The no contact letter should come to you in his handwriting for you to deliver. It should be in the wording you specify and closely follow the one in SAA. Do not let him write a 'fond farewell' and send it himself.

If he is willing to end the A and to prove it will give you a proper NC letter, then you can see him or talk to him if you wish. Personally I would let him twist in the wind, but a meeting about your standards for the way in which he ends the affair is permissable. However, you must stand firm. Do not let him come back, or agree to continue meeting him, without all the conditions being adhered to exactly.

Yes, I've sent him the sample from the book and I requested to see it tonight before we send it. I specified there could not be any language involving missing each other and it needed to be clear and concise that he was focusing on his marriage and that their relationship was a terrible mistake as well as him requesting no contact. I asked him to write a different one then the sample since he sent the sample one at the beginning of the month and obviously that was a failed recovery.

I told him he needs to agree to the terms or I will go back into a dark Plan B. He asked how he is to communicate with me then, and I said through the IM. I told him his behaviors need to show me that he means what he says and that is the only way. I need him to comply or I will move forward with a divorce. I am standing firm. I will not let him waltz back into my life. He wasn't prepared for me to be so stern with him. I'm sure he thought he could come home, say he was sorry and I'd be all lovey dovey with him. I said your relationship with OW needs to end completely before I can even think about talking about reconciliation, also you need to be on medications. He understands my position since he finally read my PBL. He said he didn't want to read it because he thought it was a goodbye letter. Dumb. I had the IM tell him it was a love letter and that it would explain the situation. It took him 3 weeks to read a letter, after he had decided on his own that the affair wasn't worth it.

I am not letting him move back in until he actually starts to comply. I told him his word means nothing to me without changes in behavior. I will not be disrespected any further. I don't think he realizes how close to divorce I am. He tried to say, "we'll if this is going to be so difficult, then I might as well pack it up and get over you"--playing the victim role. I said, "Fine, if you can not commit to my terms and the EP, then you're making a decision to tell me that we're not worth the effort, so get ready to 'get over me'". I'm not falling for that BS. Don't act like you're the victim, here, buddy. You're lucky you have this chance.

I was looking at all the EPs in the book and i read them off to him yesterday. He knows there's a lot of work ahead of him. We'll see if he's able to follow through. I have no problem cutting off contact again if needed.

Hooray for you, keeping to your boundaries!

He really didn't like having to actually work for getting back with you, seemed like he thought he really could just waltz right back into your life. Not you!

Iron Lady. Show him you mean business. Nice work

Exactly! Way to go, Fancy!

Thanks, everyone. It's amazing when you get to take the power back. I'm not going to beg anyone to stay. I'll keep you posted.

Fancy,

Is one of your conditions that he has a medicine regimen? This should happen BEFORE you leave Plan B. Also you need to be actively involved in his appointments.

Is he seeing a Psychiatrist who is an expert in his illness? Is he involved any any DBT therapy? And if so, are you involved?

These should all be conditions that are met before you're willing to leave Plan B. He has a history of "telling" you what you want to hear and you must see actions.

The first is that NC letter. Has he written it for you to approve?

My Husband is also diagnosed with bipolar and Dr. Harley helped me make these very defined EPs.

Very impressed. A wayward will always live down to the lowest standard they can get away with, so great work keeping the bar high.

Some of our former waywards are incredibly grateful for the tough love they got at this stage.

This is his no contact letter:

"TXXXX,

I love and respect my wife. Please respect my decision to move forward with her and my children. I will not be contacting you and do not contact me. My commitment is to my family and their happiness. I have made many mistakes that have hurt a lot of people, first and foremost, my wife. My relationship with you is over and I will never see you or talk to you again. It was wrong of me to hurt my wife this way and she did not deserve it.

BXXXX "

I mailed it today.

I told him I can't let him move back in until he agrees to all the terms. He says he's willing to commit to all the terms but still needs a few days to to come to grips with telling me everything that happened between them and changing his phone number. He thinks that telling me everything will make things worse. I told him I need to know so we can move forward. There needs to be no secrets between us. We've started reading the SAA book together. He admitted that he is feeling withdrawal as Dr. Harley described. He spent New Years Eve with us at home and New Years Day.

Great job standing up for yourself

Be very leery. No, he doesn't need a few days. He either meets the conditions, or you move back to Plan B. Don't let him drag this out. He needs to be returning to you, hat in hand, willing to do whatever it takes to keep you.

Brainhurts raised some good questions above that I'd really like to see the answers to.

He's agreed to let me be 100 percent involved in his mental health care. He started taking his medications as prescribed. He has his psychiatrist appointment scheduled on 2/4/14. I will be involved. He is not in DBT therapy. He is in individual counseling with someone who is very familiar with his disorder. He is also attending a 12 week anger management class, and has mentioned that it has been helpful in understanding how to handle his anger appropriately.

My participation in his mental health care is definitely one of the conditions for his return home. As well as for him to take medications.

He wrote his NC letter. It's posted above. I had him write his own because we closely followed the sample in the book earlier in December and it was a false recovery. I wanted him to write something different so she would see he meant it.

He says he doesn't think telling me everything about the affair will help. He's worried that it will be more harmful than helpful. I told him he doesn't get to decide that.

He read my Plan B letter on Sunday, after he had decided that he was ready to come home and commit to our marriage. He said he realized he should have read it sooner and that it means we have a chance at reconciliation. He said he's willing to do what he needs to to come home and be with us again. My guess is he is hesitant to tell me everything that has happened between them because when he hadn't read my letter, he thought that my letter was a "goodbye forever" letter and he probably did some things with her that he wouldn't have had he known.

Before he had started his affair, we had a fight one night when he was drinking. I had said to him that if he kept up his behavior and ended up sleeping with someone, I would leave him. He swore up and down during the entire time of the affair (Before Plan B) that he hadn't slept with her. As if by not sleeping with her, it wasn't defined as an affair.

He understands now that all of it was wrong, but he's probably ashamed of what happened. Have many of other Waywards come forth with the details of their affairs willingly or did it take them time? I told him I would only give him a few days or I will go back to no contact.

He asked the IM to ask me if he could come to the baby ultrasound on Monday. Since he finally read my letter and she felt he was sincere about his commitment to our marriage, I let him come. We talked a little during the appointment. We made plans for him to come home for New Years Eve so we could tell our daughter the news that she was having a sister.

He said his last contact with OW was Sunday, that he talked with her about not having contact any further. He said they both know it is wrong and they agree that they can't talk/see each other anymore. I know my exposure played a big role in them not being able to continue their affair.

I read some text messages on his phone from her after the exposure and she was saying things like "Your wife is crazy for going on FB and doing that, she needs help. This is getting out of hand. She thinks she can do this?!?! You can go and just stay with her forever! And be unhappy for the rest of your life. Leave me alone for good. I know you will never trust her or fall in love with her again! But you don't want to hurt her. Maybe that is your karma. To be with her, and it's not really what you want!"

My best friend is worried about my safety. The OW is her sister in law, and she says that the family handles things on a primitive level. They jumped a girl before after she had a baby with one of their husbands. My best friend wants me to get a restraining order against the OW. She hasn't made any direct threats to me, but in her text to my WH, she says "My family wants me to do something about this. She wants drama, we'll give her drama! I'm so mad!!!!" My best friend worries that the OW will come after me physically. WH thinks it won't happen.

He understands that I need to monitor his phone, email, skype and everything else. I told him I would be putting GPS on our phones and there will be no transparency between us when we're working on our marriage.

He's come down quite a bit from his angry manic state. He seems pretty calm overall, although I need him to take the medications to remain stable.

We've got a lot of work ahead of us. Thank you everyone for all your suggestions and support. I am certain that the marriage builders program will be extremely helpful. I'm so glad I found this website. I wouldn't have been able to do be as strong as I am without knowing there have been many others before me who were able to do it with MB.

I'll keep you all posted.

Do they focus on relaxation techniques?

His hesitancy concerns me. Yes, it is difficult for the wayward spouse to discuss the affair, but it's not crippling. He is making excuses.

He's been to anger management for 3 weeks. They've just started talking about relaxation and they have discussed techniques but not practiced them. I have a background in occupational therapy and have experience with relaxation techniques so I have offered to help him. He says he knows the application process is the most important thing.

I told him that he has to tell me. I know that it is difficult, but I agree it's not crippling. He is making excuses. It took him 2 full minutes to answer my question: When was the last time you saw her?

And he couldn't give me a real answer. His answer was "Before Christmas". I said that's not good enough. How hard can it be for him to give me a date and time? I mean, really!?! He said he didn't want to answer the question because it would only lead to more questions. I'm going to keep pushing. If he doesn't tell me, I will go back into Plan B. I told him that. He knows. I'm just giving him a few days because of the mental health piece of it.

Has he signed a medical power of attorney (or anything similar) so that you have full control over him and his medication? Something like this would allow you to admit him if he has a manic episode.


You write out all of the questions you want answered. Then, he answers them. You can schedule a polygraph to ensure that he answered everything honestly. Some threads I have read where the poligrapher asks the WS if they answered all the questions honestly. That part is up to you as to what you ask. You will need your WH to be honest and answer all your questions.


I would be concerned that he had OW write things like that to throw you off. When people are hesitant to be honest and open, then they still have something to hide.


You should take your safety seriously. You have babies to watch out for. It doesn't matter if your WH thinks it won't happen. Please be careful.

Your WH was trying to think up a good lie that you might fall for and that's why it took so long for him to answer you. If he was telling the truth, he wouldn't have had to "think so hard" about it. I would be worried about whether or not he has actually stopped the affair.

Thank you BlairBlueFin.

He has an appt with his case manager on Jan 6th. I plan on attending with him. We have to make a plan for everything and I need to be 100% involved, so I will ask his case manager about the medical power of attorney, etc.

I did tell him I would make him take a polygraph if he can't do this on his own.

I agree about my safety. WH is blinded and in foggyland, so I get he doesn't see the OW for who she really is. I also know he's hiding something if he is hesitant. I haven't talked to him yet today, and I will address the seriousness of this again before the end of tonight.

Thanks!

That's what I think too. So I took it to mean, he had seen her that day or the day before. I'm not believing a word he says until he comes clean and does all the other things Ive asked as well. I have been on his skype, phone, and in his emails, she has not been logged on in skype since Sunday and has been offline for the past few days. He has deleted skypke off of his phone. The phone logs do not indicate that they have been in contact. He thinks I have his phone bugged and thinks I know everything anyways since I kept finding proof of the affair even though he was trying to hide it. He actually thought I had a mirror image of his cell phone somewhere and was hacking in. LOL. They both were freaked out about it.

I think you should require one regardless.

Do I ask him questions and have him do a polygraph? Or do I just do a polygraph with all the questions?

Like compare answers?

In the Operation Investigate section there is a thread called "Polygraph Testing."

Here is the link if it helps:
Polygraph Testing