Two weeks ago, I came up to go to bed and shut off the computer. My husbands hotmail was opened still. For the 1st time ever I decided to look at it. I saw lots of attachments to messages with no subject matter. To my horror they were sexual texts sent to him by a woman. I confronted him immediately. He lied to me and said they were just "goofing around" but that it got out of hand. Noting to worry about. That night I lay away downstairs and decided to go in and investigate. I discovered about 40 or so photos. With her responses to whatever he said. I could read between the lines what the conversations were about.

I woke him up around 3 and demanded to know more about this. He tried to block my access to his hotmail but I told him if he did I would call his boss and blow this affair with his co-worker. Blackmail in this case served me well. He opened it and I began to look and re-look.

He lied about how long it was until I confronted him. Then came clean. No sex dear. Just crossed the lines. Yah...you think?

So as of now, he has sent her a text telling her no more contact. We have been to a marriage counc. as of Monday past. He says he is committed to getting us back on track. But I cannot get out of my head how bad he had it for her and that this just does not go away. Infatuation will remain just that as long as they work together. For him to quit is not an option.

I feel like a truck was dropped on my brain. I cannot eat/sleep and have become for the 1st time in my life a needy female. Where before I was strong and resilient.

I don't know why I am writing on here but perhaps someone...anyone to offer anything would help.

Drowning..............

I forgot to add one thing. This woman gave my hubby the boot telling him he has a young family and what they were doing was wrong. I can tell he is sad about this.

I am so sorry. As long as he can't quit the job, then marital recovery is not an option. Recovery is impossible as long as they work together. You are facing years of on again, off again affair. Every day he goes to work with her is a new opportunity for them to hook up.

So if you are serious about saving your marriage, then he will have to find another job. Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders, would recommend giving him one month to get out of there. If he does not leave that job in one month, then you should expose it to the workplace on an official level.

It should also be exposed to your family, children, close friends and the family of the OW. There is a very narrow path to recovery and quietly sweeping it under the rug will only result in a resumed affair or other affairs down the road. We can help you, but he has to FIRST leave the job.

Hello, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am so sorry for the reason that brought you here. I know that you will soon get some responses from more experiences posters, but meanwhile, have you started looking around the site?

Dr. Harley has many useful newletters posted here for free. Here is one to get you started: How to Survive an Affair

The infatuation will GROW the longer they see each other at work. This is like the "recovering" alcoholic going into the bar every day and trying to sober up. It won't ever happen.

We are from a smaller centre. I am a stay at home mom. We are on one income. There are not jobs for his specific field. I get that he cannot move on. He has watched the videos on here. Is going to see marriage therapist and has sent her this message that will only be work contact. He said he can do everything to save us but we are not in a financial position for him to get another job. His job may have him only there 2 days a week now and they are in different depts. I am not justifying. I wish I was not even writing this. I am just feeling like I am buried alive and can hardly breathe. Emotional affairs.....more dangerous?! I think so.

In that case, I would prepare to get divorced, Sheppie. Since recovery will be impossible under these conditions, Dr Harley would tell you to separate within 3 weeks. Women have nervous breakdowns and severe physical symptoms from staying in such situations more than a few weeks.

If you think you feel "buried" today, you can't even imagine what you are facing if this does not end. Surely, you know that he has is addicted to the OW and the affair will never end this way?

Will he move out?

No. He is trying his damdest to show me how much he cares. He is spending lots of time here. We have had lots of intimacy. We are sitting each night and talking about what is bothering me. How much this hurts....and he is listening and offering his sorrys. He has deleted stuff from her. Contact info and only has to see her for 5 min mgt meetings. But they do not actually chat.

I could have written this five years ago. H tried to limit contact with OW to work-related conversation and meetings. He lasted about ten days. Then he and OW were back at "chatting". My H left his job about three months after D-day. On his last day of work, OW sought him out and the conversation between them was about how much they loved each other.

Either OW or your husband MUST leave this job. He MUST never see nor speak with her again - ever, about anything. That is the ONLY was to recover your marriage.

BTW, you do know that this was a sexual affair, right?

Yep, what armymama and Melody said. My H took exactly 7 days before re-igniting the affair when I didn't follow through with proper Extraordinary Precautions.

Sheppie, it can never work unless either he or she leaves the job. Every time that he sees her, it will put you and he right back to square one, and that is IF he could handle the trigger of seeing her without the affair re-igniting (which he can't).

Many people here have had to quit jobs and even careers due to an affair. Will your husband's job still be as important to you if you are no longer together? The priority is your marriage!

That is all great, but you can't recover your marriage unless he leaves the job. It is impossible. I am so sorry. I do not say that lightly. Dr Harley has specialized in infidelity for 40 years and he will tell you recovery is impossible this way.

I have been here for 12 years and seen thousands of recoveries. NEVER have I seen one where the affairees were still in contact. It is impossible. But I have seen hundreds of resumed affairs, divorces, pregnancies over the years when someone tried to skip step one.

It is like an alcoholic who goes in the bar every day and drinks. He changes the name of his drinks to "business drinks" but he never gets sober.

Staying in this position is very dangerous to your mental and physical health because you know every day is a day when the affair can/will resume. This lifestyle will drive you into a nervous breakdown.

There is no job that is worth losing your marriage and your mental health over.

NONE of this will save your marriage.

Choose one: your husband or his job.

Also, what led him to have an affair? My guess is poor boundaries around women. If that doesn't change, it doesn't matter where he is working.

I am sk confused. I have read it is possible to end it with a no contact clause, What led to the affair was a total breakdowns to which I was part of. Difference us, I did not go out of the circle.

I am a stay at home with no option for work yet. Though will not subject myself to anymore

Sheppie, one couple went into the HR director and told him all about the affair and explained that they could not work in the same town ever again. The company took pity on the couple and transferred the husband to a different town. That might be an option for you and your husband. It is in the company's interest to separate such employees to avoid sexual harassment lawsuits. Does his company have operations in another city/state?

They are in contact, though, so there is no "no contact clause." Contact has to end in order for there to be any hope. This is otherwise hopeless.

What led to the affair is your husband's poor boundaries around women. Sure, the marriage problems might have made it more tempting, but he would have never had an affair if he had appropriate boundaries around women.

I am thinking I will show him this tonight. Bug there is no where for him, for us go go. I am here caring for elderly parents.

I think you can find a way if you brainstorm some solutions if you are serious about saving your marriage. It might seem difficult but it is not impossible.

Here are a few radio clips where Dr Harley discusses this:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=652

another case in 3 parts: Part 1 Part 2 part 3

And a paragraph from his book His Needs, Her Needs:

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. He must certainly not work with his former lover and should probably live in some other city or state. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...