In this thread there are some questions that posters have used.
Polygraph Testing

Thanks. I've decided I'm going back into Plan B until he's serious, but I'm starting the divorce process just to protect myself. It's too much drama still, and you guys are right, if he really meant it, he'd come back hat in hand ready to do everything without hesitation. Into a super duper dark Plan B.

I think you are very wise to do that. You have a lot on your plate right now, and you don't need to be dealing with a WH who is not serious. Wait until after the baby is born before breaking Plan B again. He can wait.

Thanks, Prisca. I know. Youre right.

HOO-RAY for YOU!!! Way to go, Fancy Girl!! I feel so relieved that you are going back to Plan B. I was worried about you and the babies. It wasn't an easy choice, but you are a-w-e-s-o-m-e for making that hard choice and protecting yourself and the babies first. Prisca is right - your WH will have to get serious and show you that first.

Hugs.

Thanks BlairBluefin. He just won't do everything willingly and that's not enough for me. Gotta focus on the babies. Thanks for the hugs!

Good job Fancy. Get back into a dark Plan B and protect yourself.

Thanks, BrainHurts. It's been 3 days and it has been good. It feels good to take control back of my life.

Good to hear you are doing well. Any extra-fun self-care things you are planning for this week?

just a little shopping and working. thanks for checking in.

Good. Stay with us. When a poster goes into Plan B it can be really tough.

So, WH is saying he is sorry and wants to do everything possible to be back together, blah blah, he'll do everything listed and more and will do anything to get back with me.

I'm kind of exhausted and I don't know how much more I can handle emotionally. I feel like the space is needed before I even think about trying to even think about reconciling. I know, think about thinking. I'm that far away from it right now. I found out that he went to see OW the day we sent the NC letter to "say his goodbyes in person because he was never going to see her again", and he says he realizes it was the worst mistake ever. The problem was he lied to me about it. He told me was just with a male friend for drinks. He had his male friend lie to me as well, when I called to verify info. And when we discussed the details of the affair, I had asked him when the last time he saw her was and he said "the Saturday before Christmas". Lied to my face, again! We had talked about withdrawal and the importance of being honest in case he did slip up and see her or talk to her, but he chose to lie AND have his friend lie. So I did go back into Plan B and it's been a week.

WH is begging and pleading with IM that he's serious this time and really knows he royally screwed up. He tells her that he loves me and he chose me years ago and he wants our family to be back together. I'm not going to break Plan B until there is solid evidence based on actions that he means what he says. But I'm also wondering if I even want to reconcile anymore because I just am emotionally drained and exhausted. I seriously need a few weeks to myself for sure.

Oh and WH suggested a reward system, that if he starts showing me by doing all the things I've asked, that I should allow him to see me, or take me out as things are completed. Are we in 2nd grade? I told IM, he needs to do it all. Ideally, I'd like him to be stable and on meds for 6 months before I know for sure if we can repair our marriage, but he thinks 6 months is too long a time to figure out if our marriage is over.

I kind of feel like he's only thinking about himself too. He told IM that he doesn't know if he can do all the hard work if at the end of it, my answer is a maybe. I feel like he was testing the water to see if he could get back in with me and gradually let her go so there wasn't a gap in having someone around. He's afraid of being alone. Now, he's uncomfortable where he is based on his choices and I sort of want him to be miserable for a while. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I know we're supposed to be together to work through it and work on our marriage, but there have been so many lies. I'm just not sure anymore.

Should I just let him twist in the wind a while? I've emailed Dr. Harley and Joyce to see what advice they can give someone in my situation.

Thoughts?

I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this push-pull crap, Fancy.

It's extremely telling that he's not willing to make the changes and stick to them for a period of time, WITHOUT getting back into your life.

He doesn't seem to realize that he can't possibly stay on this track just because he wants to be with so much, or is terrified of being alone.

His mental health and commitment to your marriage cannot rest on so slender a reed. That will be a disaster.

He's nowhere near ready to reconcile.

It hasn't even been a week. He's caving because he doesn't like you sticking to your word.

Actions, Fancy. Actions.

When was the last time he saw his psychiatrist?

I'm glad you emailed the Harleys back.

He's hoping you'll go back to the old Fancy and give in. Stay strong and keep yourself protected in Plan B.

I absolutely agree, and I'm actually offended that he thinks that I would believe him now. There is nothing that will tell me he means anything without the change happening consistently before I allow any contact.

The day I went back into Plan B, I did tell him I've met with the divorce lawyers and have the papers ready to submit. I don't think he really thought I had it in me. I am really at the point of being okay if he is no longer in my life. I don't need him. I will not be in a marriage where lying and dishonesty occur. I can not. I will not raise my girls in that environment as well. He knows he risks the chance of never bonding with the baby.

Our marriage will not survive his mental illness if he does not get a handle on that first. And then, after that, the affair is a separate issue.

I know he's not ready. I know I'm not ready to try. WALLS ARE UP!

Do you know what his meds are?

So sorry that your WH is being a jerk. How did you find out that WH was still being wayward and lying to you? I hope your IM is keeping you protected in Plan B, away from all the drama.

You are right that you do not need this extra grief to worry about. I wish I could do something to help you. Keep that Plan B tight. Maybe some extra fun self-care things? Take care of you and your babies.

Yes, He is on lithium. 2 pills in the AM, 3 pills at night. He'll have to do regular blood draws to prove he's taking the correct dosage and also to make sure it doesn't become toxic.

He was resistant to taking the Lithium when he was released from the hospital.

He went to another hospital to get another opinion and those psychiatrists gave him Depakote and Zyprexa instead. He read up on those meds and decided that the Lithium was a better option based on the lengthy side effects the other two had. He started on them (again) Jan 2, and has been reporting to IM that he's taking them every day, although the only way to know is when he gets his blood drawn.

My best friend, Christine, who is the OW's SIL, texted me and asked if WH had been out Friday night. I confirmed that he was, since he told me he was out with his male friend. She said there was a post on FB from OW's best friend's page that looked suspicious about two people being lovey dovey and for them to "get a room". It was OW's birthday on Jan 1 so she was having a party at a bar/nightclub Jan 3. She and I decided it was best that I ask WH if had seen OW on Friday, Jan 3.

When he came by to tuck in DD that night, I confronted him about where he had gone. He wouldn't answer my question. This was only a week after I had broken Plan B to try to see how we could get all the terms met, and he hadn't even moved back in yet. He told me he already told me where he went that night and wasn't going to tell me again. I told him I had called his male friend to verify and the story was a little different. He told me to tell me what male friend said. I asked him again where he went Friday night. He said "I already told you, so I'm not telling you again. You obviously have something you want to say, so why don't you just go ahead and say it?" SO I asked him directly : "Did you go see her on Friday?" This is what I got: BLANK STARE. NO RESPONSE!!!!!

I was done. In that moment, I was done. That was last Sunday. I admit, I had an angry outburst. Then I calmly said, "Get out. I am done with you. I have met with the lawyers already. I have the paperwork ready to file. This was your last chance, and you blew it. Good bye." He sat there and cried and begged me to stay and begged me to give him another chance. I was emotionally strapped. Depleted. Done. In my heart, I wanted to believe that the answer would be no, but I knew in my mind that it wouldn't surprise me if it was a yes. And he couldn't have picked a worse time to screw up. I was fed up. This "affair" started 11/2/2013. I can't imagine what those of you who put up with affairs for YEARS went through. I don't know how you did it. I know I can't.

So I tried to get him to leave for about an hour. He kept begging me to let him stay the night and he would leave in the morning. HEck NO! Luckily, my brother was on the way so when my brother got here, he quickly got his things and left.

Now he's crying to IM saying he knows he made a huge mistake but at this point, he's only sorry he got caught, and he's starting to realize the depth of his choices. He hasn't truly repented or felt remorse for what he has done and what he's put our family through. He's still only thinking about himself and about what he'll lose. He only wants to put in the work if he "gets" something out of it. He's not in it for the right reasons yet. I'll let him stew in his misery. He can feel the pain of the loss. And if he decides to continue his waywardness, so be it. I did my best. He is weak right now and emotionally needy. I need him to figure it out on his own that he needs to do this for me and for the kids, not just for himself.