Dr Harley would encourage you to expose.

All the more reason not to lie or pretend. It will be so odd if you do and it is patronising. People who are ill are still reasonable sensible people.

Sheppie,

Everyone here is right. I know you want to believe him right now, I was you 2 years ago, but they WILL resume the affair. First it will be just calling/texting to see how it's going and will seem innocent but it will escalate quickly to right back where you were and not setting up boundaries and extraordinary precautions will allow this to continue. My STBXH always told me it was me he loved.. but he would always go back to her because he would not, could not, did not want to.. stop going to meetings where she was present. He refused to think he couldn't just say no. They are "soul mates" ya know lol and if you're finding sexual texts, they ARE in a PA... I know, like I said I was you. He told me it was all just joking too but they were sleeping together when I found out. And the roller coaster he took me on because I was hesistant like you, had me have an emotional breakdown, I got pneumonia for the first time in my life and I lost almnost 30 lbs. Please listen to these fine folks, it may not make sense but they do know what they are talking about. Hugs Sheppie...

Oh and BTW Sheppie, I listened to his fog babble, I believed him.. I half heartedly took the MB advice and should have practiced it better... where I am today I hope you never get to.. He kept telling me he wanted to come back, every time I went dark he panicked.. the OW pushed and pushed and he finally filed divorce and moved in with her. Every time I demanded boundaries I was the bad guy. Everything I did to end their affair made me the bad guy.. I gave him a choice. Never give a wayward the control. Unless you want to be where I am.

When you go dark you should go so dark you have no idea if he is panicking or not. It's also a permanent state. You don't come out unless the A is done for good. So there should not be multiple occasions of going dark. One time. Get serious!

If you are peeking, it isn't Plan B.

I am taking time to think on all of this. Marriage c said today that best scenario is for him to leave. He is looking and so am I. But I stay at home. Money still needs to come in to live. I have said NC. He needs to assure me of NC. But I get what you are all saying....that it will be time and he will go back. I am in PTSD right now in terms of this. I cannot move as quick as you experienced ones. I need to take stock and see where I am going with this. I thank you all for your candor.

Sheppie, do consider ADs. Running sounded like a good plan but you sound really shell shocked and you need your brains about you. Don't let some clueless MC take the reins here.

If you are really struggling you need to go into Plan B and shut him out completely unless he will end his affair and adhere to all conditions.

Sheppie, we are not offering you our personal "experience" we are offering you the tried and true PLAN offered by Dr Bill Harley, the clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders. We saved our marriages using these steps and we are offering you the same thing. We understand you are in shock, but that shock will greatly lessen if you will follow this plan. You are floundering around without a plan and are doomed for failure. We see you sitting on the train tracks with a train headed your way.

Won't you follow this plan? The MC has not the slightest idea how to save your marriage.