This week, my world fell apart. I have been in a committed relationship for 10 years, married for 3. A few days ago, I caught my wife late at night telling someone else she loved them.

I suspected a while ago that there might be someone else, but convinced myself it was nothing and I should trust her. Turns out my suspicions were correct. On confronting her, she admitted the affair had been going on for many months, and she loves me "as a friend but nothing more". We have not been intimate for around 2 years, I talked to her previously about it and at the time she said she had personnal image issues, so I waited and hoped things would get better.

I am now lost and rudderless. We have a great time together and enjoy each other's company, but now she says she does not see me in any other way than friends, and can't see that changing. I told her I intend to fight for our marriage and she needs to end it with the married OM, but she says she cannot decide, will not stop talking to him, and any discussion about it turns to her moving out, says I am trying to trap her and its not fair on me. She does seem genuinely distressed at the hurt she has caused, but at the same time she shows no sign of interest fixing things, saying she has felt this way for a long time.

Involving my family would likely destroy any chance of us rebuilding from here, they are the sort that does not forgive or forget. She says she wants to pretend over christmas then we'll talk, although I feel that might have more to do with her having time to find somewhere else to live than about any desire for reconcilliation.

I have tried to stay calm throughout, kept things light between us outside of these frank discussions and show a positive outlook, but I feel like I am falling apart. I have looked at plans A and B, but cannot see them doing anything other than more harm right now. How can I move forward from here.

Hi Pen, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am so sorry for the reasons that bring you here. Marriage Builders has a step by step process for ending an affair and saving your marriage. It is the most effective process that I have ever seen. While there are no guarantees, following these steps provide the best chance at saving your marriage.

Your first step is to kill the affair. You must do this first in order to have any chance at saving your marriage. Since affairs thrive on secrecy, exposure is ruinous. We have had affairs end the very day they were exposed. Affairs are fantasy relationships so exposing them is very much like bringing in a crowd of people to the crack house to watch the crackheads get high. It not only ruins the high, but it allows them to see how ridiculous they look through the eyes of others.

Many affairs are killed the day they are exposed; those that are not, face hastened deaths because having an affair is no fun anymore when others are looking on in horror and disgust.

The sooner you expose, the more likely you are to kill the affair. Exposing the affair before Christmas would be especially effective because it is a time when people are focused on family. Your family members and the OM's family members would have the opportunity to confront them about the affair. The timing could not possibly be more IDEAL.

Please go read the thread on exposure that is linked in my signature. It will help you understand the value of exposure and give you a step by step plan.

Plan A would very likely save your marriage. It is not time to go into Plan B. I know it feels that it might be harmful, but the necessary steps to save your marriage are very counterintuitive.

Most men are under the illusion that avoiding conflict and avoiding their wife's anger at all cost will save their marriage. But it is the opposite. Your marriage can survive her temporary anger over exposure; but it cannot survive an ongoing affair.

The men and women here who are in fully recovered marriages attribute it to exposure. Exposure saved our marriages.

The difficulty I have is exposing them would necessarily make my family aware, which would likely make a future life between the two of us vastly harder.

If you don't expose, you won't have a future with her. You should make your family fully aware of the affair.

Let me tell you, I just exposed and I got a flood of support from our family and friends. It felt great to not have to pretend anymore. I was dreading pretending over Christmas as well, and now I don't have to. I feel more in charge than I have at any other point since finding out about the affair. My WH is very upset and not talking to me. He hasn't even read my PBL, but the way I see it, I know I'm trying 110% and if he walks away from me now forever, at least I know I'm not in a loveless marriage and I will survive. You can do it too.

She wants you to enable her affair by keeping her secret for her and her OM. That way, she can keep you around as an option and maintain complete control of the situation. Dr Harley would tell you that it is very hard to save a marriage when you enable an affair.

Keeping her secret enables your wife and this married man to carry on their affair in secrecy. That is not in your best interest or the best interest of your marriage.

Thank you for the support. I keep thinking this may ruin Christmas for everyone, but then Christmas is not about gifts and games, it is about family, and this will give everyone something else to talk about besides how dry the turkey is, heh.

Have you seen this?
Conflict Avoidance is the Kiss of Death

I agree. But it won't ruin Christmas; it will ruin the affair. That is a good thing, not a bad thing. Christmas is about family. And you and your wife need your families the most right now. Family is not just for the good times, it is for the bad times too.

The kindest, most compassionate thing you can do for the OM's family is tell his wife that her marriage is being destroyed behind her back so she can protect herself. Giving her the chance to save her marriage is the greatest gift you can give her.

I hadn't, but it fits me like a hand in a glove. I have always found conflict hard with people I care about, the more I care the harder it gets.

I can't think of a more appropriate time to ruin an affair than Christmas!

The OM's BW needs to be informed. She probably knows something is wrong with her marriage and probably blames herself.

You need to expose this.

I know, the hardest bit of all, but also I can see one of the most necessary. I am not 100% if I have the right person to contact (could be a different family member), so writing that message will be especially hard.

I would want to know if the roles were reversed, however hard. That is one I won't expect to be warmly received.

You have a lot going for you here.

Christmas is the best time to expose. As she has already expressed, she wants a family Christmas untouched by the affair. Well if she wants that, she will have to give up the A.

Your family being hard on affairs is brilliant news. The last thing you want is a bunch of 'forgive and forget' enablers. Those types of families tell the WW to go off into the sunset with OM and just be happy. Your lot sound like they will need her to work hard to EARN forgiveness. Wonderful.

It's perfectly natural for a WW to feel brotherly love for her betrayed husband. Women can't love two people at the same time, but her love for you is still there - or she wouldn't feel any kind of love.

However men compartmentalise and tend to love both women equally. WW's tend to get dumped by their married lovers. Exposing to the OMW is your best shot by far.

Make sure you follow the exposure instructions in Melody Lane's signature exactly. You want to expose to everyone at once and really rock your wife's world in one shot.

If you get her super duper mad then you will know you have hit the right nerves and reactivated her shame.

Right now asking for a 'pretend' Christmas shows she has no shame at all - it has been dulled by the affair and the secrecy. Let her see how nasty it really is.

Pen, These fine people know what they are talking about. They gave me great advice I was hesitant to take as well for fear of making things worse or making my WS more angry and more determined to divorce me. I waffled and didn't follow the advice to a T... now I am in the process of a divorce. I enabled the affair by being "nice" and they now live together, she has literally taken my place and is out in the open as the love of his life. I will be divorced by Valentine's Day if the paperwork goes smoothly. Don't be me. Please listen to these folks.

If a spouse divorces because the other spouse uncovered the ugly truth, than that spouse is not worth the paper the marriage certificate was printed on. Simple as that.

But much, much more importantly, exposure destroys the affair and gives the betrayed spouse his or her best chance of recovering the marriage. That's because a healthy marriage has no chance if there is an affair in the picture. And the affair won't go away on its own if the fantasy is keep alive through secrecy. In fact, its the secrecy and taboo that makes it so irresistible to these crack addicts.

This has been proven over and over, whereas enabling has not been proven to be an effective strategy unless being a doormat is the objective.

Wild horses would not stop a spouse from pursuing reconciliation, much less exposure.

I think your family will be shocked that you felt you could not come to them for help and support. Exposure is not just about getting the truth out there but also about getting support for both the BS and for influencing the WS to stop their hurtful behaviour.

Who is this OM and how does your wife know him? Is he married with children?

Pen,

This was a framework given to me by a wily vet on the forum who is sorely missed. Just passing it along...if you want to have a chance of saving your marriage, if you want to save your wife from the destructive path she's heading down with POSOM...

Here is your game plan. Most betrayed husbands haven't the courage to follow it fully,
to their own discomfiture. Those that do have remarkably better results than the rest.

THE BETRAYED HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. (�Eblaster� can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take �personal� calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and �on� whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.


WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,

9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife�s contacts, to the tune of: �I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333�
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM�s contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.