Are we allowed to post external links on here for advice on dating? Or were these just missed by the mods?

You could always hit Notify and ask the MODS.

It was a great dialogue, BHINWI!

Were your questions answered? Got any more juicy kickstarters?

Good idea to add a picture!

I only respond to men who have at least a few photos. Otherwise, I think, "he's either married, hideously ugly, or a serial killer."

I don't sound pessimistic at all, do I?

If I were looking for dates, I would also be checking your height to make sure you were taller than me. That may not be important to some women, but it would be important to me.

Yes. Pictures.

No selfies with your phone or shirt off or with your ex.

Have someone take a few photos of you while you are doing stuff with them and pick a couple where you look like you are active and are like-able to people in general.

Why would you have a picture of you with your ex on a DATING WEBSITE, anyway?

How do people NOT know that's wrong? If I saw it I'd back off.

I'm becoming increasingly irritated with all the married women ookcupid OKCupid.
They list themselves as "single"; and later reveal they are "getting divorced".....

Half of the women I have had messages with are married!

I put the brakes on when I find out, but I get the impression that a man of low repute could get them in the sack pretty easily....

And then they wonder why they can't find a good man.

I am often tempted to just go with these women.
They speak greatly.
But Proverbs warns that the words of an adulteress are as sweet wine, but her path leads to the gates of hell.
We must guard ourselves carefully.

Good for you Jedi. You're being a decent honorable person.

It can be tempting when you are lonely, especially around the holidays, but don't give in. These women are adulteresses and almost certainly renters. They aren't good for you or your children.

ak

Probably many of the women are lonely themselves. They are trying to feel attractive and alive in the midst of the sorrow of divorce.
They just don't know how to be alone until the divorce is final.

Steer clear of them but have compassion that many are lovely people.

You want someone who doesn't have to be in a relationship to feel whole.

That is certainly true but take care not to confuse this with the court process. In NY state it often takes five years from the time of separation to divorce. That is a long time to be alone. My divorce took six years and would have taken longer if XH had not messed up his appeal (he forgot to ask for a stay). I have a friend whose divorce took nine years. Her husband abandoned her with newborn twin boys and a two year old boy. Believe it or not, the issues were over custody!

A newly divorced person may or may not have recovered enough for a new relationship. Her legal status alone will not give you this information.

My engagement didn't work out how I had expected. My suggestion is to verify everything you can that someone is telling you. Especially if the person says they are divorced, no matter how honest they sound, even if you've met their family, before getting serious, check the public record to make sure that's correct.

Great advice NewEveryDay.

Sorry about the engagement, but, indeed you found out in time! Phew!

Me too. It's why I had to go online. My friends were trying to set me up with shorties - and telling me it shouldn't matter! Good grief, it's like not liking mushrooms, you either do or you don't.

My bf is six-foot and his shoulder is in JUST the right place for snuggling.



That drove me crazy too. Because most people don't wait for the divorce that means a very high proportion of online daters are separated.

One of the things I found most attractive about my bf's profile was that he specifically said (briefly and to the point) was that he didn't want to receive messages from anybody who was still married. Not only did I find that appealing, I also kicked myself for not having done it on mine to weed out the time wasters.

I take your point about a nine year wait for a divorce - that is extreme and deserves compassion but even that type of situation shouldn't translate into behaving as a single person online when you are not.

It is not fair to others who dont want to get mixed up in a divorce, or to come between a separated couple who very often reunite.

It also isn't fair to the person going through a divorce. If I had a friend going through a divorce I would tell them it is a jungle out there and to wait until they could proudly stand tall on their own single feet.

The 'getting divorced' label is a very vulnerable label and you may just as well ring the dinner bell for the vultures. I wouldn't like any divorcing friend of mine to go on to online dating sites.

I didn't do it myself, even when I felt quite happy and healed. It was hard enough keeping the vultures away with high boundaries offline.

If I had a friend who was struggling with the legalities I would tell her to either push the system, throw money at it or wait. It isn't possible to be free without that legal status and an ongoing divorce also disrupts healing because it is so upsetting.

Not the best mindset for dating.

My experience with the 30+ guys I've touched so far is it takes a lot of personal growth and work to change the bad habits of their previous marriage. Very few change and it's the ones who personally validate their mistakes and demonstrate their new habits via actions.

No matter how the first marriage ended ... personal growth, accountability, and better habits will lead you to success.

Yikes. I'm sorry... What happened?