The idea is that it should be a good program, one that works.

Right now it appears that you want to handle your resentment by punishing your wife. This won't work, no matter what program it's in.

I'd be curious to see what this other program recommends about resentment. I think you should post it.

My dad divorced my wayward mother. He made an honorable choice. He did not do what you are doing about resentment. I don't remember him ever once talking like you are talking, although he certainly hurt terribly (I remember him waking up in the middle of the night wailing and crying).

Today he is very healthy, as am I.

Taking your resentment out on your wife will not help you recover at all.

We want you to recover and I believe everyone here respects your right to divorce your wife. But punishing her is a terrible choice. Citing what she has done to you as an excuse to do things back to her is only going to help you wreck your life.

What does it matter who detonates the nuclear bomb? In the end, you're all dead.

MM, you are basically having one big massive angry outburst in posting here.

I see little hope for any sort of recovery for you as long as you act like this. You are headed for a life of pure misery, ruled only by your emotions, with an inability to use reason to build a life that makes you happy.

I feel for you - the recovery process for betrayed husbands SUCKS. In my case, my wife wasn't even willing to work the program, until she had fallen back in love with me. And she was extremely disrespectful and abusive to me.

But I was stuck in that same situation: would I throw my six children to the wolves? And probably miss the best chance I had at future happiness?

When I found I couldn't go further, I got on antidepressants, and found that I could keep going. And we recovered.

We will all support you if you want to choose divorce.

We will not support you in abusing your wife. Just because you are pissed off does not mean you have to act abusive. When your children piss you off, are you going to abuse them as well?

Your real problem is your anger. You believe that other people can make you angry. It makes it impossible to recover your marriage, it will make it impossible to have a good marriage with someone else. It is dangerous for your children, and ultimately it will lead to it being impossible to have a lifestyle that brings you happiness.

I'm reviewing some of the things we previously posted to you about anger management. It looks like you've left all that by the wayside.

Married or not, a desire to blow of steam at people when you feel frustrated is dangerous:

Your wife's affairs and the things she said and did in her affairs are not the reason that you are angry. That BS doesn't fly here.

Nothing your wife can do is the cure for your anger and resentment. No other program can prescribe her to do something that will fix this for you.

I must have missed this. You blew off everything we had to say about anger, with the excuse that we who aren't newbies can't understand how you feel. What you wanted was commiseration, rather than a recovery plan that works.

End result: no recovery.

You are coming across very angry. You are arguing points I've already made: I realize I was punishing my wife, and even wanted to. I don't want to be that type of person anymore. It's gross. I think I made it clear before your 12-post rant.

I've already been cited for posting non-MB advice so I'll turn down the request. But, it doesn't allow the BS to "wallow" in resentment. It does expect the WS to aknowlege the elephant in the room of resentment and apologize frequently within the first two years as a matter of validating feelings of the BS that were distorted by months or years of gaslighting. It's supposed to encourage feeling safe in the marriage. I don't know.

MM,

Sorry if I missed it, but is your WW not meeting your need for sex, or meeting it as a matter of obligation, or without any desire on WW part?

God Bless
Gamma

Great.


That sounds like the psychological approach known as flooding. Flooding is a good approach for overcoming some traumas. But in the case of affairs, it usually only serves to make the resentment last and last.

Prisca did a lot of disrespectful and abusive things to me. She does not apologize for it on a regular basis, though, and I don't apologize to her regularly for my abuse, either. Last week I was triggered into memories of her affair. She didn't even know, because I did not tell her! We have a very happy life and I don't feel any resentment at all.

This will keep the affair on the front burner and is doomed to fail. Your resentment will not fade, and her resentment over being forced to dwell on mistakes of the past will grow. This IS wallowing.

Your wife is right in refusing to go down that road.

You are not the expert and telling me what my real problem is. What if I told you I drink a fifth of alcohol every two days. I never said I didn't. Would alcoholism be my problem? DW thinks that's a real possibility. Dr. Harley thinks I'm suffering from obsessive thinking and need therapy/AD. Is that the real problem? That's where my money is.

I didn't leave anger management by the wayside. I'm working it. Not perfected it...but working it. And I could be wrong, but I think the one recieving the treatment gets to call the Lovebuster. My wife clearly states it is DJ not AO. She continues to call me out when I'm do it, but mostly I know when that is.

Apologies aren't necessary, though. Wouldn't you rather have actions in the form of EPs and meeting each others ENs, and avoiding love busters, working the POJA, than a bunch of "I'm so sorry" 's?

My H apologized numerous times after his first affair. He even declared that the one thing he learned is that the "grass isn't greener." Blah, blah, blah. No EPs, no ENs, continued LBs. The apologies turned out to be a waste of breath.

The apologies the second time around also meant absolutely nothing to me. What I wanted was action. In the end, he became a new man, so to speak. He was remorseful, but I saw it in his actions and not his apologies.

And really, there are no numbers of apologies that will make this up to you or to any BS anyway. The only way to recover from adultery is a new BETTER marriage with new habits. A marriage that is passionate, romantic, and safe.

Or, of course, divorce is a viable option. However, even with divorce, I have seen terribly bitter people who kept talking about the adultery in their marriage even years later.

Even with egregious actions other than adultery, the best way to leave the resentment behind is to stop talking about it. Talking about the problem brings it into the present, no matter what that problem is.

Thanks Gamma,

She's doing really good with those needs. Very willing and very enjoyable. When there is a problem, it's always me and it's rare. But when there is, it's HUGE to me, and it seems to be realted to "position" (not always, but mostly). Complete smack to the face. No matter how high we are flying, the plane crashes. It's like Russian Roulette. Nine times out of ten its heavenly...but that one time, not so much.

What are you going to do differently, then?

You're right. I'd be that guy.

Sure. I've never suggested talking about it is a great idea. I'm trying to stop thinking about it. That, LWFH, is in the present.

Not justifying, just explaining: All that crappy resentment I DO suck down and keep to myself, and continue to meet EN and avaid LB. Those I can hide. Then...I get triggered during SF (generally position related and passionate kissing) and there's no hiding the result. I'm embarrased, she's shell shocked. Somebody better say something. I would like for her to say anything. Maybe, "I'm sorry kissing is still difficult for you" or ANYTHING to take at least some ownership of my very obvious "defect". But nothing...just me and my sad excuse for masculity. Then the bad stuff happens (or, better yet...I do bad stuff). All that resentment I've packed in comes flooding out in the form of some pretty nasty DJs.

I'm trying to find the best place to break that cycle. Either I find a way to eliminate resentment, become perfect at not reacting to it, or not engage in the trigger activity (SF). I've been aiming for the third option because it's easy NOT to do something. But it makes for a pretty crappy M which is why I think plan D makes the most sense in the long run(and protects her from DJs and emotional abuse). This is why I'm avoiding her as much as I can and why I'm living in the basement.

My interpretation of Dr. Harley's advice is that it's not resentment per se, but obsessive thinking, which can be helped by appropriate therapy and AD meds.

Here's an aside, in response to Dr. Harley's comment that making an emotional decision would lead to a life of unhappiness:

My wife and I have a saying that we took from the "The Phantom Menace" where Anakin Skywalker asks his mother what he should do (in regard to leaving home). She asks, "What does your heart tell you?" I take it to mean that he should go with the emotional descision.

When I'm approached by life altering decisions, DW always asked me that, and she UNQUESTIONABLY trusted the answer my heart gave. It's actually worked WONDERFULLY so far.

It worked for Anakin too...For a while at least.