Justthe3ofus, we are responding to your post that DID place the blame on her husband when you said:
Maybe it wasn't your intent to blame her husband, but I know from long experience that a wayward will take and run with a statement like that because it does sound like you are blaming her husband. It is one of the reasons Dr Harley DOES NOT recommend HNHN to waywards. I accept and believe you when you say that was not your intent, but it did come across that way.

Have you written and given your BH your list of EPs?

BrainHurts,

Today I spoke to my husband and told him I am taking precautions to protect our marriage and avoid any further failures on my part. I told him I have deleted everything off my phone. I went to iTunes and deleted all apps there too. I will be changing my phone number today. Once again, I told him about MB and my goal to follow recommendations to rebuild. I had asked him for one thing, and that is to change the iTunes password on our account so I have no access.

Obviously, my husband told me not to even try to rebuild our marriage as it is too late. I am devastated. I understand that this is what I have caused and it is his decision. I don't want a divorce, I really want my family together.

Thank you for your continued guidance.

MelodyLane,

I completely agree with you. At one point in my life I did put the blame on my husband not realizing what kind of psychological damage I was creating. The wounds became deeper than I would have ever imagined possible.

I now understand and know for sure my husband had nothing to do with my wayward ways. I blame myself daily for the choices I have made. My husband is a wonderful man, one I cannot lose in my life. I failed to see the person he creates in me. We are a good team and I keep messing up.

I have ordered the "Surviving an Affair" book yesterday. I had asked my husband to allow me to part-take in discussions on here to help me find the right way to fix myself. I want nothing more than to be a better person for him....of course, only if he chooses to hold on to me.

Justthe3ofus,

I don't have male friends, never did. I work in a predominantly female environment. I have never been involved or wrapped myself up with anyone close to me. You are right, I have to say that the computer and world full of technology allowed to ruin my marriage. I actively sought out conversation but what I find myself doing most is looking for the acknowledgement of success from strangers, even though I have the world under my nose with my husband. I desperately want to break this cycle. I am taking whatever EP I can at this time.

Do you think one of us has to leave the house to rebuild the marriage? Can we work through this under the same roof. I don't want him to leave. He has moved out of our bedroom.

MelodyLane,

I ordered both Lovebank book and Surviving the Affair. While I wait for their arrival, what other boundaries do you recommend that I should be putting in place immediately?

I have deleted my google account, I deleted all apps associated with it, I had asked my husband to change the iTunes password to prevent me from re-installing the apps on my phone. I will be changing my phone number today.

I don't have male friends, I don't spend any time with males alone. At work I work with all females. During my days off I am at home.

V_planifolia,

Thank you for your input. I agree completely with what you have said. I want my actions to prove to my husband that he is all I want in my life. Yes, this is probably selfish because everything I have tried in the past has only led me to more failures.

So this is why I am here, I seek advice from those who have been betrayed who can tell me how my husband thinks at the time of his worst pain. I want to take steps I have not taken before to end his pain once and for all and to be a good wife to a man who deserves nothing less. I don't want to make the same mistakes, I'm tired of living my life watching my husband suffer. I can only hope that he believes in saving our marriage just as much as I do.

Annar,

re: "Do you think one of us has to leave the house to rebuild the marriage? Can we work through this under the same roof. I don't want him to leave. He has moved out of our bedroom."

Any hope you have is for your husband to see a change in you and for that change to become permanent, whether your are under the same roof or separated. It will take a lot of time for you to earn his trust (if you are able to), and you will have to be willing to accept that he doesn't trust you and be open to him checking your every move and your online/computer activities. Actually, Dr. Harley doesn't recommend spouses having blind trust for each other. Open trust is fertile ground for an affair.

Its good that you ordered Surviving an Affair. Follow the plan laid out in it carefully. If your husband changes his mind and decides to work with you on recovery, read the book together. It will be a tremendous help.

If he doesn't agree, still read the book and do your part to reform and follow Dr. Harley's principles regardless. You won't be sorry.

Annar must stop conversing with men and put up high barriers, and it sounds like her husband needs to learn to meet her needs, though annar has only made one hint that they aren't being met. Two things can be equally true. These ideas are not mutually exclusive, and they don't take Annar off the hook.



Justthe3ofus,

I take complete accountability for my actions. I have made the mistake of blaming my husband for my affair in the past. I don't ever want him to feel that my choices are his fault. I have expressed this to him today. He still thinks we should get divorced so that I "can continue getting the attention you need" I want to fix me and my marriage, I don't want a divorce. But as many of you have already mentioned, it is not up to me.

Annar,

Did you get tested for STDs after you physical affair?

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma,

re: Did you get tested for STDs after you physical affair?

I had a physical affair in 2009. I have been repeatedly tested since and never tested positive for anything. Thank you for the concern.

After reviewing the Basic Concepts, I have a question regarding the Emotional Needs Questionnaire. Would this be an appropriate time to ask my BH to fill one out? I suspect he will refuse to participate. Do I fill one out and leave for him to review? Without him becoming familiar when the Basic Concepts, am I being too hopeful in attempting to rebuild his trust in me?

I was listening to MB Radio tonight, the topic of 15 hours/week of undivided attention to each other was brought up. In my situation, where I am desperately attempting to keep my husband by my side after my betrayal, is this something that should be attempted now? Should I not focus on anything else but setting up boundaries and completing all EP's? I feel like I want to try everything, but not overwhelm my BH. Do I approach this aggressively or be cautious? How do I know he's recognizing all that I'm doing?

Annar,

All couples should spend ample undivided attention time together.But it is especially important to strictly meet the minimum requirement of 15 hours when in recovery. You are not in recovery yet.

re: "I feel like I want to try everything, but not overwhelm my BH. Do I approach this aggressively or be cautious? How do I know he's recognizing all that I'm doing?"

The only thing he can recognize right now is that you have betrayed him multiple times. He is very angry right now, and doesn't want to have to experience this pain, humiliation, and anger again. Having said that, your actions over a sustained block of time will be an indication that you have changed. A days worth of reading ain't gonna convince him. Capiche?

I suggest you write him a love letter. Express how much you love him, how sorry you are, how wrong you were to hurt him, and that you are committed to changes that will affair proof your marriage and make the two of you fall in love and stay in love.
Share some of the things you have learned and invite him to join you in learning these new ideas.

Before sending him the letter post it here so we can give you some suggestions for revision.

In the meantime, try and calm yourself. And as a priest said to me once, "Be humble." Let him see in you a genuinely remorseful, repentant, and humble person.

Remember: "Your actions speak so loudly, I can't hear a word you're saying."

Annar, how are you today? I ask because I know how difficult this must be for you.

Please do give up all this talk of recovery - you've offered it, leave it at that. It simply isn't your call and will be highly irritating to your husband. After such a lengthy false recovery he will be in no mood to talk about any of this. He doesn't want it. He doesn't want 15 hours UA time. He doesn't want to fill out questionnaires.

He is in great pain and is living minute by minute. You need to respond to what he wants and not talk about what you want.

If I were you I would stop talking entirely about what you want and how you feel and start listening to him instead.



No she left for her affair. She never left to tackle his lack of needs meeting; that would have been fine and would have solved the problem. A problem entirely unrelated to the decision to have an A. She also never gave up the needs Jon did meet. She chose to have two men meet her needs.

Besides which, though Jon refused to meet some needs in SAA, none of that applies in this case. Annar's H stopped meeting needs following the first A as a result of depression and blameshifting regarding his needs meeting ability. The last thing needed now is any more talk of how he needs to meet Annar's needs. That is irrelevant to the problem at hand.



I see a grain of hope in this sentence. He expects you to have poor boundaries and date a lot and surf the net while separated. He thinks that you cannot have high boundaries on your own without anyone meeting your needs.

Of course, you can if you chose to. I was separated or a year and never let any man meet my needs in that time period. I gained a lot of respect for refusing to date while still married. We can give you guidance on how to do that here if you choose to.

This is something you could chose to demonstrate to him over time. He may see that and may then respond to you as someone more in control.

It is something that would be good for you in any case. If you date any of these people you are conversing with it would be a personal disaster for you. They are unlikely to have much to offer.

High boundaries would keep you safe from bad choices and would also demonstrate something trustworthy for your H to see. Then the choice would be his.

Thank you Indiegirl and Justthe3ofus.

I am mentally and physically exhausted today. Every part of my body aches. I have not eaten or slept for the last 3 days. I know this doesn't compare to what my husband's feeling.

We had a long discussion last night, lots of tears. I have to accept his choice to move forward with divorce. I will write him the letter Justthe3ofus suggested. I have no other options.

The words keep replaying in my head from last night when my husband said "I need time to stop hating you....I need time to stop hating myself" those words right there broke me just as I broke my husband.

I'm sorry Annar.

If you do take up Jt3oU's suggestion, perhaps also mention you accept his need to do whatever he has to do for himself. I would also inform him that even if you separate you intend to shun opposite sex friendships and contact/trolling of all kinds out of respect for your still-binding vows. I'd tell him this is not for him, but for you, as you feel the need to change for your own sake.

This takes away any pressure on him to do what you want, before you make the changes. First make the changes without any expectations on him.

As a way of demonstrating acceptance of his right to choose, and acceptance of your responsibility, I would suggest that you offer to be the one who moves.

This would apply whether it is moving to the spare bedroom or moving to another residence.

ItCanGetBetter,

How come moving out seems like giving up on my part? Why do I feel that running off is an indication of continued interest in another party, which, by all means I have none.

I know the choice is his. I know I'm in the wrong, but in my eyes, a person not willing to work through a disaster is only taking the easy way out. Moving out is an easy way out, on my part.

I'm not gonna leave, I'm not a coward. I love love my husband. I got wrapped up in conversation for 1 week, never spoke to the person, never seen the person, never did anything with the person. I have a hard time jumping to divorce for that. I know I have done wrong, I shouldn't be socializing, but for Christ's sake, I haven't done anything like what I'm reading other people doing.
I'm really getting discouraged.