Military life is, for many married folks, a complement to their marriage. I thought is was to mine.

Aside from the horror of hearing my own voice muffled by a cold and what must have been a bad setting on a brand new phone, I think the call was helpful. I�m still sorting through what we talked about including some concepts that I really didn�t like hearing.

In particular, he said that most of what she said in the �fog� was actually TRUE. Up until yesterday, I felt reassured by the fact that it was some alien using my wife�s body spouting nonsense during the fog to justify her affair and treatment of me. Now, am I to understand it was really her all along and those horrible things she said were her true feelings? I�m figuring out what this means. On the one hand, it means I have all the answers as to the marriage she wants�a good thing indeed. But I would have rather had those answers without dealing with the pain of infidelity. This is exactly where I get the feeling she had the affair on purpose�just to show me she was serious�like Dr. Harley said �she was setting me straight.� I guess she did in the end.

I also didn�t care for the idea that she had the affair because �I wasn�t there� as Dr. Harley said. That seems a bit like it was my fault. I know that�s not what he meant, but I am sensitive to the idea.


I�ll also note that Dr. Harley did not suggest she separate from me as some people are suggesting she does. He says I need to stop saying things that hurt her before she loses too much love for me. This is something I understand and continue to work on.

Here�s what I gather the next steps are from the discussion:
1. Stop �punishing� her. She did disgusting and horrible things, knows it, and has to live with it forever. The score is even.
2. Stop sacrificing which is leading to additional resentments on top of the one�s I already have. One big exception here is the fact that I have to give up my career which, as Dr. Harley states, has been destructive in my marriage. I am finding it difficult to be enthusiastic throwing away a career because my wife cannot be separated from me overnight.
3. Encourage total openness and honesty so that she can tell me when she finds someone attractive. I think this is going well so far. She told me she found one particular man attractive at her work a few weeks ago and I had no problem with this at all.
4. Practice respectful OH myself so DW knows where she is falling short at meeting my needs. And in the same respect, allow her to meet those needs.
5. Never mention divorce or separation again unless I intend to follow through.
6. Continue with the 20+ hours a week of UA time.

I couldn�t agree more that DW and I are VERY compatible. Like Dr. Harley said, when I�m not angry with her, it�s so obvious that we are each with the right person. I can�t imagine getting divorced and finding another woman that fits me as well...ever.

I�ll revisit the broadcast again if BH can post it after it hits the archives. I�m sure there�s more that I�m missing.

I will tell you an interesting story about the effect of military life on marriages. Some Army chaplains contacted Dr Harley a few years ago with their concern about the epidemic of divorce and infidelity in military marriages. They asked him to find some solutions.

Well, Dr Harley decided to STUDY couples in the military who had romantic, passionate marriages to find out how they did it. He sent the word out for any couples who fit that description to contact him so he could test them. He asked and asked and asked and asked for couples to step forward. He even made a post on the military forum.

That was in 2009. He is still waiting for a couple to step forward.

I think the main thing you are missing is that Dr Harley emphasised that it is really you your wife wants to be with and always has been. The major problem is that she falls in love really easily, and that is why she needs to stay away from situations in which there are attractive men - including work situations.

This is what he meant by saying that she had the affairs because "you were not there", and by telling you that her fog talk is actually revealing the truth about her feelings. She wants you to be there every day, and she wants you to be giving her admiration, affection and attention.

You were not there, for long periods when you were deployed, and that absence, combined with her ability to fall for other attractive men, allowed the affairs to happen.

Dr Harley guaranteed that if you were with her every day and gave her the admiration and attention she thrives on, she will never have another affair, and you two will have a romantic and passionate marriage.

It is bizarre that you would see giving up your military career as a sacrifice, when doing so would bring you the marriage you desire. If you had given up that career when you married, you could have had that marriage all along. How can such a gain be a sacrifice?

Did he ever give the chaplains any advice?

People just can't quit the military. We can't go to our boss and say we're not going on deployment. We would end up in the brig. What can be done to help a married couple that has to endure separation?

I would really like to know. I don't think I'll be going on any more deployments but I've got another 3 years on my contract, anything can happen. If I get sent somewhere, should I just give up on the marriage?

And it's a sacrifice simply because I'm not enthusiastic about it. Not yet at least. All I've known is this life and the great mystery of life after the military (and how well I'll adjust) is scary to me right now.

I�ll also note that Dr. Harley did not suggest she separate from me as some people are suggesting she does. He says I need to stop saying things that hurt her before she loses too much love for me. This is something I understand and continue to work on.

Seems I can�t go into conflict without �abusing� her, so here I sit.