I keep reading posts from the "betrayers" and how hard it has been dealing with withdrawal from their lover.<P>My H says he is completely over her and has the only pain he feels from it is that it happened in the first place. <P>He never left to "decide what to do". He never expressed any desires to end the marriage. <P>I know he still felt for her for months afterward, but he insisted it was never longing for her, but guilt that he had hurt her. (He now admits that he probably never did hurt her and she was never emotionally into the relationship as he had been).<P>He says that is because I worked so hard so quickly to satisfy his needs that there was no need for her anymore.<P>Is this possible, or is he just trying to make me feel secure.<P>I guess his efforts to protect me are admirable.<P>He then will throw in a bombshell and say he still thinks she is attractive, but insists that doesn't mean anything.<P>How can he be so different and should this worry me that he is or atleast feels that he is.<P>One aspect that might me different from most is that he had ended it on his own a few months before I found out. It was, although the second time he had tried to stop, the first time didn't work and they started it up after months.<P>He had stopped seeing her intimately, but was still keeping close contact with her at work. The day after he told me he went straight to her at work and told her I knew and that they could not see each other anymore.

Hi Essyboo,<P>He might not have withdrawl. He did end it befor you found out so the affair may have ran its course. <P>Tony had a great number of women. Only one he saw for any length of time. She is the one who told me. How kind of her. Any way He might have had withdrawl from her because they did talk even after he was not suppose to. But it was no real love affair between Tony and Peaches (her nickname). So it was very easy for Tony to walk away. It might be the same for your H. <P>Your H still may find her attractive but that does not mean that he loves her. I would try to think of it as he came to his senses before you found out ended and then told you. My guess is he is working on your marriage.<P>I know it is hard but really try and be happy that he told you and not either catching them or finding out by the OW. Both are not that nice of ways to have discovery.

Essyboo -- First. Good job on the name change. Much less degrading to yourself.<P>Now, the short answer to your post is YES. While many here have had to deal with a betraying spouse who drags things on and on, there are those who don't. In my case, similar to yours, my W had ended her affair before I found out about. This didn't lessen the pain any, but not having to deal with an ongoing affair made the rebuilding much easier. Hang in there.<P>God Bless

Essyboo<BR> Thank you !! I wanted to know how hard is it to live with him after knowing that. Can you really pick up the pieces? <BR> I am also glad that your husband appears to be working on your marriage.

I guess the most important thing to remember is that good people do bad things.<P>e.g. King David was a man after God's own heart. He had an affair with Bathsheba and even had her Husband killed. You think the Betrayed on this forum have problems.<P>Sometimes good people even become bad people. <P>Okay, I'm not coming up with a Biblical example right off the bat, I'll get back with you. There are plenty of examples of this on the forum and all around us.<P>But even bad people can become good people.<P>e.g. Saul of Tarsus - Aposle Paul.<P>The point I'm trying philosophically to make is that change is the only constant. (Okay I had to throw in another Cutey)<P>My H was a good man, I wasn't wrong about that. He did something very bad and even became a bad man for a while. He knew it, but did it anyway.<P>He says he is trying to become a good man again. <P>All of these are possible and therefore believeable, and all of these things could happen to any of us.<p>[This message has been edited by Essyboo (edited November 06, 1999).]

I know what you mean...I am also worried that he gave up too easily. I keep obsessing that <BR>they will continue once the waters have calmed down. He also never came out completely clean with me...feeding me this lie that the relationship with OW stopped one year ago instead of at discovery...unfortunately, there is too much circumstantial evidence telling me they were<BR>having sex up to and until the time I raised hell with him and confronted her...she had no choice but to leave my husband's place of employment and find another job...she just left on Oct. 30th....however....my husband is in the beauty business....I told him to tell her to find another person to do her hair...I don't want her to have any contact with him...but I know that she will come in and maybe they will start again...I do not trust either one of them.......my husband is a liar<BR>and she is an untrustworthy slut......what else would you call a woman who knowingly has<BR>a very long affair with a married men with two teenage children....who's 17 year old daughter was simply devasted when she heard about her father and this slut.....we should all worry if the OP is given up too easly.....must wonder what's really up.....and must monitor the situation and account for their time.....show up at work....after hours.....I learned the hard way that late nights are excuses......it will never happen to me again.....I told him this is his last chance.....I will not allow another screw up on his part.....

I am in the same boat. My H said that he is not having problems not contacting her and that he is fine. I start to feel like he is just hiding it from me. He said he still thinks of her, but doesn't want to contact her. I guess I start to worry feeling like he is hiding his feelings. He told her he loved her...and has yet to tell me he loves me without sex involved. I hope that if he is going through withdrawl he will talk to me. That is the most I can do. And jus hope he is being honest about not contacting her. It would help if he would start working on our marriage.<P>------------------<BR>Jaded Heart<BR>____________<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>and if I shed a tear I won't cage it<BR>I won't fear love<BR>and if I feel a rage I won't deny it<BR>I won't fear love<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>"Fumbling Towards Ecstasy"<BR>Sarah Mclachlan<P>

I too feel like hey how could he just end it "just like that". If I hadn't found out would it have ever ended? I'll never know. But yeah, now that he supposedly (I say that because how can I believe and really ever know unless I talk to her which I really have no desire to do) broke it off, how does he just "stop" wanting her so abruptly? Also what really urks me is that they both work in the same office and he has to see her everyday and sometimes even has to go on job sites with her - call me paranoid but from what I've read, complete separation is a must and he can't stop having business dealings with her because of his position and the red flags would fly! (He is her superior). He has been super and really appears to be into this reconciliation thing but he has to be feeling something right?