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My husband and I have not been meeting each others needs for quite a while, and as is common, the result was an affair.

I had realized things weren't right and had made some changes in how I was treating and responding to my husband, and he responded positively immediately. Ironically, within a few days I discovered his affair. He had ended it before I found out, but after the changes had started taking place. It had started as a friendship several years ago, then progressed a few months ago to where they confided in each other (through messaging)about their respective problems in their marriages, yada yada (so classic!)and had progressed to the physical only a month before I found out.
I waited a couple of weeks to tell him I knew - in the meantime keeping tabs on him and his messages/texts/etc - he did not see or call her - at one point they were supposed to meet - which had been set up a couple of weeks prior, and he did not try to go to where they were supposed to meet - instead he made specific arrangements to be with me at that time, and she actually called him when he didn't show - he glaced at his phone and declined the call since he was with me - I had not yet told him that I knew, so I do believe he honestly was at that point ready to end it and not sure how to do it. He did text her to let her know that things had changed and we were working on our relationship - she actually encouraged him to try at that point, but wanted to remain friends "whatever he decided".

When I confronted him with the fact that I knew, and that I had already made the decision to fight for our marriage, he immediately agreed to cut off all contact, he has been apologetic, completely transparent in his activities, access to phone, ipad, facebook, etc. He texts me often, including pictures of where he is and what he is doing. He gives me his receipts with times on them when he has them so I know where and when he has been. He volunteered to do whatever I needed him to - shout it from the roof, confess to whoever, etc. Before ever seeing this site, he determined that he would not go to an event where the OW would be and made other arrangements to not be where she would be, without my prompting.

He has done everything he can to express his profound regret and sadness at how he has hurt me, and has offered to go to counseling, take courses, or whatever I need him to do in order to save our marriage. He acknowledges that my responses to him and not trying to meet his needs were a result of the way he was not meeting my needs and feels like all of our problems come back to him not living up to his responsibilities in our marriage.

I have not exposed his affair for several reasons. One is that I don't know what the OW's BS would do - I don't know him, but by reputation I could potentially see him coming after my husband in a violent manner. My husband has been a leader in various capacies in our church, and while I doubt that this would change, it would really be a negative on something that has always been a positive - he has years of positive service and influence on teens and young adults in our church.
We have four teenaged sons,and they do not know. They do not suspect anything has ever been wrong - we have rarely fought or argued, and they have even made comments about how they are so glad that we aren't like so many of their friend's parents who yell and scream or are divorced, etc. I think it would be very traumatic for them at this point, although I can see telling them later, maybe when they are getting married and pointing out how to not let this happen to them, etc.

So the affair has ended, he told OW it was over after I confronted him, she does not live in our community, (they met at an recreational activity that I don't participate in several years ago - got that classic one, too), he has tried to prove in everyway that he will not go back and I believe him - and in this context, is "full exposure" really necessary? We are working through "His Needs, Her Needs" together, have the DVD set, etc, and are making this a priority. We are in the beginning phases, but have spent more time together and talked more in the last two months than we have in the last two years. (We have been married for 21 years)

I have read through some of "exposure 101", but our situation does not seem to be the usual. So my question is, what would be the benefit of full exposure - I think I would be more embarrassed by a "reveal"(yes, I know - not my fault) and our kids would as well. He will do whatever I want.
So is it necessary?

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Yes,
Dr Harley would encourage you to expose the affair.
It is a measure of accountability and the first step towards marital recovery

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Also, I would stop working on His Needs Her Needs and follow the program Surviving an Affair.
That is what is needed to effectively recover from infidelity

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Originally Posted By: beautifulday

I have read through some of "exposure 101", but our situation does not seem to be the usual. So my question is, what would be the benefit of full exposure - I think I would be more embarrassed by a "reveal"(yes, I know - not my fault) and our kids would as well. He will do whatever I want.
So is it necessary?


BD, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry for the reasons that brought you here. Your husband's affair is the typical affair that we see on these boards. Exposure is the most important first step in recovery. There are several reasons why. First off, it is a therapeutic measure that helps the affairees see the affair in realistic light. Affairs thrive on secrecy and fantasy, so exposing it helps the affairs gain a more realistic perspective.

And more importantly, the more people who know, the more people to hold your husband accountable and support your family. just think, if others don't know they would not know that your husband is not in any position to hold a leadership role in the church. That is not in his best interest, the church's best interest and certainly not yours. He should be removed from any leadership roles in the church until he has repented.

And that brings me to the next aspect of your story: repentance. You wrote:

Originally Posted By: beautifulday
I have not exposed his affair for several reasons. One is that I don't know what the OW's BS would do


Your husband's other victim, the OW's husband, has not been told what your husband and his wife have done to this man behind his back. You are worried about what this man might do when we KNOW your husband is the real danger to him. The fact that the OW's husband has not been told is in direct contradiction of the assertion that your husband has repented. He most certainly has not. He has hidden this affair from his children, his pastor, and this woman's husband.

In other words, he is still living a lie and deceiving many people.

That is not in his best interest, your best interest or ANYONE's best interest. The only thing that benefits from this secrecy is the affair. And I sincerely believe you do not want to do that. Don't harm your chances of marital recovery and most of all, don't harm your husbands chances of personal recovery.

My suggestion would be to expose the affair on your own without forewarning your husband. Just get it done so you can move onto the next stages of recovery. This is the SINGLE MOST important first step and you can't afford to skip it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: beautifulday
We are working through "His Needs, Her Needs" together, have the DVD set, etc, and are making this a priority. We are in the beginning phases, but have spent more time together and talked more in the last two months than we have in the last two years. (We have been married for 21 years)


Also, I would put aside His Needs, Her Needs for now and focus solely on Surviving an Affair. You must deal with the affair FIRST before you move onto recovery steps.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I agree with ML that the OM, regardless of his reaction, has a right to know that his wife has cheated on him, and he has a right to know who her affair partner is. He was wronged, and your husband has a moral obligation to let him know the truth. An apology is also in order.

**edit**

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**edit**

Originally Posted By: Dr Bill Harley in When Should an Affair be Exposed?
"What about exposure of an affair that took place years earlier and is now ended but recently revealed? I feel that the children, close relatives, close friends, and the lovers spouse should be informed. Granted, it's embarrassing to admit an affair, but publicly admitting failure is usually the first step toward redemption.

As you probably already know, I'm a strong advocate of honesty and openness in marriage. I call it transparency -- letting your spouse know everything about you, especially your faults. But should that level of openness carry into the public arena? I believe that it should in cases of extreme irresponsibility, and that certainly includes infidelity. When you have done something very hurtful to someone else, others should know about it. Such exposure helps prevent a recurrence of the offense. Your closest friends and relatives will be keeping an eye on you -- holding you accountable."
here

Originally Posted By: Dr Bill Harley
"While most affairs die a natural death in less than two years, there are some that take much longer to die. That's one of the primary reasons that my first rule in surviving an affair is to never see or talk to the lover again -- even if the affair seems to have died a natural death. An affair can rekindle after it seems to be over. And to guarantee complete separation between the unfaithful spouse and the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken, such as providing radical accountability and transparency. In many cases, I've encouraged couples I've counseled to change jobs or even move to another state to help create permanent separation.

Another suggestion I make to a couple struggling to restore their marriage after one of them had an affair is to make the affair public. Everyone should know what happened -- children, relatives, friends, and especially the children and spouse of the lover -- so that the affair is exposed to the light of day. What often makes affairs appealing is that it is done in secret. Most affairs become very unappealing once everyone knows about it.

So whether an affair is a one night stand, or has been going on for years, the basic rule for ending them are the same -- extraordinary precautions to guarantee permanent separation. But I will admit that the precautions used for long-term affairs are usually more extraordinary than those used for short-term affairs. I've helped many spouses overcome affairs that have lasted over ten years, but none of them have been easy."


From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67 Revised Edition

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.


Last edited by MBsurvivor; 11/22/13 06:28 PM. Reason: removing quotes

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: Justthe3ofus
I agree with ML that the OM, regardless of his reaction, has a right to know that his wife has cheated on him, and he has a right to know who her affair partner is. He was wronged, and your husband has a moral obligation to let him know the truth. An apology is also in order.

**edit**


The purpose of exposure, as Dr Harley explains, serves multiple purposes.
First, it places pressure on the affair by bringing it into the light of day.
Second, it allows family and friends to understand the trauma the betrayed spouse is experiencing.
Third, it helps hold the wayward accountable.
This man is a church official. His church needs to know of his adultery because he is not fit for leadership at this point.

Last edited by MBsurvivor; 11/22/13 06:33 PM. Reason: editing quote
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Thanks for the replies.

I have read all of the above previously, and I understand that this course of action is the recommended one. We've read most of Surviving an Affair, and most of the pages on this site. I found it somewhat amazing that the checklist for ending an affair was essentially what we had done, before finding this site or the book, with the exception of exposure.

My concern with the OW's BS is his reaction - I do not know this couple personally, but there have been comments made about him from mutual acquaintances/friends in the past, not in reference to this particular situation, that would make me worry about a truely violent reaction - i.e. he shows up at my house with a gun, placing not only my husband, but me and my children in danger.

I should also clarify that my husband is not a "church official" - he is a volunteer who has had a variety of positions in our church over the years.

He has absolutely no problem with full exposure. He has volunteered it. I'm the one who is hesitant. I am a "private person" by nature, and I think I would be hurt and traumatized further by letting all our friends and family know. I don't want to be the recipient or sorrowful looks or constant questions about how I am doing. I don't want my children to endure comments from their peers - kids can be really cruel,as we all know, and teens can be very sensitive. As I stated above, I do believe that we will tell them at some point in the future. While there is always collateral damage from an affair, I want to minimize it as much as possible.

I guess I'm looking for others who may have succeeded at recovery without full exposure. Again it is ME that doesn't want to do it, not my WS.

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You will not find support for not exposing here.
Dr Harley is very clear on this matter

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Originally Posted By: beautifulday

My concern with the OW's BS is his reaction - I do not know this couple personally, but there have been comments made about him from mutual acquaintances/friends in the past, not in reference to this particular situation, that would make me worry about a truely violent reaction - i.e. he shows up at my house with a gun, placing not only my husband, but me and my children in danger.


The greater danger is your husband. Your husband has assaulted this man and his children. As long as you do not warn this man, your husband is free to continue to assault his marriage and his family. I doubt he is violent [that is a classic wayward wife lie] but if he is, then it is better for you and your children if you tell him up front, rather than waiting for him to find out on his own and show up on your doorstep. And he will find out!

This man has to be told about the affair so he can protect himself and his children from your husband. To do otherwise is cruel and manipulative. And is certainly not in your husbands best interest. It is also not in you or your husbands best interest for him to NOT REPENT. Do you want him to get better or not? He will never overcome his wayward mind as long as his victim is deceived.

Quote:


I should also clarify that my husband is not a "church official" - he is a volunteer who has had a variety of positions in our church over the years.


The pastor of your church should be informed so he can be relieved of any positions of leadership.

Quote:
He has absolutely no problem with full exposure. He has volunteered it. I'm the one who is hesitant. I am a "private person" by nature, and I think I would be hurt and traumatized further by letting all our friends and family know. I don't want to be the recipient or sorrowful looks or constant questions about how I am doing. I don't want my children to endure comments from their peers - kids can be really cruel,as we all know, and teens can be very sensitive. As I stated above, I do believe that we will tell them at some point in the future. While there is always collateral damage from an affair, I want to minimize it as much as possible.


You are maximizing the damage by keeping his secret. You hurt everyone, especially your children. Your husbands other victim is especially harmed by this deceit. And in doing so, you inadvertently hurt yourself, your husband and your children.

You also harm your children by not telling them first. That leaves them vulnerable to hear it from someone else. Kids can deal with the truth, they can't deal with lies.

So, if you need a selfish reason to do the right thing, you should consider those facts.

Quote:
I guess I'm looking for others who may have succeeded at recovery without full exposure. Again it is ME that doesn't want to do it, not my WS.


It is a bad idea that you need to reconsider. You won't recover your marriage if you keep the affair a secret. Don't do that to your husband, your children, and especially your husbands other victim, the OW's husband. Dr Harley would tell you to expose the affair if you are serious about recovering your marriage.

Originally Posted By: Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and author of Surviving an Affair
"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: beautifulday
I guess I'm looking for others who may have succeeded at recovery without full exposure.


You'll probably not find any.

We can always find people who cut corners - but usually they are still talking about how bad their marriage is, years later, or how they still aren't sure if their spouse is faithful, etc.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted By: beautifulday
My husband and I have not been meeting each others needs for quite a while, and as is common, the result was an affair.



He had an affair because he has poor boundaries around women. I would be very upset if a man who was leader in my church had an affair, while not only being a complete liar, but also leading my children to believe he is a Godly man. How insulting this is to God.

I have a gazillion children also ... they know about my WxH's adultery. It's the only way to protect them from repeating the same mistakes my WxH made.

I encourage you to expose to the church, your children, and OW's betrayed husband. All of these players will be needed to help you prevent this from ever happening again, because your WH will always be addicted to this woman.

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Its really not much of a surprise the betrayed husband does not come off well in social situations. Look at what he has to deal with at home!

Its also common for wayward wives to describe their BHs as violent to as many people as possible. It is NEVER true. If you were scared of your husband, would you sleep with other men?

Also regarding the unlikely chance he is violent, he is much less likely to be if you manage this proactively instead of waiting for him to show up at any given time. The truth always comes out. At least this way you are in control and prepared.

Originally Posted By: beautifulday


He has absolutely no problem with full exposure. He has volunteered it. I'm the one who is hesitant. I am a "private person" by nature, and I think I would be hurt and traumatized further by letting all our friends and family know. .


You are holding him back from the freedom of repentance. How would you like to have a skeleton in the closet for the rest of your life? Never knowing when it will tumble out? Your H will never be able to enjoy people's good opinion of him ever again. Because that opinion is based on a falsehood. He'd much rather do what other FWH's have done on here: Come clean and then honestly earn a new reputation with new actions and behaviours.
One he can be proud of.

You're also tempting him beyond his strength. He wasn't able to resist last time, partly because he knew he could operate under a veil of secrecy that you would support.

Remove that veil. People don't cheat when they know everyone is going to find out. It never would have happened without that veil you are so willing to keep hold of.

Originally Posted By: beautifulday
I don't want to be the recipient or sorrowful looks or constant questions about how I am doing. .


I really doubt your close loved ones are this awful. I am sure they are intelligent, reasonable people and you are simply embarassed and afraid. Besides which, most people who expose are surprised to discover that many other people had the same issue too but were just too chicken to say anything. 60 per cent of marriages encounter infidelity.

Originally Posted By: beautifulday
I don't want my children to endure comments from their peers - kids can be really cruel,as we all know,.


Why on earth would you expose to schoolfriends? Close loved ones, clergy and children are all that is required.

Originally Posted By: beautifulday
We have four teenaged sons,and they do not know. They do not suspect anything has ever been wrong - we have rarely fought or argued, and they have even made comments about how they are so glad that we aren't like so many of their friend's parents who yell and scream or are divorced, etc. I think it would be very traumatic for them at this point, although I can see telling them later, maybe when they are getting married and pointing out how to not let this happen to them, etc.


But they are learning behaviours NOW. The tiny things which lead to affairs, and seem normal, but aren't are being absorbed by your sons today. They need to know you aren't getting it right, but that you will.

Your comment about 'not arguing' is classic. If they think that's the secret they need to learn it isn't working and fast. They've never seen you communicate effectively because you haven't been. They also probably think it is absolutely fine to have opposite sex friends in marriage if their dad does.


Besides, delaying the truth just adds more lies. Just think how hurtful it will be for them to enjoy ten or so years of ignorant bliss post-affair and then find out you fooled them. That the Christmas that was so great was just a big fat lie.

You can either say a) your dad had an affair or b) your dad had an affair and the last ten years have been a lie too.

Why would you do that?

Honsestly, I think you two have a great shot at recovery. I like your WH's attitude and behaviours and that is rare for an MBer as we are pretty strict about the levels of repentance a H should show.

I've been on here two years and I've seen promising couples skip exposure. They all crashed and burned and repeated old mistakes.

Other vets have been here longer. Melody Lane has been on here ten years and she feels so strongly about exposure it's in her signature.

I'd hate to see someone like you, with such a promising start screw up the very first step in this program.

I remember feeling the way you do - embarassed and scared. I feared violence too - from my own father towards WH!!!

It was nonsense. Silly fears. Everyone was amazing and supportive. My WH's own family were legendary. My own were good too.

Dr H does specify some exceptions to exposure: A violent spouse, or the risk of an imminent job loss which would remove needed support.

However he is very clear that not even these exceptions will not recover and therefore recommends separation. They can't expose because of safety and finances - which also means they won't recover either. He just thinks a roof over childrens heads and personal safety in these cases is more important than recovery.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted By: beautifulday
My husband and I have not been meeting each others needs for quite a while, and as is common, the result was an affair.


That isn't why he had an affair!!

If you were in a coma, meeting zero needs, he wouldn't have an affair unless he also had an opposite sex friend he was falling for.

Similarly if you were meeting every need perfectly, he's still going to fall for his opposite sex friend if he is so foolish as to have one.

When we have an OS friend, we talk about our relationships and problems. Problems which are never about them. They are always there, always sympathetic. They never demand any help with the kids or the bills or the dishes. They offer easy, unconditional love.

No spouse, however perfect, can compete with that.

I feel pretty confident in your H's truthfulness right now - so go ask him. He could easily have told you what he needed, but he had someone else to talk to.

If he hadn't had an OS friend, he would never have gone out cold bloodedly looking for sex, regardless of your needs meeting ability.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted By: beautifulday
...He has absolutely no problem with full exposure. He has volunteered it. I'm the one who is hesitant. I am a "private person" by nature, and I think I would be hurt and traumatized further by letting all our friends and family know. I don't want to be the recipient or sorrowful looks or constant questions about how I am doing. I don't want my children to endure comments from their peers - kids can be really cruel,as we all know, and teens can be very sensitive. As I stated above, I do believe that we will tell them at some point in the future. While there is always collateral damage from an affair, I want to minimize it as much as possible.

I guess I'm looking for others who may have succeeded at recovery without full exposure. Again it is ME that doesn't want to do it, not my WS.
BD, maybe it'll serve you well to hear from a man who had an affair.

Exposure is a huge step toward accountability for him. Not to mention, emotional support for you. Why you'd deny him this accountability, at risk to your own marriage, is frankly beyond me. It's taking a huge risk that you don't need to take. Find some friends whom you both trust to have the best interest of your marriage at heart, and tell them.

Re: your husband's church role, first, I'm assuming you're Christians, from the use of the word "church" (forgive me if my assumption is mistaken), and I assume that your faith is sort of based on Scripture. I'd be curious to have you & your husband cite me chapter & verse re: where Scripture condones the coverup of sin & the perpetuation of an ongoing deceit? I was kind of going on that part from 1st Corinthians about how "[Godly] love delights in truth" & all that. I'm in no position to cast stones, and that's not my purpose here. You're the ones who'll have to decide whether faith just an affectation that you & he slip into for Sundays & youth group meetings, as a socially-pleasing ornament, for you to espouse & others to follow, or whether you want to see your husband live by it.

When I got into my affair, with a fellow member of our church's music team, you're darned right, letting the leadership know about it was the right thing to do. In my particular circumstances (including because the other woman was there and the whole place was a huge trigger), my being outta there was the right thing to do. (And I did, and I was. They didn't even hafta ask. They actually asked me to stay, though not on the music team, and my wife & I said "No way." ) If your husband's role is lower-profile than someone who sings up-front, then maybe, as you say, he'll be allowed to continue serving. If the OW (who I understand was not a member of your church) nevertheless someday decides to expose the affair herself, your husband will look a lot better in the eyes of the leadership for having been forthcoming than for having kept mum.

But the main thing I want to stress for you is not re: the church; that's almost a sideshow compared to the main issue, which is your failure to inform the other woman's spouse. It's not your fault (yet) for not understanding this, but this is very self-defeating on your part, and you need to understand better:

BD, you're in a fight to save your marriage. Right now & for awhile to come, the very greatest risk by far to your marriage is a resumption of your husband's affair with this particular woman. Perhaps your very greatest potential ally -- the closest possible set of eyes on her -- is her husband. Yet you are denying yourself this ally. And you've convinced yourself that this is wise?

And one of the greatest possible obstacles in your husband's mind is the knowledge that her husband is on alert, on-guard against a resumption of the affair. Yet you are denying your marriage this safeguard. And you've convinced yourself that this is wise?

Ma'am, you don't deserve to be in this situation, and nothing prepares you for this, but it remains to be pointed out that you're not thinking straight.

Y'know what was the main nail in the coffin for my affair? It was when the other woman's husband found her out. That meant he'd found me out. I ended it within hours of finding out that he knew. You may say, "But my husband has already ended it." Well & good, but you need to realize the addictive aspect of affairs, and how the absence of consequences, abetted by secrecy more than by anything else. Given this addictive aspect, you need to place as many obstacles as possible between your husband & a possible resumption of the affair, the same way someone contemplating the approach of an F4 tornado needs to get as many walls as possible between herself & the killer wind.

The other woman's husband may or may not be a friend to you, but he is not your enemy. Very, very few people will ever choose to put themselves in prison for the rest of their lives for the sake of a temporary vengeance. As has been suggested to you, the odds of this happening are extremely overblown. Secrecy, not transparency, is your very worst enemy.

BD, do you not realize? Lack of transparency is the very habit which enabled your husband to give his attention, his confidence and himself to another. This is the very habit that he must changed & eradicate. Your stance against this transparency is the most patently self-defeating stance you could possibly take, if your goal is to save your marriage & your family and to build a marriage that's better & more affair-proof than before (so that you'll not have to suffer this ever again).


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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I don't think it is right he continues to be so close to young people. Particularly if you two are lying.

Please don't tell me he is close to young women in this role?


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Thanks for the replies.
You've given me a lot to think about.


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