Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist
From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

This is like being assaulted all over again. I am so angry.

Sheppie, my dear, we know and completely understand your devastation. But we would be doing you a grave disservice if we led you to believe recovery was possible under these circumstances. You are headed towards a disaster that we have seen played out many times over the years.

We have had doctors, pilots, engineers, teachers quit their jobs, sell their businesses, uproot their kids, sell their homes and move all the way across the nation. Every single one said they were glad they did when it was over.

An affair is a life changing event. It is not something that can just be swept under the rug and ignored. Life as you know it cannot just go on. If you keep your life the same, the problem will remain the same.

Staying there with the OW will be like a death of a thousand cuts for you. If you think you have it bad now, you haven't seen anything yet. It will get worse and worse because you will get weaker and weaker.

OMG..I could just die. I thank you for your candor. I am sick ..all over again and here I was thinking..maybe....maybe we could move on............? Idiot I was. And him, worse but I will not say on here.

I want to promise that you have a chance at a better life than what you had before. I know that seems impossible right now, but our couples who had to go through big life changes were well rewarded with a great marriage. We can help you do that.

LThank you. I am locked in my bathroom writing to u as I have np one go talk go. My husband wants this regional position a,d will not give notice. As I know many of u have faced, I cannot get out of the mud. I am a mom of one. Many friends. Confident. And now all,this seems like a distant memory. I know...raw...not even 3 weeks.

Sheppie, I would do as Dr Harley recommends here:

Surviving an Affair - pg 71,

"While I unhesitatingly recommend exposing the affair to friends, family, clergy, children and the lover's spouse, I'm not so quick to suggest exposing it to an employer. That's because such exposure could have unintended legal and economic consequences. For example, the affair might constitute grounds for a sexual harassment claim by the unfaithful spouse's lover. Or it might trigger the outright firing of the spouse, making it far more difficult for them to find another job. So in those cases I usually advise the betrayed spouse to warn the unfaithful spouse he or she will expose the affair to the employer in a month if the unfaithful spouse is still working there, giving him or her time to make a graceful exit from the job to another. Even if a new job cannot be found in a month, I recommend waiting no longer to inform the employer, unless the unfaithful spouse has already resigned."

And Sheppie, keep in mind that your husband desperately does not want to lose contact with the OW. He has the perfect gig where he can go see her at work every day.

That is one other reason why he is hanging on so tightly. Keep that in mind. He is very addicted to this OW and will not easily give her up. It is exactly the same dynamic as an alcoholic or a crack head. They are not going to gladly over the crack pipe.

You know lots of yelling last night. I told him I would like him to leave. He yelled at me saying he has been waiting for this. That he takes full responsibility for his actions. That this will not happen again. That he is committed to us. We have house guests over so never a good time to start this but this got me all riled up again. He also told me in anger he was going to leave. Then changed his mind. But I feel that I am pushing him to this decision as he is under tremendous pressure at work and at home. I am going to explode I think. No, I know.

Stand your ground. It is the only way to save your marriage. Tell him he has one month to leave or you will expose to the workplace. And he does need to move out if he won't leave the job. You won't have a marriage otherwise. You will have a nervous breakdown. You do need to push him until he either quits the job or moves out. DEMAND that he leave the job and end all contact.

From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."

Welcome to MB dear Sheppie, so sorry for your pain.

DO NOT bring your WH here!!
Not yet.



Yes, the true face shows itself when the crack pipe gets taken away.

They are sweet as sugar when allowed to take daily hits and still come home to you.

It's by no means hopeless though. Don't let his anger perturb you one little bit. That is just the typical wayward response.

Sheppie, I know you are in real, true shock and feel like you're dying inside. That's ok though. By the time you've had a few days of MB bootcamp you'll be ready to take on an army.

You need to expose this at a workplace level in about a month's time. In about three week's time you'll need to separate (this is a surprise so don't mention it) otherwise you will go nuts. Your kids need a safe, serene , healthy mother. Your marriage will also not benefit at all if you are in rowing matches and getting weaker.

In the meantime:
1) Eat and sleep. I would also highly recommend anti depressants. Some of your posts show great strain and you need a clear head for the next steps. See your doctor. No need to tell WH.
2) See a lawyer. Find out what your options are regarding financial support and separation. You may not need them, or you may only need to do a brief separation, but DO get this set up. It will empower you to have this option. Again, no need to tell WH.
3) No yelling. If he yells, say you are sorry his A is causing him so much trouble and excuse yourself. Don't bother nagging him to quit, you've already said your piece so let him twist in the wind. Don't explain yourself and look very unimpressed and leave if he tries any counter arguments.

You're in Plan A. Its a short period of time where you show the wayward what a rockstar you are. That you take no nonsense but are also totally zen.

Wear his shirts around the house and nice perfume, but I wouldn't let him touch you. Sweetly explain you need him to quit, total NC and even then you will need an STD test. And that you love him. Bow, and exit stage right.

I am trying. Bug think I appear dramatic and desperate. It is all
Too much. I have read many stories on here. Though different, not so different. My eyes are so sad,that a stranger made comment to that this week. It all feels so hopeless. I want this to go away. I want my life back. Damn him!!!

I do not know what a WH is? Sorry slow. I am reading and re-reading these posts. I am in shock I know that. I will not take pills. I run instead. Better for me. But I am so confused with all of this. And my options are so limited at present. But you are not wasting your time. I am taking to heart and am taking in what I can right now. Just hard to see thru the fog.

OW broke it off with him about 7 weeks ago saying wrong blah blah...so there has been no contact in that regard. BUT I am no fool and know that he likely still pines. She has avoided him at work until recently when noticing he avoiding him, asked him "what's wrong"...to which he replied I will tell you tonight. In front of me, sent her a message telling her no more contact of any kind. I felt relief as he did that.

Sheppie,

don't wait to expose. You are having guests over, who have no clue what is going on and everybody expects you to be happy. If you expose, people will be able to support you aside from the presure this puts on your husband to end this unhealthy situation.

WH refers to Wayward Husband.
Running is great!

Have you done this?
You also need to expose to family and friends.

I cannot expose at present. But I am thinking I have to or I will crack up. I want to climb into a hole and not come out.

Cannot? You are in prison and cut off from the outside world?
Are incapable to move and not able to communicate?

can not?...

No just meant that the ppl staying at my home are dealing with a serious life threatening illness. I will have to start to tell people. I am losing my mind...slowly.