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I am willing to hold her completely responsible. I just fear that I am the only one. Her day of reckoning is coming, one way or the other.

Like I said, I will be a permanent fixture at home starting next weekend. I have some time off before starting a new job. I plan on putting everything out on the table, but don't have a plan formulated yet.

I want to write a letter summarizing everything. I don't know if I should read it to her, just the two of us, or in the company of the MC or what to do. She has a tendency to run away when things get tough (just like a child, like you said).

I fear that a Plan B is imminent, and that it will be particularly risky for us, since she intentionally surrounds herself with enablers.

I promise I have tried very hard not to be. I am very honest and direct with her, but that hasn't worked very well, because she just fact checks the things I tell her with the other enablers in her life (parents, best friend, OM).

She can't seem to do the math that she basically has only one friend. All of the other friends that used to be in her life are doing grown up things and having a blast. She wants to be around this best friend girl, who is way behind in the game of life (duis, drug charges, bartender, etc.).

The odds are really stacked against me. So, what type of confrontation with her should I be shooting for here? How do I make her really hear me?

Last edited by wrstYearOfMyLife; 12/13/13 10:46 AM.

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Originally Posted by wrstYearOfMyLife
She has a very nice, traditional family. No one would ever suspect her of any of this stuff. I could see a possibility that her cousins, uncles and aunts would be supportive of trying to help her see the light, but then again, usually family circles the wagons.


That's their call. However they can't very well decide to help if they don't know so I would save the speculation and simply try them. Melody Lane has an excellent step by step exposure guide in her signature that I would follow to the letter.

Originally Posted by wrstYearOfMyLife
I don't know if I should read it to her, just the two of us, or in the company of the MC or what to do.


Avoid MCs like the plague. The usual thing is they gang up with the WS on the BS discussing the marriage problems and not even addressing the affair. Since you have been so absent you don't want that. Nobody does, it does not help. There's nothing wrong with the marriage, more pressing than her affair - you don't need an additional person discussing it. There's already too many people in your marriage!


Originally Posted by wrstYearOfMyLife
I fear that a Plan B is imminent, and that it will be particularly risky for us, since she intentionally surrounds herself with enablers.


For men, Plan A lasts six months.

Originally Posted by wrstYearOfMyLife
So, what type of confrontation with her should I be shooting for here? How do I make her really hear me?


We can't make people do anything. Just as we have free will and preferences we have to allow others to have free will to the point that they are free to be idiots if they want.

We all make decisions based on consequences. So if she's happy to face the consequences of what she is doing, then that is a great decision for her. Obviously the worst thing you can then do is protect her from her own choice of consequences - like losing her reputation. Why would she stop making messes if you clean up?

She has to learn that good reputations don't grow on trees. She has to actually behave in a way people respect.

I'd expose as per the plan without saying a word to her. Let the exposure do the talking. When she gets all furious, don't react and tell her you won't enable bad choices and you will never lie for her.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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WorstYear:

Exposure is not "reasonable" because affairs are not "reasonable".

The only "fair" in AFFAIR is the spelling...

You are in a war to save your marriage. Full exposure is your best weapon.

Your wife is ruining her OWN reputation by her actions. Keeping it a secret is enabling her, AND feeding the affair.

Regardless of if you chose to recover your marriage, full exposure is the ONLY loving thing you can do. She needs your help to break free of the addiction.

You cannot convince her that OM is a predator at this point. Don't talk about him... Tell her you will do whatever is necessary to save your marriage. Then change the subject.

Do not discuss exposure with her, or even mention it. She will be very upset about it. Just get it done, and be prepared for her to be angry. The angrier she is, the more you have "hit the target".


Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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Originally Posted by catwhit
Exposure is not "reasonable" because affairs are not "reasonable".


This is quibbling, as I see your point, but I disagree Cat. Exposure is the most reasonable thing I have ever done. Far more reasonable than lying to loved ones would have been.

Most people had an inkling anyway and were relieved of the burden of having to alert me to vague suspicions. Others, like his family, were merely glad of the chance to help and prevent losing me.

Like most deep dark secrets it only feels heavy when you try to hold it alone.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by indiegirl
Like most deep dark secrets it only feels heavy when you try to hold it alone.
Amen to this! We only started healing once I did a true and very wide exposure. Exposure brings a great relief�we don't have to go forth with skeletons in our closet, and we no longer have to hide what we say around family and friends.


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THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders.
We never knew that it could be this good! smile
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I have certainly felt better since coming clean with my family and friends about what's happened.

I realized that I have some really great friends. They wish that we could work things out, but support me first and foremost and have told me that I deserve better than this.

I hate how much time I spent beating myself up over my "control issues" that in her mind led her to do what she did. There has to be a turn around point in her understanding of what actually happened.

So, I will commit to you all that I will expose, with no warning. I understand there is no good time (other than ASAP) to do it, but I am going to wait until I am home for good next weekend.

Of course, this could make for an awful Christmas.

Thank you all. Please don't stop with the suggestions.

What about the accomplice best friend? I know better than trying to separate those two, but at some point I need to tell her how I feel about her, I think.


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Quote
What about the accomplice best friend? I know better than trying to separate those two, but at some point I need to tell her how I feel about her, I think.


I'm no expert but I believe you could help expose this friend in your nuclear exposure (and you are going nuclear right?). Maybe not calling the friend out directly but certainly detailing that you know for a fact friends of your W aren't friends of your M.


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who would I be telling this to?

does anyone have anything positive to say about MC?


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also, more food for thought. in my state what he has done is illegalas it pertains to our marriage. I could consider going after him for damages for things like student loans that I have paid off etc. Any thoughts on this? Is it worth my time? This is of course if there is no R.

Last edited by wrstYearOfMyLife; 12/13/13 02:20 PM.

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Originally Posted by wrstYearOfMyLife
who would I be telling this to?

does anyone have anything positive to say about MC?
Have you seen this?
Beware of Bad Counselors


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by wrstYearOfMyLife
also, more food for thought. in my state what he has done is illegalas it pertains to our marriage. I could consider going after him for damages for things like student loans that I have paid off etc. Any thoughts on this? Is it worth my time? This is of course if there is no R.
Are you talking about an alien of affection law?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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yes and criminal conversation.


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Originally Posted by wrstYearOfMyLife
yes and criminal conversation.
That's great.

Some states don't allow for the BS to go for damages from the WS or AP and so if you have that opportunity go for it.

Have you talked to your lawyer about this?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by wrstYearOfMyLife
Yes, have read the exposure thread a number of times. I get it.

I feel like I would ruin her reputation in her very small hometown and I am not sure I can do it. An option is to just move on and both retain as much dignity as possible.


No, if you got it you would of done it.

She banging the OM ruined her reputation. You did not ruin anything.

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And not exposing her will allow her to keep doing whatever she wants with no compensation to you or consequences to her.

This is not a piecemeal program. You must follow ALL OF THE PROGRAM or NONE OF THE PROGRAM!

IT WILL NOT WORK IF YOU DO NOT USE IT!

You need to start going CLANG instead of SQUISH.

Last edited by karmasrose; 12/15/13 05:22 PM.

One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Hey, I wanted to post an update.

My weekend back started rough, but ended pretty smoothly. This is a vast improvement over previous weekends.

I am returning home for good this weekend. I am seeing the MC on Thursday and she is seeing the MC on Friday. We are supposed to have a joint session after that.

I plan on interviewing the MC a bit on Thursday to see whether or not I feel continuing to see her will be useful. I plan on asking her about any success stories, and specifically how she feels about exposure.

RE: Exposure, I am getting more confident about it every day. I think it is necessary, as the plan here indicates. I am minimally waiting until I am back in the house this weekend, but to be honest (don't beat me up on this too much), I am considering getting through Christmas first.

I asked her mother if she knew what was going on and apparently both she and her father do. They were very nonchalant about it. I asked her dad for any advice and he said, "Well, son, she thinks you're going to really try and change. But, she'll need more time to decide what she really wants."

It was all I could do to keep it together. I told him there would certainly be evaluation on both sides and that change would be needed on both sides, he agreed to his credit, I suppose. They are major enablers (as I know I have been too).

I plan on casting a wider net in her family in terms of real exposure so I can hopefully find people that are willing to stick up for the marriage as well as for her, since her behavior is clearly very out of whack.

Supposedly, she is in NC for going on 3 weeks, but I have no evidence of that. I plan on asking if she's willing to prove it to me this weekend, by showing me her call records online. That should be interesting.

I thankfully read a thread here that told me I can save my breath on trying to tell her about what she's (been) doing and how wrong it is (was). There is no point in trying to reason with an addict. I definitely see the parallel there (alcoholism and some mental illness in my family).

She has been very communicative. Even more than last week, but I still think she is mostly going through the motions. There are moments that feel very real, she can be very sweet (always very needy).

I also listened to some excerpts from the radio show here on the value of exposure. I like the part of it speeding up what will ultimately happen anyway, in either direction.

If I am honest with myself, I have only been doing Plan A (with exposure only on my side) for 3 months. I didn't know I was even doing it at first, before finding this site. I need a serious personal recharge if I am going to deal with the fallout of exposure AND give it another 3 months before moving on to Plan B.

She has started expressing appreciation for the house, but not me of course. I look at her and think she doesn't even deserve to be there (bc she doesn't).

My hope and will are both low. I need to see action (either way) from her, but I probably won't until after the exposure.


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So you will be moving back home?

You need to expose this and demand she ends her affair and writes a NC to OM.

What is your exposure plan?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Back home permanently, this weekend. Have been working a job in another state.

I am formulating the plan now.

I am thinking of meeting with extended family in person. As I said in my previous posts, I am very concerned about exposure to friends her age, including fb friends because given her position in the very small town as an educator, I really think it would have permanent, negative consequences on her job. That is honestly bad for both of us. The friends are young, small town females, and are very prone to gossip. The literally can't help it. It wouldn't be very long before all the parents of her students were giving her the stink eye. People here on mb don't seem to want to process this nuance of our situation, but I do think its legitimate. It wasn't (isn't) a workplace affair, and unfortunately, there is no way to separate community from workplace in this case. I am not going for a scarlet letter situation here, only to identify mature, adult advocates of our marriage, and her specifically.

So, I am wanting to approach her extended (but close) family. Aunts, uncles, cousins. I have a particular cousin in mind to start with. She's closer to my age, and very mature. I want to see her in person next week and see what she thinks of this whole thing. It will also be a chance for me to see how far and wide my ww has spread her campaign of misinformation.

She wrote an email to him, that she did not share with me. So, its possible that I will still demand an NC letter. Like I said, I want to see if she's willing to prove her claim of no contact for the last 3 weeks. I am sure she has deleted whatever email she sent him, but I'd like to know what she said there as well.

Listening for advice. Would appreciate more than just STICK TO THE PLAN in all caps, if possible. I understand, and want to, but trying to come up with my overall game plan now.

Last edited by wrstYearOfMyLife; 12/17/13 08:38 PM.

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We have a game plan for you, the problem is you don't seem to want to follow it.

An NC letter should not be "possible", it should be MANDATORY! Same with exposure!

She really should have thought about her rep before she had an affair! Your marriage is bleeding out and YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT THE STABBER'S REPUTATION?!




One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Hi karmasrose,

I don't know how many times I have to say I have read it, and I get it. I guess you're going to continue with the all caps thing anyway.

I said in my earlier post that I am getting more confident every day about exposure. I am getting myself geared up to do it. I am biding my time until this weekend, when I am home permanently. I also said that I am not willing to risk her losing her job.

Maybe let someone else comment now. You are repeating yourself.

Its funny that I don't hear Dr. Harley screaming STICK TO THE PLAN to his radio audience. He seems to listen to the individual situation and offer helpful advice as others here have done.


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