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Merry Christmas all-
I am new here so please forgive me if this post is lengthy as i am not yet familiar with all the abbreviations. My H and I have been married for 11 years since i was 19. we separated a year later bc i was lacking in the sexual arena. since i was only 19 i was not very seasoned sexually. my h begand sleeping w ow on his job. i begged and pleaded for him not to leave me and my one year old daughter at the time but he did anyways. future contact with him did no good at at all it just resulted in him getting frustrated and becoming violent with me. Needless to say i loved my h dearly and refused to get a divorce from him. we ended up getting back together five years later. we had another child in 2009 after 8 years of marriage. shortly after my h sexual performance (or should i say the lack thereof) caused me to enter into an adulterous relationship in 2011. my h discovered the relationship and told me if i didnt stop he would leave. i tried to stop the other relationship but i went through a very depressed withdraw period but eventually stopped talking to the om. We started marriage counseling to work things out. Shortly after, i found out that my husband too was having an a two as a matter of fact. Now my H is the tit for tat type of guy so i believe he was doing this to get back at me for what i had done. Once we got over all of those issues i thought we were at a point where we were finally happy in the marriage. then last year after going on vacation to celebrate our 10 year anniversary when we arrived back home my husband told me he had to resign from his job due to him being found out about by embezzling funds. I was very angry with my h, one for the embezzlement and 2 for putting our family in this bad situation. I stopped speaking to my husband after about 3 months of him not wanting to get another job and thinking he could gamble professionally and squandering the family's savings. i eventually got in an a with om that was also married. My h eventually found out and begged me to stop. He also began seeing ow and having sexual relationships outside the m. one woman in particular he started seeing a few days before my birthday and ironically enough her b-day is about 4 days b4 mine. He spent her bday with her and did nothing for me for mine. I found out about her and he told me that he would not continue anything with her however i never told him that i wanted to make our m work. finally in july i realized that we were to distant from one another and told him that i wanted to make the m work. he told me NO and that he no longer wanted to make it work. I immediately knew someone was in the picture. he denied tho. I found out he purchased a new cell phone that i knew nothing about and had been still seeing this woman. she knew about me bc i called her on one occasion b4 when my h never came home bc he was with her. its now december and he is now living with her. he doesnt give me any money for the two children adn acts like he completely hates me. He has even told me not to call him anymore. What do i do?? There are more details to this story and i will be more than happy to share. I just really need help!!! I want my husband back...

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Confused,

Welcome to MB. There's TONS of good help here. Have you ended your affair completely? What steps have you taken to ensure it will not happen again? Who knows about the affairs?


Celtic Voyager
Married 22+ years
3 young adult children


"A story of me"
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Yes, my affair ended bk in june. As far as steps taken to ensure that it will not happen again: I have been reading dr Harleys about affairs and i have a better understanding about what causes them and how to keep them from happening. i believe my affiors were ignorance on my part i was under the impression that when my h didnt make me happy that i could simply go out and get someone that will do the things that he was lacking in not knowing i was damaging my marriage by doing so. As far as who knew? All of my friends knew. I took this man around my friends as he brought his friends around me. He told me that all his friends did it and it was the "norm" for them so i felt really comfortable around them.

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Who is your OM? Is he married?

Is your Husband still having an affair? Are any of his OW married?

Have you both been STD/I tested?

Have you changed all the conditions that allowed your affair? What EPs have you put in place?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Have you read all of the threads in here?

Start Here First-Welcome Aboard


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Yes, my husband is still having an affair. He left in July and now lives with the ow. Yes one of his ow were married but he no longer sees this woman. Yes, I have been tested earlier this year.

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I no longer have an affair with om. It ended in June.

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Originally Posted By: the_confusedwife
I no longer have an affair with om. It ended in June.

Is he married? How do you know him?

Did you change all you contact information?

Who have you exposed his affair to?

What EPs have you put in place?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Yes, he is married. We live in Baltimore so I met him at the ravens Super Bowl championship celebration earlier this year.

I exposed this relationship to a friend of mine who actually knew his wife and she exposed it to her.

His wife actually made him change his phone number and he has had no contact with him since June.

As far as ep's go I'm not really certain as to how they relate to me at the present since h and I are no longer living together and aren't even speaking.

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Yes, I've read them

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CW,

Yes, my husband is still having an affair. He left in July and now lives with the ow. Yes one of his ow were married but he no longer sees this woman. Yes, I have been tested earlier this year

I suggest you contact the BH of the OW who was married.

God Bless
Gamma

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CW,

I exposed this relationship to a friend of mine who actually knew his wife and she exposed it to her.

His wife actually made him change his phone number and he has had no contact with him since June.


Please call the BW of your OM, you need to make sure she has the full story, OM will lie and minimize. You should make amends and a confession is the best place to start.

God Bless
Gamma

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He actually contacted me last year and told me what was going on between my husband and his wife so he is fully aware and they too are separated now. He actually told me his wife was sleeping around with more men than just my h.

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Gamma-
Are you sure about contacting the bw of the om? This has been well over 6 months that I have had any contact with these people and I think this is one of those situation where you should "let sleeping dogs lye". Especially since when she contacted me I assured her there was nothing going on between us, but that was truly to protect their marriage. I never wanted to destroy anyone's home.

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The betrayed spouse of the adulterer should ALWAYS know the truth about their life and marriage. Your telling them won't destroy their lives; the hurt will be the direct cause of the person who betrayed her. She needs to know so she can protect herself. I assure you that while the OM was having an affair with you, she was very troubled by his coldness and distance from her. She knows something was wrong.

Also, for their marriage to survive infidelity, she and her H need to eliminate all the conditions that led to his affair. They would need to affair-proof their marriage with extraordinary precautions. He needs to offer her Just Compensation.

How can any of this happen if she doesn't know the truth?


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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Ok I understand completely. I will contact her after the holidays.

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I have contacted the ow parents earlier this summer and to my surprise her parents already knows her dad actually told me that other family members has made him aware of the situation. however, they are supposedly 'christians' and have accepted my husband openly. He even spends nights over there with her when she is visiting her parents. I am considering messaging all 600 plus of her friends on facebook tho.

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Originally Posted By: the_confusedwife
Gamma-
Are you sure about contacting the bw of the om? This has been well over 6 months that I have had any contact with these people and I think this is one of those situation where you should "let sleeping dogs lye". Especially since when she contacted me I assured her there was nothing going on between us, but that was truly to protect their marriage. I never wanted to destroy anyone's home.


Dr Harley would encourage you to be honest

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Originally Posted By: the_confusedwife
Yes, he is married. We live in Baltimore so I met him at the ravens Super Bowl championship celebration earlier this year.

I exposed this relationship to a friend of mine who actually knew his wife and she exposed it to her.

His wife actually made him change his phone number and he has had no contact with him since June.

As far as ep's go I'm not really certain as to how they relate to me at the present since h and I are no longer living together and aren't even speaking.


The Extraordinary Precautions you would create serve the function of ensuring that you are never placed in a similar condition which lead to your last affair.
If you met OM in a bar, you never go to a bar again.
If you concealed the affair by having alone time then you dont have unaccounted alone time.
All conditions which made the affair possible must be removed.

In your present state, you should have no opposite sex friendships and do conversations with men.

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