When are you going into Plan B?

Hi Lacole;

I suspect your H will be surprised, as you have outlined. You have "trained" him in the past that you will tolerate his abuse without taking action. You will be changing that dynamic with your action of divorce.

Are you all set for Plan B? Intermediary in place?

My H is very selfish and a narcissist. Although he says we should not have married 21 years ago and he has wanted a divorce for years and didn't have the courage (I guess his A gave him the courage).

How do they react to getting served divorce papers? My initial reaction is that he should kiss the ground for finally getting what he has wanted but I'm thinking it may not go over that easy??

Saying u want a divorce and having it actually presented to you are two different things.....

People in affairs ALWAYS act as though they are narcissistic and are selfish. I thought my H was sociopathic at the time. Their foggy minds rewrite history.

Your best tactic would be to completely ignore all his statements and proceed with your plan. Your plan is based on logic while his is based on emotion.

Then get into Plan B quickly.

Talking to lawyer tomorrow. H will be served in days.

In the meantime, he lies around all day an does nothing unless it's for himself.
He moans and groans over being asked to do anything as if he is doing me a favor. He has a house/kids...since when is doing a chore or picking up his daughter from a friends considered "extra"???

He is so cranky and mean. Me and the kids walk on eggshells. He acts like I did something to him...2 months after I discovered his affair he is still completely Unremorseful. Which I just done understand.

My wife was the same way.
Harley refers to this as the "taker in full control"
And that's why its so important to protect yourself legally
Harley says that when the taker is in full control, men will leave their families, cash in funds, buy a sports car etc.

Dont be a victim of his irrational, selfish behavior

He has no idea I'm filing. I fact, he has told his friends I want to stay with him.

The house is in my name and I have protected myself in all other areas.

I just don't understand why he is acting this way. Making it worse on the kids and himself. I truly think he hates himself and is miserable. Making me upset or the kids may make him feel better.

What will he do when he gets served? When he moves out and realizes his target (me) is not there anymore. He thinks he will be happier alone? He is miserable and unhappy...is having an affair and has a life long gambling problem...I just don't see happiness for him.....

Why is he acting this way? Because his taker is in full control.

What will he do when he gets served? Who knows? My wife went in the bathroom and cried for an hour....then went to have sex with OM a few days later.

Lacole:
He is wayward. You cannot reason with a wayward.
The sooner you get on with separation, the sooner you can move on.

I understand that I need to move forward and soon.

Here is just an example of another scenario:

A few weeks back my H told me tbat in hindsight he should not have married me 21 years ago...I reminded him of this comment just yesterday,telling him I thought it was one of the most hurtful things he has ever said. That I gave him 21 years of my life, birthed and raised his kids and he regrets it all happening!!??

He still didn't disagree with this comment weeks after saying it. - I guess he needs to say this to justify his own bad behavior and affair.

Do they ever see the hurt and bad choices once the fog clears?

Usually, not on their own. My fWH doesn't recall the hurtful things he said, or even his most hurtful actions. Bringing them up to him now would only be focusing on the A and I do not wish to waste any more energy on that! (Plus, it is a serious love buster...)

Dr. Harley says many spouses aren't even remorseful once the A has ended. He says that remorse isn't necessary at that stage. (Read Jon and Sue's story in SAA. Sue still blamed Jon for her A, until much later.) However, remorse of the WS will surface after recovery.

This was a very difficult lesson for me to learn. As the BS, I wanted to see signs of remorse in my fWH. I wanted him to know how much he hurt me, to understand why I needed his help in healing. Working with Steve Harley, I realized I was stuck in wanting revenge... for him to hurt as much as I was. But logically, I then realized that would do us no good, and because I care for him, I don't want him to be as hurt as I was. From other threads here, I saw how painful it can be for the BS once the WS really begins to see the extent of their destruction.

This recovery process is not an easy path, regardless of if your M recovers or not. But the alternative is worse.

I am sorry you have been so hurt. My advice is to stop listening to the crazy things your WH is saying. That is not your husband. It is a foggy alien. And get into Plan B as soon as you can. There is true healing for you in Plan B. Until then, he will just keep piling on the hurt.

Dr. Harley says he sees that WW usually never show remorse (just like Sue in SAA), but a WH should come back on bended knee and if the WH doesn't then the BW needs to heed these red flag and protect herself (hence Plan B).

Please get into a dark Plan B to protect yourself.

Any updates from your lawyer?

So H is completely self absorbed :

Makes meals that he wants and only for himself. (He has 3 kids)
Doesn't leave te sofa except to do something he wants. He comes home/leaves without a word to anyone. Can go hours without saying a word to anyone.
Complains about anyone making too much noise, leaving the door open by accident, etc, but never helps, only complains.

I can go on and on....do they ever wake up and see the devastation left behind??

I know this is a very difficult time for you, Lacole. However, you need to get him outta there, and get in to Plan B.

It's after the holidays now...When are the papers being served?

Talked to my lawyer yesterday, he is getting everything done a said it should take about a week till he is served. He needs to set a court date as well so the judge can order temp $$ support.

I told him my husband should be thrilled, exactly what he has wanted for years...lawyer said he will still be mad cause it's not happening on his terms...

Okay, good..
And you KNOW your WH is going to be crazy mad when he gets served...

He shouldn't be crazy mad...he claims he has wanted a divorce for years and regrets marrying me 21 years ago...I am giving him exactly what he has wanted.
Other then him being mad cause he will be served at work and be embarrassed, he should kiss the ground!!!

What will he be mad about???

Lol.
Listen to your lawyer.

Lacole,

Do you have any intention of following Dr Harleys advice or do ypu just want to use this forum as a blog?

I plan on taking any advice that I can...
Pardon me for reaching out to others for advice and to express how I'm feeling...