Also - is depression in the H common at this time as well?
He seems very down and miserable. I understand it's not a happy time for us but I am trying to be positive and happy for the kids,
My H is acting withdrawn and miserable, yet this specific incident was his doing!

Yesterday, he pouted and stomped his feet up the stairs when he came home and saw me and the kids watchin a movie in the tv he always uses...he was upset that he needed to wait...

What is going on here!!!??

Lacole,
My FWH was very depressed during the time he was entangled with his OW. This was before discovery day, so I thought he was depressed because of his work situation.
I understand Dr. Harley to say that during the A, waywards often are very depressed. Add to that, their "selfishness" quotient has been severely increased, and it is no wonder he is in a mess.

As an aside, my FWH also thought it wasn't an A for him, because they hadn't had sex yet. Of course, now he sees that as being totally foggy thinking. But that took a long time for him to see, once the A ended.

But.... You do know he is in an A. I understand you have a plan to divorce. But the way you are living right now is insanity. The danger to you and your children is enormous. Can you get him out of the house right now? You said he has somewhere to go...

Funny- my husband tried telling me the same, since they didn't have sex it really isn't / wasn't an affair....anything to shift blame or lighten the guilt.

He isn't leaving until after Xmas. I know it's crazy but I can't upset the kids. Maybe that is only my own feelings and upset I'm thinking of, maybe they would be ok??
I meet with my lawyer this week and H will go a few weeks from now. Until then I bite my tounge and support my kids....

I know he's in an affair. They may have cooled off abit or not have had sex, but this will pick up once my H moves out. I think by cooling it off for now,
He can justify it to himself that the sexua affair really didn't start till after he left, so really was that bad...

Why r they depressed? They should be feeling grea while with the OW.

I think the depression is because deep down they KNOW they are being selfish, and what they are doing is wrong. They have managed to justify their A to themselves because they are addicted to the attention from the AP.

I think men are ESPECIALLY good at fooling/justifying to themselves, because they are generally better at compartmentalizing their lives. So when they are with the OW, they are certain this is the right thing, and when they are with the BW, they believe they are Mr. Perfect Hubby. But deep down, where the man who was your husband resides inside himself, he knows that his behaviour is wrong.

I am sorry for what you and your children will have to endure over the next few weeks. I did not experience separation or divorce when I was young, so I haven't the experience to comment. But other posters here, who are children of divorce, say that kids KNOW when something is wrong, and if you do not tell them the cause, they will assume it is because of them or something they have done.

Additionally, the extreme stress on YOU during this time is a recipe for a nervous breakdown. If that happens, what will be the the outcome for your kids?

How old are your children? Will you re-consider your decision to wait until January?

Kids are 19,16 &12.

Not babies, but I can keep things together for them.

What happens when the A ends - H would have lost a much. Wonder how depressed he will be then. How foolish of him.

He actually told me a few weeks ago that he didn't want a divorce, he wanted to move out and see If one day he thought enough of me that I was the one he would want to take to dinner or a movie...geez, how lucky I would be..lol

I'm sure part of him wants the OW and all she gives him, makes him feel young and vibrant...and he still wants his family, marriage for other reasons. I'm worth more then waiting around for him to decide.....

Can't wait for the A to end....wonder how quickly he will be knocking on my door...

You need to get this man out of your home.

Lacole;

Have you told your kids about your WH's affair?

X2

He is always mad at me, always.

Ever since I found out about his A. He snaps, makes me feel like I'm a bother is. Ask him anything about the kids or whatever.

Why??? I know he wants me to feel bad.
It's so unfair!

He wants you to get angry or be nasty to him. Then he can be justified in disconnecting from you, because you are a shrew....

But Lacole, stop focussing about him. That is NOT your husband; it is an alien who has replaced your husband (at least temporarily.)

Remind me again, why are you waiting until after the new year to boot him out?

For the kids....they would be upset if he left now.

I need to keep my distance and have minimal interaction.
I will give him no reason to think in a shrew.
I need to hold myself to a better standard for myself.

If your kids knew the truth, they would support you in making him leave.
If your kids find out the truth years from now, they will be disappointed that THEY were the reason you put up with him.

Your kids are old enough to know the truth and old enough to hold him accountable for breaking up the family.

Do your kids know he's having an affair?

If not, they surely know SOMETHING's not right....

They deserve to know what is going on in their lives. And that his behaviour is intolerable. So long as you continue to tolerate it, you are modeling to them that having and A is acceptable.

U
X2

I disagree. And I know that Dr Harley would encourage you to separate.
He is very clear on that matter.
He is a national expert. Why don't you follow his guidelines instead of your own?
Do you feel that maybe you may not be thinking objectively?

Just a few more weeks and he will be gone.
Divorce papers will be served.

Are my kids old enough, yes, but
My husband will only make it worse, he will soon it and say it wasn't him that broke up the family, but me, who had her own affair 15 years ago, or he will say its "us" together that messed this up hence the breaking up of the family. He will not own anything specifically. He will spin and deflect to take as much faults way from him to preserve his own ego and image.

I'm not kicking him out now, a week before xmas.
Not for him, but for the kids. I need to just deal with it best I can.

Well that's your call but I don't see what his excuses have to do with anything. He can make his excuses out of your hearing just as well as in the home. Who cares what he rambles on about?

And as for plans for a phoney Christmas.. it won't go so well. children are very astute to undercurrents and don't like pretend happiness. They are young, not stupid. It would be more reassuring if you were real with them. However if you are dead set on trying, good luck with it.

So your plan is to lie to your kids and be miserable with him in the home?
What a miserable way to spend Christmas

Worse, Lacole, is what this few more weeks of pretending will do to you. I am very concerned for your health.

Going through this kind of stress, while pretending all is okay, is very hard on you. That is why Dr. Harley does not recommend you do this for longer than three weeks, tops.

And you have been at it for how long now?

Lacole,

My husband will only make it worse, he will soon it and say it wasn't him that broke up the family, but me, who had her own affair 15 years ago

Then embrace the truth and tell your kids that your affair set off a chain reaction, it will clear the air. Because it would be unfair to mention your Hs affair to your kids without also mentioning your own.

When your affair happened 15 years ago did you trickle truth your H over a number of months, if so it might explain why he never recovered.

God Bless
Gamma