Here.
How to Plan B Correctly

No - I put it all out there-

I don't agree either saying my affair started a chain reaction. My husband is a big boy and he made many mad decisions over the years all by himself.
He knows right from wrong and knew that certain things he did would hurt me.
He used my affair as an excuse for some of these, but just as I won't blame our bad marriage on my affair, he can't blame his on mine....

I'm will embrace whatever I need to, I won't be afraid or ashamed of the truth.
Xmas isn't the time for it with my kids...

Actually Christmas would be the best time to expose.
Why? Because the way we help people is to allow them to face the natural consequences of their actions.

I've been there. My wife left me and the 3 kids and returned a little before Christmas...and spent it secretly texting OM.

Miserable time.

Its your life, if you feel its best to swim in a sewer instead of exposing to your kids then go ahead

Have you exposed his affair?

Can someone explain why my H, the one in the midst of an affair,
Is so angry at ME??

He walks around snappy, cranky and mkserae ALL the time.

I need to understand this ....

I am a fairly new poster, but I thought I could jump in and help.

Your WH is trying to find a reason to justify his actions. He will be rude and mean and say things to "bait" you so that he can make himself feel better. From what I read on the forum, this means he knows what he is doing is wrong. Don't Love-Bust him, and don't give him any reason to justify his behavior. Be strong.

Have you exposed his affair yet? (Use the Exposure 101 link in MelodyLane's posts, or in the Notable Posts thread at the top of the forum.)

Yes - affair has been exposed. He is getting divorce papers served right after Xmas and is moving out next month.

I am staying positive and upbeat and try hard not to take his bait. In the event I have asked him for things (financial papers, etc) he says he will get them, but then doesn't. If he knows it's something I want, he will work hard to avoid it and not give it to me...I don't ask anymore, my lawyer said let it be and he will end up in a worse sitation with the court for not cooperating. I am giving him just enough rope to hang himself...

He thinks I'm backing off for his sake, I'm back off to preserve my own sanity and emotional well being knowing soon he will get served at work..wish I could see his face!!

He created all this night mare, refuses to give up the affair and punishes me with his bad attitude...will he ever see how badly he handled this??

At this point the best thing to focus on is Plan B

I know that ....

But I would like to know if at some point they realized they were mean, hurtful, foolish???

Everyone is different, lacole. Some get out of the fog and are deeply remorseful and feel shame. Others choose stay in the fog, choosing to rationalize their selfish, immoral choices. Denial is their best friend. At this point you have no idea which of these is your husband. You never know when or if he will come out of the fog.


Good post by Blair. Also, know that the best you can do is what you are doing: stay positive, don't let his fogbabble get the better of you, and continue to avoid angry outbursts and disrespectful judgments.

Marriage Builders requires you to be the better person. And when you continue to do that, the wayward spouse looks even worse in comparison. And that frosts the rationalizing wayward.

Also, I don't understand why you are pretending your way through Christmas. That serves no one well, but only makes a mockery out of the holidays and everyone's, including the children's, feelings.

If your WH is choosing to not end the affair, then he is choosing to be away from the family during Christmas. I would give him the ultimatum. Write a no contact letter, show it to me, and then we will send it together (by e-mail, snail mail, and text message) or you will leave the house.

I agree...

I look back in just the past 2 months since I discovered the affair and feel good
About how I have handled myself - sure I had a few week moments but recovered and learned from them.

I have stopped any negative comments/texts, I allow him to stomp around tr house like a toddler as he has done many times...and are just letting him see the natural consequences to his actions.

He can have the OW and she can have him. They deserve eachother. I know it won't last...my lawyer already warned me that at some point he will come back using sweet words and saying all the right things...and I am NOT to believe him.

He thinks he will get off easy...emotiobally, financially, little does he know what is ahead of him....and that....is what keeps me moving forward in the immediate weeks....you reap what you sow...was never more true.

Yes, we reap what we sow. But even the most egregious offenses have been atoned for by what Dr. Harley calls Just Compensation.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

I don't know if you are still fighting for your marriage. If you are, there is a chance it can be saved, even though you are about to go into Plan B.

If you are in Plan B, then get ready to write your Plan B letter, and remember that it is a love letter!

Here are some samples:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2558482

It's good you are letting him see the consequences of his actions.... this is important you cannot shield him.

I understand your need to try and understand the wayward behaviour. It's a hard pill to swallow when they are having an A and treat the BS so poorly. Wayward behaviour is selfish and irrational, it's based on making them feel good or getting what they want. It is important to focus on you though and not the foggy irrational behaviour. It will only cause you grief.

All WS are angry at their BS. They project their own anger at you and will use it to get a reaction, it confirms in their mind you are the bad guy and justifys their behaviour.

Also - my H is back to visiting the casino in out state a Nimber of times since I discovered his A. Now, historically, he does have a gambling problem. He has last tons of money over the years and his whole family is aware of this.

Between the A and the gambling (which I'm sure he feels he is in complete control of lol) are these all signs of a mid life crisis?

No mlc. Not relevant. This is full on addictive behavior.

Secure joint funds without delay. At a minimum, move half of all joint funds to an account in your name only

Consider canceling joint credit cards.

As long as you are married, you may be liable for his debts.

I'm not sure why it's called a midlife crisis. There is no crisis going on. They simply decide they want to be selfish. He is simply being selfish and feeling entitled and nothing more.

"Mid life crisis" is a mythological term used to describe the bad behavior of people in their late 30's. It is typically employed by spouses who are in denial. I haven't read your whole thread, but it looks to me that the real "crisis" is your spouse's gambling and adultery.

Please read.
Dr. Harley Posts on "Mid-Life Crisis"

Seperate bank accounts and no joint cc accounts at alll.
These were all seperated years ago. Also,house is in my name only.

He is VERY selfish and as I look back realize he did very little for me or anyone else for that matter unless he benefited somehow.

Not sure how he will react to the divorce papers. Told me he should not have married me 21 years ago and has wanted a divorce for years...so I'm assuming he should kiss the ground once served..but..he will be shocked I did it, never would think I would. I think many of his words were used to control me never thinking I would act on them. But he has left me no choice.

From experience, what Has been the general reaction from other H's??