Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 42
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 42
So, I am new here, but I've been lurking on the site now since sometime in September. I would appreciate any advice that you have to offer.

My wife and I had our 2nd anniversary in July. I found out after labor day that she had rekindled a relationship with an ex-boyfriend. I am 8 years older than her and he is 9 years older than me. I was absolutely devastated. This creep first started buying her expensive gifts when he was 34 and she was 17, in high school. Supposedly, he's rich (his parents handed him a restaurant), and apparently she sees nothing wrong with the fact that a 34 year old would "date" a 17 year old. And as it turns out, she's apparently never completely cut communication with him.

I have been working in another state since the spring with the idea that we would see each other on weekends, either down here or at home. We had done long distance while dating and didn't think it would be a problem. Boy were we (was I) wrong.

I have been doing a poor Plan A since finding out in September, but the distance has certainly complicated matters.

She did all the usual tricks that I have seen described here. Asking for space and little to no contact. We have a separation agreement. She was supposed to have ended things in November while we gave each other space until Thanksgiving. Of course, she did not. I confronted her with evidence and then she promised to end things again. Supposedly, that happened last week, but I have no idea what the email said to him and I am dubious to say the least that contact has ceased.

Anyways, I am moving back home permanently next weekend. I have been biding my time and picking my battles with her. She remains firmly in the fog and in her mind, most of this is my fault because I drove her to it, as far as I can tell.

She went to see the MC on her own this week, but apparently did not even mention the other relationship.

I am running out of steam for this Plan A. I know I haven't exposed enough yet, but am scared to do it with her family don't know if I should confront the OM at his place of business (public place).

This week, based on more trickled out truth, I have been able to put together that she has been having a full blown affair for 6 months of our second year of marriage.

I love her and she loves me, and that makes it hurt even more. I don't know if I'll be able to move passed everything that's happened or if I even should. We're both young enough that, even though it would be an absolute shame, I am starting to wonder if starting fresh would just be better for both of us.

I love her so much, but feel I have no idea who she really is.

Sorry for the disjointed, rambling story, I know its nothing new here, but I could use any help that I can get.

Thanks.

Last edited by wrstYearOfMyLife; 12/12/13 07:24 PM.

---
Me (BH) 33
Her (WW) 25
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
WorstYear,

I am running out of steam for this Plan A. I know I haven't exposed enough yet, but am scared to do it with her family don't know if I should confront the OM at his place of business (public place).

First find out ALL of his contacts to the extent possible, facebook, linkedin, his church, his family,ex-wives, current wives/girlfriends, his professional associations. Email/contact as many as possible. This is your saturation bombing of OMs life.

Do this suddenly, quickly and completely, without warning or threats, do not tell anyone especially OM and your WW.

Then confront OM! Place posters of OM on telephone poles around his business.

Exposure of your WW can be next you already know who her people are.

God Bless
Gamma

Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,156
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,156
Why in the world would you even want to try and reconcile with someone like this? She's obviously not marriage material, and she certainly has no respect for you.

Two years in, no kids, and while you haven't disclosed this, I would imagine no real financial ties.

If it were me, I'd run like hell to the nearest lawyer and get yourself out of this now. It'll hurt, but not near as much as it will later when she does this again. And she will.

You deserve better than this. I would finish this, then go find what you do deserve.

Sorry you have cause to be here.


Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 42
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 42
Thank you, Viper. It does hurt, but I've been thinking more about that path lately.


---
Me (BH) 33
Her (WW) 25
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
Is OM married?

When are you going to expose?

When are you moving back home?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 42
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 42
OM never married.

Conflicted on that, esp. if I am second guessing R all together.

Next Friday.


---
Me (BH) 33
Her (WW) 25
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
Have you read the exposure thread?

Have you read this?
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 42
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 42
I was convinced I wanted R and that we could be better than ever, but the trickle truth and the realization that he's been there all along in one way or another has me second guessing.

I feel like I can't make a decision about her until I'm back in the house and observing what's actually happening vs what little bit she says on the phone.

I think part of me feels the need to confront the avoidance so I feel like she faces the reality of what she did.


---
Me (BH) 33
Her (WW) 25
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 42
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 42
Yes, have read the exposure thread a number of times. I get it.

I feel like I would ruin her reputation in her very small hometown and I am not sure I can do it. An option is to just move on and both retain as much dignity as possible.


---
Me (BH) 33
Her (WW) 25
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
You are not helping her by concealing her adultery.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 987
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 987
WY,

As the infidel in my marriage, and seeing some of the comments you have received (e.g., Viper's ever-so-generous "It'll hurt, but not near as much as it will later when she does this again. And she will."), I thought I would try to expand on some of the feelings you may or may not experience.

*I am firmly in the camp of "There is always hope and your marriage can survive and even thrive after infidelity." Even though yours is a young marriage, if you choose to stay and if your WW defogs and commits to making the marriage better than ever, the love you have for each other will grow and mature and be a beautiful thing to behold.

*That being said, yours is a young marriage and there may not be that many things tying you to this broken union. Recovery is a difficult road, with many ups and downs. If even just one of you is not committed to recovery, your relationship will likely limp along.

* Once betrayal is introduced in a marriage, there is no more blind trust in humanity. Certainly this has a proven basis with your current WW, and such a foundation would presumably be absent in any future relationship; however, the single act of dissolving your current marriage will not fix this loss of innocence. I am sorry for that, believe me.


I don't know if this helps, but those are my initial thoughts.


Me - 30 (FWW)
H - 30 (BH)
DSx2
D-day: 2008
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: wrstYearOfMyLife


I feel like I would ruin her reputation in her very small hometown and I am not sure I can do it. An option is to just move on and both retain as much dignity as possible.



We call that enabling. And as Dr Harley would say, it is very hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler. frown There is no "dignity" in covering up an affair because you make yourself an accessory to the crime. You harm you wife by keeping her secret.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 249
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 249
I think she ruined her reputation not you.


Married for 3 years
And going through a seperation.
me bh 33
her ww 34
2 kids
her dd 14
my ds 8
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 42
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 42
That is very helpful, thank you.

I do still want to believe there is hope. Especially now that she says she's trying. Its just that we have two very different definitions of her trying.

I want to believe she is capable of maturing past all this crap, but past behavior is no indicator of that possibility.

She wants the good feelings to "wash over her", and have a strong gut feeling of the right thing to do. I think that is very unrealistic, but I can hardly tell her anything right now. Also, she has an accomplice of a best friend who has known the whole time. She came back into our lives earlier this year and started convincing my wife of how much happier she used to be before me and how she didn't understand what happened to me. I had been so much fun in the past. The girl has always been jealous of my wife's progress in life and really drags her down.

I think that part of this is her having a quarter life crisis and that her best friend was somewhat of a catalyst. Even still, I hold my wife responsible for her actions. I'm just not sure she does yet.

I am going home this afternoon and it will likely be one more weekend of conflict avoidance (not idea, I know). I am not walking on eggshells anymore, but definitely still picking battles until next weekend when I am again a permanent fixture in the house.


---
Me (BH) 33
Her (WW) 25
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 42
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 42
So, wrt the reputation thing...

She is an educator and well known individual in a very small, close nit town. OM is in the next larger town over. I have far less reservations about exposing him for all the world to see, but again I won't be home permanently until next week.

It would be so easy, with just one whisper, for the truth to circulate all over. I truly believe that it would ruin her, up to and including losing her teaching job.

Maybe she deserves all that and more, but I am not sure I want to be the one who delivers that "justice" and here's why:

My concern is that if we were to truly R, then she would never be able to hold her head up in public again. Its not that I wouldn't mind moving to another state, away from her enabling parents and best friend, and this guy, but I think that's an awful lot to expect from someone all at once.

I am considering what level of family exposure to go with, minimally telling her parents, because they're obviously in the dark about some of this. However, I have serious reservations about public exposure of her for the reasons listed above.

Thoughts?


---
Me (BH) 33
Her (WW) 25
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 42
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 42
Also, any tips for this weekend home specifically, would be greatly appreciated.


---
Me (BH) 33
Her (WW) 25
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
Just because she's 25 doesn't make this a "quarter-life crisis".

A bit of a pattern I see here - treating her like a little kiddo. As long as that happens, she will never be held accountable.

She's old enough to be married, to be an educator, but not old enough to be 100% responsible for her actions. That's quite a sweet spot and some prime enabling.

Unless you are willing to hold her fully accountable and run this fool out of town, then you should consider divorce.

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Originally Posted By: wrstYearOfMyLife
Yes, have read the exposure thread a number of times. I get it.

I feel like I would ruin her reputation in her very small hometown and I am not sure I can do it. An option is to just move on and both retain as much dignity as possible.


There are plenty of former waywards on these forums who were exposed and survived. They have the utmost respect from their peers both here and in their families and communities for putting things right. It's only the ones who continue to do wrong who are looked down on.

It's such a young marriage though, you don't have to do anything to recover. Just walk away.

However if you wanted to do her a favour, I'd expose. Though she is an adult now, she was targeted young and needs other people's help out of this. The man is clearly a predator and a loser and needs exposure on his side too.

Most former waywards are so grateful for the exposure because without it they would still be in that dark place.

Last edited by indiegirl; 12/13/13 09:54 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 42
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 42
Originally Posted By: indiegirl
[quote=wrstYearOfMyLife]

It's such a young marriage though, you don't have to do anything to recover. Just walk away.

However if you wanted to do her a favour, I'd expose. Though she is an adult now, she was targeted young and needs other people's help out of this. The man is clearly a predator and a loser and needs exposure on his side too.

Most former waywards are so grateful for the exposure because without it they would still be in that dark place.


Very interesting perspective. I disagree that there is nothing to recover because of the youth of the marriage. I didn't mention it, but we have been together for 5 years and I have known her and her family since she was 3 years old. I love her very much.

Back to doing her a favor though, can you propose a reasonable, hypothetical plan for exposure? Who do I tell, how, and when?

I like that you used the phrase "targeted young". That's exactly how I feel. I know men, because I am one. I do think he is a predator. I am so worried that she'll never be convinced of that, or if its even appropriate for me to try and convince her.

She has a very nice, traditional family. No one would ever suspect her of any of this stuff. I could see a possibility that her cousins, uncles and aunts would be supportive of trying to help her see the light, but then again, usually family circles the wagons.


---
Me (BH) 33
Her (WW) 25
Page 1 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 29 guests, and 70 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Ella Paradis, Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg
71,683 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,563
Members71,682
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5