Annar,

I don't think it's so much what you did now, but that as a couple you never recovered from 2009, and that from 2009 til now you have continued to lie by omission. Deep down your BH knew it which is why he never treated you the same so this latest small lie was just a trigger on a larger powder keg.

It's said that in infidelity the lies hurt worse than the sex.

Why did you tell the person you were chatting with that you were divorced?

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma,

Re: Why did you tell the person you were chatting with that you were divorced?

To be honest, I don't know why I just wasn't honest with myself and with the other person. Who in the right mind would want to talk to a married woman in the first place. Trying to answer your question makes me realize how horrible my actions have been. There was really no point in "pretending" to be divorced.

I hope you ARE able to stay. The point of making the offer is to validate his right to choose.

There was absolutely a point in saying you were divorced. You knew that the chances of being complimented and getting attention are slim when you are "taken". Oh, I know that it is like a turn-down when you tell an interested man, who is being extra nice to you that you are married. You might as well say: quit talking to me.

But that is just the point. You have to stay away from situations where people come on to you. That is why people wear wedding rings to signal their inavailability and why you should keep away from situations where you might be tempted.

If you crave for admiration and attention, you have to be honest with yourself. To say you do not know why you told him you were married is not credible. You did not tell him because it did not fit your intentions.

In the bubble of secrecy, pretty much anything is possible. We are all capable of a lot of crazy stuff in that bubble. That's why radical honesty is so important. It may be worth offering your BH a polygraph if you haven't already. The lies and secrecy do hurt worse than the sex, or the seeking, I think most BSs agree with that.



I would really try to tweak your perspective a bit here. You would need to have been betrayed yourself to understand this. To the uninitiated, it is not an affair unless something physical has been 'done'. If you have been betrayed however, you know that it really starts the first time your spouse tells you a lie or hides something so they can pursue attention from somebody else. That is a very unsettling feeling. Kind of like being in the house with a stranger who is willing to hurt you.

I never really cared about what WH and OW did together physically as much as I cared about the lies. The flashbacks/imaginings of their physical acts were bad, but short lived. It was the lying that haunted me. For months afterward I was still unravelling old conversations in my mind, looking for what had been true and what had been false.

I was burgled shortly after my betrayal and having strangers in my home was far, far less traumatic than realising I was married to a stranger who had lied to me in my home.

It is not impossible to come back from, or recover from though. either personally or as a couple.



Discouraged about what?

About the marriage prospects? You don't need to be encouraged there. It isn't your call. But you can control your behaviour, your actions and decide who you want to be from now on. That is the most likely thing to appeal to your BH, but it's also your best shot at happiness no matter what he decides. Accept the things you cannot change, change the things you cannot accept.

When you told the guy online that you were divorced, you might as well told your husband that he is dead, because that's how he felt when he found out. He was dead to you in his eyes.

Annar,

There is another side to this, and that is that by leaving your marriage in a bad state since 2009 you left yourself in need of love and approval. This created an unmet need.

This is not uncommon as most marriages with affairs are left crippled by the affair and without honesty about the affair the couple will be unable to meet each others needs.

The unmet need alone does not create an affair however, as it was your poor boundaries with men, that provided the opportunity.

The good news is that you might now be able to come clean with your BH at some time in the hopefully near future, and proceed with a new marriage built on honesty.

God Bless
Gamma

Well put, Gamma. I believe there is still hope here, but Annar has to be committed to radical honesty and the extraordinary precautions that are necessary to make her husband feel safe.

Justthe3ofus,



Re: I suggest you write him a love letter. Express how much you love him, how sorry you are, how wrong you were to hurt him, and that you are committed to changes that will affair proof your marriage and make the two of you fall in love and stay in love.
Share some of the things you have learned and invite him to join you in learning these new ideas.

Before sending him the letter post it here so we can give you some suggestions for revision.

Here is what I have written. I appreciate all of your input in this. Please let me know what revisions I should make.


Dear XXXX,

I came across a card you have given me two years back for Mother's Day, it brought warmth, comfort and feelings of pure love when I read it. It was at this time that I realized that it has been years since I have written you a letter expressing my true feelings, thoughts and hopes for our future. You have always been good at holding on to our little exchanges from years ago. Seeing a little box full of letters and cards always brings a smile to my face. But at the same time, my heart aches realizing how distant those written words feel, and so I hope that with this letter I can express to you the sincere love I feel for you, the remorse of my actions that overtake my life, and the hope to have the chance to find the love in each other that lies in the words we have exchanged.

Reflecting back, our paths in life have crossed for the sole purpose of love like no other. My love for you is as strong right now as it was sixteen years ago. I can look into your eyes and see the same hopes and dreams as I did when I first met you. Together, we have been able to achieve many of those dreams, share the love we had for each other with our two beautiful kids, and grow in ways I never thought possible. XXXX, you are my world, my support, the foundation to everything that I have accomplished over the years. You are the reason my eyes search for you across the room, the reason my heart skips a beat and the reason I am able to smile. I have always admired the strength in you, the determination, level-headedness, passion for what you do, and most importantly, the husband and father that you became. No words in this letter can express the love I feel for you.

With all the love I have for you, I managed to fail you. I took what's so sacred, pure and like no other and I shattered it. For that, I am deeply sorry. I am ashamed and repulsed by my actions. I am overwhelmed by the pain I have caused you. I was not able to keep the promise I made to you as you took my hand in marriage, and for that I will never forgive myself. You, out of all the people, know more about me and my family, my childhood, my beliefs. And all I did was follow what I have opposed. I want to thank you for staying by my side despite all that I have done. I know you are in pain, I know you have not healed and I know I keep ripping off the bandaids and exposing the wounds. Again, I am deeply sorry. I want to be the wife that you deserve, I want to be the same woman you fell in love with, and I want to help you heal. I want you to feel safe in my arms and know that you can count on me. I have your mom's words she left for us on our wedding day echoing in my ears "always look out for each other", I want to go back to that moment and stay there forever.

I realize I have not taken the right steps to lead our marriage in the right direction. I want you to know, that I am learning. I want to make all the right decisions to help us see the future of our lives. I hope that the future can hold our lives together, allow our love to thrive and flourish, and once again become the unbreakable bond we once had. I am willing to go to extraordinary measures to protect what we have and promise you to never lose sight of you. I ask for your forgiveness as you make your decision of what you'd like for your future. I hope it includes me by your side, building a marriage that is honest, ture and full of love.

With all my heart, forever yours.

XXX

I want to also include an update from last few days. As I have mentioned, things have been quite rough. I will be honest and say I have never experienced the pain I am feeling now.

My husband and I have many discussions recently, most very heated, the emotional roller-coaster has been unbearable. He's very closed in, not willing to truly express what's bottled up inside. Two days ago, he did express some of his pain, his concerns and his broken hopes. They left me speechless. To hear that he recently thought of putting on his wedding ring once again made the earth fall from under my feet. To think that he started to slowly come around only for me to turn around and make it even worse.

I'm not sure if he sees all the pain I'm going through, but it comforts me to see him acting a little warmer towards me. He spends time talking to me after the kids have gone to bed. He doesn't push me away when I try to give him a hug. Even if short lived, those moments mean the world to me.

I have told him about all the steps I have taken so far to protect our marriage and the plans I hope to share with him. I told him I am awaiting the arrival of SAA book.

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time to comment, allowing me a perspective I might have failed to recognize. I appreciate all of your input and hope to have your continued support and advice.

you're still pretty foggy imo. the letter is a lot of me, me, me. i feel this. i'm so upset. i'm destroyed.

that's pretty offensive to a betrayed spouse. (i'm a former wayward btw).

i hope you're not using YOUR PAIN to make him turn back to you. it happens and if you don't snap out of it to really see him and address his needs now, his resentment of you is going to go off the charts down the road.

this looks manipulative to me and not like a real letter to address the destruction you caused.

zibbles,

stating I effed up and I'm sorry, I respect your decision to move on and don't let my remorse hold you back should finalize my letter?? Jt3ou recommended a love letter from me. Maybe I'm taking it the wrong way, but I have expressed MY feelings because it is coming from ME. My husband is not expressing much to me, he never has. I don't know how else to word my acknowledgemet of his pain.

You seem to be familiar with it, what is your recommendation?

Have you seen this?
TrueHeart's Letter

Thank you for sharing, BrainHurts. This was a very helpful read.

Gucio,

One thing you may be missing is that recovery takes at least two years minimum from the time when everything has been disclosed. Any new lies or lies discovered from the past and you start over again.

This last incident set your recovery clock back to zero but at lest it may be counting up now.

You really need to practice radical honesty, don't lie about anything, even non-sexual things, if you spent 100 on a pair of shoes at a good shop don't tell him you spent 50 at Walmart.

God Bless
Gamma

gucio,

My recommended changes:


Dear XXXX,

I came across a card you gave me two years ago for Mother's Day, and it evoked such strong feelings of warmth, comfort and love. It was at this time that I realized that it has been years since I have written you a letter expressing my true feelings, thoughts and hopes for our future. You have always been good at holding on to our little exchanges from years ago. Seeing your little box full of letters and cards always brings a smile to my face. But at the same time, my heart aches realizing how I have taken steps to ruin such a loving relationship. And with that, I write you yet another letter for your box. I hope that with this letter I can express to you the love I feel for you, my remorse for betraying you, and my plan for making sure it doesn't happen again.

My love for you is as strong right now as it was sixteen years ago. Together, we have been able to achieve our dreams, share the love we had for each other with our two beautiful kids, and grow in ways I never thought possible. XXXX, you are my world, my support, my foundation. I have always admired the strength in you, the determination, levelheadedness, passion for what you do, and most importantly, the husband and father that you became. My words fail to adequately express my love for you.

And still I failed you. I took what is sacred and pure and shattered it. For that, I am deeply sorry and ashamed. The pain I have caused you not once but multiple times cannot be excused. Though I may not deserve it, my hope is that I will have the chance to offer you just compensation for my actions. I want to be the wife that you deserve, who makes you happy, and makes you feel safe.

I ask you for the chance to embark with me on a journey down a new road. I vow to protect you by taking extraordinary precautions and being transparent. I will put our relationship first, and put an end to the behaviors and lifestyle that led me astray. I will no longer spend recreational time on my computer or engage in any other activities where other men can vie for my attention. I will forsake all others for you.

I hope that you will take my hand and walk with me down this new path. I desire to rebuild our marriage with honesty, truth, and love.

My love,
XXX

Thank you, Justthe3ofus. Your help is greatly appreciated.

Had a good night again last night. Made pizza with my husband. He's been warm, more open. Although he slept in another room, I feel hopeful. This morning he offered for us to make something new together, we ended up making crapes. I will leave my letter to him today.

I also received the book in the mail. I told him about the Love Bank, Love Deposits and Withdrawals. Probably not a good time to be discussing it, but I want him to know the things I'm learning.

Thank you, Gamma, for all your advice. I know I'm starting back from zero, but each day that passes with my husband by my side is an achievement like no other.

Gucio,

Gamma's advice about radical honesty is very important. When a spouse betrays another the lies and secretiveness are about as hurtful as the act of you giving your heart and body to someone else. And because your history, every lie will incense your husband and make love bank withdrawals of increasingly great proportions. He has probably reached the point of zero tolerance so you have to make that change now, and it has to be permanent. No more tokens left for you.

Though things are going better, remember he will need time, and his resentment will last a very long time. Here is what Dr. Harley says about resentment:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html