I recently admitted an affair to my husband - a one time sexual experience with an ex-lover that occurred many years ago. He was very angry at me and left the house. He came back later and was still angry with me, but later on in the evening he told me that he still loved me, was overcome with desire for me, and we had sex. He is very confused as to why this happened, though he says he didn't regret it and would have done it again.

Has this happened to anyone else on this forum? And if so, why do you think it happened? Is it normal? Any opinions are welcome.

It's known as hysterical bonding. Common after affairs when neither person wants to break up. It's a way of reclaiming each other and is a common reaction to the shock of discovery. Instinctive, really.

Can you tell us about the A, how it ended and what measures you have put in place to reassure and heal your H? have you exposed?

Unless you two follow an exact plan, you will run into difficulties so I strongly urge you to follow the MB plan for recovery.

I was going through a really difficult time - my best friend committed suicide, my birth father came back into my life unexpectedly and I was having horrible panic attacks. I tried to reach out to my H but he was emotionally unavailable to me. I met up with my friends one night and ended up having sex with an ex-lover. It was a one-time deal. I broke off all contact with him and that particular set of friends. This was 11 years ago.

Recently I entered into another affair of the emotional kind - no physical contact. It was stopped before anything happened. In dealing with this issue I eventually told my H about the first affair though I had serious problems telling him everything. I have now. I had tried to talk to my husband prior as things were happening but I was met with deaf ears once again. There were a number of other personal stressors I was dealing with, which has led me to realize that under extreme stress I need full support from my husband and I need to be extremely honest with him about everything in order to ensure I avoid any further situations like this.

We are seeing a therapist, talking constantly, having intimate contact every day and trying to work through our issues. We've agreed that I will tell him up front if I am thinking about having an affair, and he has promised to work on some issues that are very important to me in our marriage. Right now the whole thing has been over a span of two months so things are still raw. We're doing the best that we can. I've just recently started reading MB and am strongly considering that we follow it so we can heal.

My wife had an affair for two years and told me a month ago tomorrow and we had sex 3 times since then...

You also need to eliminate opposite sex friends. It is all too easy to turn to opposite sex friends for emotional needs that should only be met in marriage.

I expect you were unwisely confiding your personal problems in these friends, am I right? Of course you developed feelings in those conditions. You must make sure that never happens again.

I applaud this plan for more honesty but if you only do so AFTER you start to develop feelings for another friend, it is too late.

Therapists tend not to have a set plan for recovery. They tend to operate a very simple talking shop where there is no plan except dredging up irrelevant issues. If your therapist has not picked up on the opposite sex friend problem, this is yet another amateur such as we hear of every day on these forums.

Do you know of Dr H's affair plan? How much of it have you done?

Who have you exposed the A to?

When I exposed my wife's affair we not only had sex that night but it continued into a week. Almost every night that we broke down and cried it seemed we had sex as well.

Ajp,

Have you told the BW, betrayed wives, of your two affair partners?

An important point is that the affairs did not occur because of external factors, you chose to have this affair, whatever you do, do not push blame onto your BH. Your BH is responsible for half of the state of your marriage however.

God Bless
Gamma

Hi ajp, welcome to Marriage Builders. The reason for your affairs is not your marriage, but your poor boundaries around men. Your husband could be meeting your needs 100% but you would still have affairs if your lovebank is open for business. That is the first issue that must be addressed. Sure, the conditions in your marriage made an affair more tempting, but the REASON you had the affairs is because you do not have appropriate boundaries around men.

What is being done to affair proof your marriage and protect your husband from yet another affair?

My wife has been having an affair for the last year. It started as emotional affair but my wife told me right after they had had sex. She and I had sex a couple days after that and many times since then in the last six months. The affair was still going and picked up steam over the last few weeks before I exposed the affair three weeks ago.

You make a flawed distinction: Affairs are all of a piece, resulting from the same core issues: selfishness unleavened by defense of proper boundaries around people of the opposite sex to protect a marriage. Emotional & physical affairs are better thought of as being at different points on the same spectrum, and very often, one leads seamlessley into the other. Many emotional affairs are simply physical affairs-in-waiting. My point? That you need to guard your marriage as zealously against one as against the other. Where did you get the idea that it's even OK to keep in contact with ex-lovers?

How would you get that across to him without it sounding like extortion? Like, "Change or I'll cheat on you."

Surviving An Affair is the book that may well have saved my marriage. Do more than consider.

I would like to apologize to ajp14 and all the posters who posted on her new thread the past 2 days.

We are trying to find the posts, so please help ajp14 on her original thread.

Hi ajp14,

I was able to read some of the last posts before they disappeared.

You still work with OM, correct?
Is OM married?
Why can't you leave your job?
Your BH's Dday was 11-2013? Is this correct?
Were either OM or you a superior of the other at your job?
How often do you see OM at your job?

Was the affair ever exposed at work?

I find it unusual that neither affair partner/co-worker would leave the job if most people in the workplace knew about the affair.

AM

No it was never exposed at her work. Ajp14 wants to leave her job, but her BH wants OM to have to leave.

I recall from the other posts Ajp's H wants the OM to leave his job. Why would OM want to? There is no incentive for OM to leave his job. No one knows he has had an affair with a married woman.

In our case, H left his job about 90 days after D-day. When he contacted OW 16 months later, she complained about how she was ostracized at work (oh, no!!!). A few months later, she took a different assignment. People in a workplace typically have a low tolerance to other married people having affairs. I think both of them should change jobs.

AM

To answer questions...

OM directly reports to me, which is an ongoing issue because I see him everyday. We have stopped our inappropriate relationship, and don't speak unless we have to, though at work that can make things difficult. I limit our conversations as much as possible and use email primarily to discuss work issues.

OM has a fiancee and a child with her.

I can't just quit my job because we need my income, but I am interviewing and have two solid opportunities outside of the company.

And yes, BH wants OM to be the one to leave the company, not me.

So, you had an affair with a subordinate and your BH thinks OM should leave the job?? I think you are lucky that there haven't been legal ramifications for you yet and your BH needs to know that you must leave that job immediately, before you are fired.

Your marriage has no hope as long as this continues.

No and not only is it delaying recovery, it is delaying the inevitable workplace fall out.

One of the hardest things for a BS to accept is that when their WS pays the price at work so do they!

An affair is like a fire. It ruins pretty much everything. It ruins the reputation, it ruins the security of your job. There are very few things it does not touch and most people have to move hundreds of miles to escape the fall out. That's the horrible truth. Even if you did stay in that workplace, it will always be the place where it happened. In your case it's somewhere you face legal penalties or dismissal if your actions come to light, anyway.

But so often, we see BS's try to keep their spouse's job, or the house or something else that has been irrevocably ruined. It might not look fire-damaged - but it stinks.

I'd make it clear to your H that you need to find another job because you did something that you could be sued for, and dismissed. The poor man's fianc� also needs to know as soon as possible. If your H wants job security you must make it clear that the security at this job is gone and you will need to get it for him somewhere else.

Do you have any savings, or is there anything personal like a car you can sell to pay the bills for a while so you can quit?

One of the reasons Dr Harley advocates the WS quit is because a)Their marriage far outweighs a job and b) it is harder to get a new job if you stick around long enough that you get yourself fired.

That said, he encourages BS's to expose and get the WS fired if they don't quit.