He needs to change ALL contact information? This should've been one of your conditions before you ended Plan B.

Will he do this today? Phone number, email, Skype, everything.

Yes. He knows he has until today to do all this or I go back into plan B. he had agreed to it but then said he needed to think about it. I have him a deadline of today

Good.

So you're all prepared to go into Plan B? He will leave?

He is not living home yet. We had a meeting to discuss the terms and a plan for moving out of plan B on New Years Eve. I told him he couldn't move back in until he tells me everything and changes contact info. And yes, prepared to go back into plan B. He really doesn't want that.

Good job Fancy.

Has he changed his contact information yet?

Yes. All contact info has been changed.

Excellent! Has your H met the criteria for all the other EP's?

Sadly, no. He says he won't take a polygraph and he won't allow for GPS and spyware etc on the phone. He hasn't told me everything about the affair either. He says he's already done so much to show me he means it especially by taking the meds. I said they are 2 separate issues. He said they are not. I'm going to give him one more day to tell me. I told him I can't move forward without the truth and a commitment for him to allow all other EPs. I told him if he's serious about recovery he'll come clean and do everything willingly. He's always had a problem with people telling him what to do and I told him this time he doesn't get to say no. He doesn't get things his way. If he wants this marriage, he will comply. If not, we can go our separate ways.

Was "one more day" your original agreement?

Didn't you already give him one more day?
I don't think continuing to extend your deadline is going to do anything to motivate him. You need to go back to Plan B. He can contact you through the IM if he ever decides he is serious.

At this point, fancy, I wouldn't entertain any thought of trying to reconcile until after the baby is born. You do not need this drama right now.

I am certain it won't. This has to be a decision he makes on his own.


Exactly. This is the purpose of Plan B: to protect from getting your hopes up - and crushed - possibly over and over again.

It is all on him and there is nothing you can do to make him do it. All you can do is protect yourself from the up and down.

This is a way of him telling you how to feel. It's an extremely common (and devastating) disrespectful tactic around here, I'm afraid.

Don't let him affect you by making you think over whether you should feel he's done enough. Just calmly go dark again until he actually has done enough. You will never be able to make yourself feel like its enough when it's not.

I have to agree with Prisca. You and your baby need to stay healthy. Your H would have already made the decision if he was serious, and he would have decided quickly. I don't think he is serious.

Take care.

My biggest concern is the kids especially the baby. He answered my questions about the affair today. I told him I'm scheduling a polygraph to verify as well. He's not excited about a polygraph.

So now, he's ended the affair, written the no contact letter, we sent it, he changed his contact information, he's given me access to his phone, email, skype and everything else to avoid contact with her. He got tested for STDs. He's agreed to read the SAA book and work the program to repair our marriage and commit to our marriage. We've already started reading it together. He has his counseling sessions scheduled. He's got his psychiatrist appointment scheduled. He has been taking his medications as prescribed. He has agreed for me to be 100% involved in his mental health treatment.

These were all the items I specified in my letter.

We're working out the details of implementing the other Eps such as 24 hour accountability, spending leisure time together, avoiding overnight separation, and technical accountability as described by the book.

He is not yet living at home. Since he has met my conditions as stated by my letter, how should we move forward with having him move back in? I haven/t read far enough into the book. Do we do it gradually? Or should he move back in immediately?

I do think he is sincere this time. I appreciate all your concern, and you all are obviously more experienced with seeing the holes in Waywards. I'm not easily pushed around, and he understands that. We have a lot of work ahead of us.

As for the polygraph, whats typically done is you give him a list of questions that will be asked by the polygraph.
You can only ask three but he may not know that, nor know which questions.

Typically, a lot more truth is often revealed the day before the polygraph

Since you were already on the Radio Show, you can email Dr Harley for follow up advice on this

I like that you are not easily pushed around! You have a good head on your shoulders and you are working your plan very well.

I have a dear female friend that has bipolar. Even on medication, she has big ups and big downs. And pregnancy was really tough on me, and I am concerned about you handling all the extra stress during your pregnancy. If you need to do Plan B until the baby is born, that is fine. You know your limits of what you can tolerate.

It's good that your H has met almost all of your EP's. I think you still need to go to the psychologist on Monday and find out about securing full legal control over his disease and his medications. And, you need to schedule and complete the polygraph. (I hear on the boards about Waywards that confess a lot of extra stuff right before the poly.)

As Jedi said, you can e-mail Dr. Harley for a follow up. Dr. Harley and Joyce are so sweet!

Don't let him move home until he has passed the polygraph.

Okay. I am emailing Dr. Harley and Joyce today. I'll probably ask them for a referral for a certified, reputable polygraph examiner as well. I will not let him move home until he's passed the polygraph. I keep telling him that if he really means what he says that he wants to be committed to the marriage, then he will do all the things I've asked without question. I told him our recovery depends on his ability to fully commit, and if he can't, I have no problem walking away from it. To me, if he doesn't do what I've asked, it tells me he doesn't care about what I think and doesn't respect my position in this marriage to prevent any further waywardness. I want us to have a transparent, successful marriage. If he doesn't comply to all the terms, it tells me he's not interested in doing everything possible to make it work, and I have to walk away.

He said, the book is not the bible. I know it's not, but it's a guide. It's the only guide, I've come across that seems to make sense, and I will do everything the book suggests because of the countless recovered couples who swear by it.

My biggest concern is his mental illness as well. If he doesn't get a handle on managing his MI, there is no way we will be able to implement any of the MB program successfully. He needs to be clear minded and able to reason. I know that bipolar disorder will always be a challenge with ups and downs even with treatment. If he isn't willing to try the treatment and see what he can do to manage it, how can he expect me to stay and be abused, disrespected, and mistreated forever. That is not love. I do not fear for my safety currently, and he's not in a manic state any longer, but he does have residual thoughts about what happened when he was manic. He says he can rationally see that his family and I did what we felt was the best option at the time and we meant to help him by bringing him to the hospital. Although, he sees this as the ultimate betrayal and his reason for why it was easy for him to have an affair. That he detached himself from me and was angry with me and since he didn't feel he could trust me anymore, he needed someone else to rely on and discuss his deepest feelings with. He said she was the only person who wasn't telling him what to do (take meds, talk to a therapist, talk to a psychiatrist, abide by the court order, etc) and she was actually advising the opposite (don't take the meds, you're fine, they don't know what they are talking about). She was/is ignorant to the illness. My fear is that if he doesn't get a handle on the illness and he is frequently unstable, the affairs will only continue because I won't be the person who he wants to go to first, because I'll do what he fears. I would get the professionals involved and he could be hospitalized again.

I hope this program will work for us. The illness adds a whole other layer of complicated issues that make our situation unsteady.

I've contemplated trying not to reconcile until after the baby is born. I don't know what kind of world the baby will be born into with him just starting his medication and just really starting to take his illness seriously. I hope it will be a better place. I am prepared to go back into Plan B for my protection and especially for the baby. I know only I can be the judge of what I will be able to tolerate. He seems to be sincere and I want to give him a chance, but I'm not going to let him yo-yo me around. I know there is potential for him to try to manipulate me and I know I have a limit. I know he's not done enough and he can't manipulate me to feel what he thinks I should. I told him he doesn't get to decide what is important and what isn't. It isn't my fault that he had an affair. These are precautions to ensure nothing like this ever happens again, and it's to hold himself accountable. I will be the judge of when he's done enough.

Sounds like you are doing well! Good thinking on everything!

Let us know how the psych visit goes. Hang in there for now.