I no longer go to.

It's not what I can do to change. I know that my attitude was horrible during our marriage. My attitude will change and has changed for the better.


Are you separated now? When did your husband find out?

What you can do to change is to clean up your boundaries around other men. The issue was not your attitude, but your boundaries. That is how affairs happen.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: Jedi_Knight
You registered here in 2012?


That's when the affair first started.

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Originally Posted By: Jedi_Knight
One of the first things you should do is expose your affair to family and friends. Have you done so?
Do you have children? Did you expose to them?


It's been exposed. We have children but they are 10 and 8 so they don't know the entire story.

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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Are you separated now? When did your husband find out?

What you can do to change is to clean up your boundaries around other men. The issue was not your attitude, but your boundaries. That is how affairs happen.


We are separated now. You're right, MelodyLane. It was my boundaries regarding other men. I'm close to 40 and hate to say it but I've learned my lesson. I've learned to define my boundaries and change my attitude.

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RW,

The affair ended completely a little more than a year ago. It was someone from the gym.... that I no longer go to.

Was the OM exposed to his W or GF, and to his job/church/family.

Do you still belong to a different gym?

Did you tell your BH the complete story or are you still hiding details?

God Bless
Gamma

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Originally Posted By: Gamma
RW,

The affair ended completely a little more than a year ago. It was someone from the gym.... that I no longer go to.

Was the OM exposed to his W or GF, and to his job/church/family.

Do you still belong to a different gym?

Did you tell your BH the complete story or are you still hiding details?

God Bless
Gamma



Hi Gamma,

I'm still new to I'm not too familiar with the abbreviations. I found that OM meant Offending Man. W is wife and GF is girlfriend. BH is Betrayed Husband (?).

OM didn't have a W or a GF. Doesn't work, doesn't go to church, doesn't have a family. Yeah, real winner that I chose!! *I'm being sarcastic*

BH knows everything. I don't have anything to hide anymore. I don't need to lie.

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Originally Posted By: RemorsefulWife
Originally Posted By: Jedi_Knight
One of the first things you should do is expose your affair to family and friends. Have you done so?
Do you have children? Did you expose to them?


It's been exposed. We have children but they are 10 and 8 so they don't know the entire story.


Do they know about the affair and why your marriage has broken up?

Who left whom? Did your husband move out? Or did you? Who has the kids?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane


Do they know about the affair and why your marriage has broken up?

Who left whom? Did your husband move out? Or did you? Who has the kids?


They do not know about why.

I left him. I moved out and the kids are in a joint situation between both of us.

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Did you move out to conduct your affair? How did you come to move out? And when was your last contact (of any kind) with the OM?

Will your husband allow you to move back?

And Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders does recommend telling children the truth. Giving them false explanations for the source of the problems causes enormous confusion and just teaches them that dishonesty is accepable.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: RemorsefulWife
Originally Posted By: Jedi_Knight
You registered here in 2012?


That's when the affair first started.


Did your husband come here in 2012?
Im curious why you registered in 2012 while having an affair?

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Originally Posted By: Jedi_Knight
The best resource at this time is the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Willar d Harley.
It is a guidebook, for rebuilding a marriage after an affair.


This book is my main suggestion to you. If you have the older one, get the new revised edition that came out this year.

Dr. Harley's basic position, which he lays out early in the book, is that after being the victim of infidelity, he would not fault anyone for ending their marriage. But he does have a program for recovery, described in the book, and he encourages people to read through and consider his plan before making their decision. For couples where both husband and wife have followed the plan, the result has been not just marital recovery, but the happy marriage that they always wanted.

The book will lay out many things the two of you will need to do to make a happy marriage. In doing these things, you will be able to make compensation to your husband for the damage you did to your marriage. He will not come off looking like a fool - he will come out as a very happy married person.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted By: RemorsefulWife
Originally Posted By: Jedi_Knight
One of the first things you should do is expose your affair to family and friends. Have you done so?
Do you have children? Did you expose to them?


It's been exposed. We have children but they are 10 and 8 so they don't know the entire story.


They don't need to know sexual details, but 8 and 10 are perfectly fine ages to know that they had an unfaithful parent. Tell them immediately. This will help your husband, and it is also good for them to know the truth.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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