I don't kow how to bring it up when he believes I manipulate with everything, even my desire for him.

I have raised my children completely different than I was raised. Neither of them have been abused. I've never even told them to shut up, although I'm not a permissive parent. I am the envy of most of my friends because my kids are so well behaved, polite and successful. I didn't have good parents but I have surely been one.

the only reason I feel he should try to understand is that even though I've done recovery and moved on when I am stressed like I am right now with the marriage issues it activates PTSD. Our counselor tried to explain that to hm. that I am recovered but unusual stress activates that fear response in me which causes me to panic like I normally wouldn't.

Wanted to see how you guys thought I did this morning with Selfish Demands.

H has an older son that was conceived through a one time session with an ex girlfriend when he was younger. He has supported the child and went to every prenatal appointment but the relationship was over before they hooked up again. He was young and dumb. The woman thought he would change his mind and marry her due to the baby and when he didn't she made his life a living nightmare. She took out injunctions to keep him from going to pediatrician appointments etc and because of the state where they lived and the fact they were not married and this was years ago even a father's rights attorney couldn't help him.

It's a long drawn out story but he's tried his best and he's just not allowed to see the son. I've seen the letters, returned gifts, faxes to the courthouse etc. She has relatives in local govt there as well so that complicates things. He pays his support but has no rights.

I found out that this son is on Instagram. His profile is private but he follows one of the other boys and I just happen to follow him. I asked H what would he think about MY son sending him a request to see if he would accept it so we could see some photos of him. He's not seen a photo since 2009. His mom or neither him would recognize my son's name in connection to his- and my son follows the older boy. All the teens follow other teens they may not know on IG.

Anyway, he said NO! Please don't. I'm afraid to aggravate the situation. I said okay, fine, I apologize for suggesting it. He said "when you ask me a question you can't get mad if I say no" I said "I'm not- I am trying to do things differently which includes not being upset if you deny a request of mine for something" He said "I don't know- are you trying to do things differently?"

It would have been a selfish demand if I got angry he didn't comply right?

Did you listen to this?

I couldn't as I was home and he would have heard. Going to try to do this at lunch.

Why would it be a problem for him to hear it too?

Well I'm not ready to let him know I'm posting here. I posted on divorce busting once and he sniffed out my post and used it against me.

I would be hesitant to post on Divorce Busting.
They do not have the track record that Dr Harley does and do not have a plan to restore romantic love.

Good info. He's not gaming but I see the concept.

Yes, you did well.


As for PoJA, you have to lead by example. Just make sure you adhere to it and wait and see if the example you set regarding PoJA becomes an attractive one to your H. The way to adhere to PoJA is to refuse (respectfully) anything you are not enthusiastic about and to make sure it is safe for him to say no too, when he isn't happy about a decision.

For example, if he brings up that you should have a relationship with your father, just say you don�t want one and simply say it is very important your feelings are respected on this. If he persists, just be firm and respectful.

Similarly, don't try to shoehorn anything on him without genuine enthusiasm. If he is not keen on something, make it a point to permit a no, so he can see the example and experience the effect of having his feelings respected for himself.

If you make sure neither of you subject each other to anything NEGATIVE and avoid poor, reluctant enforcements then you will have prevented lovebusters and lovebank withdrawals.

Once you have mastered that you can progress slowly onto making positive differences by mastering enthusiastic agreements.

Excellent show on POJA.
Radio Clip on POJA
Segment #2
Segment #3

Well I worked on reading the material and starting to eliminate love busters. I guess it didn't work. We had a good day on Sunday I thought. Set some boundaries.

Monday he was sending me some mean stuff about the past. I asked him to take step daughter to his moms and come back and let's talk. He left. Said he would be back. Never came home. Sent me some texts that were raw. I kept asking him to just come home

Tuesday I got a long detailed email asking for a separation/divorce. He sees no way to reconcile. No way to get over his resentment. I talked about MB and how we could use it to fix our marriage. No response. I asked him if there was someone else. He denies it. I can find no evidence. In some investigation I did I see though he has all these websites bookmarked about battered husbands and emotional abusers. He truly believes this of me I think.

An email. I'm devastated. He won't answer the phone. Return a text or email.

Where is he staying?

His parents with the daughter. I know because I drove by at four am the other night.

I told him even a MB weekend or coaching is cheaper than divorce.

I admit I begged and pleaded today. Pretty pathetic I guess.

What happened?

I just want him to reconsider the divorce and work MB. I'm in a lot of pain. He's been gone since Monday with little communication except strictly business since he sent me an email asking for the divorce. An email?????

Today he emailed me about money. He just keeps saying I told you I'd help you and I will. Yes. But you told me you loved me and wanted this marriage.

Anybody?

Sorry, Sundays are slow around here. Let me get a refresh on your thread. I remember relating to your story when you first came. Will see if I can help.

For now, just remember that all is not lost. You didn't get into this situation overnight, and divorces don't happen overnight. So take several DEEP breaths, and try not to share your negative emotional reactions with him. (Anger, frustration, fear, worry, hurt,etc.) Put a SMILE on. This will help him see you in a positive light, without your saying anything.

He may be testing you to see if you are serious about changing. Just reassure him that you want to change so that he can enjoy being with you, and feel happy and relaxed when you are around him and the kids.

I apologize if you already said this, but how long did you date and how long have you been married? Also, did you live together before marrying?

He may have felt that way before, but with the way things have gone, he doesn't seem to want it now. Whether he is just reacting to your interactions or has his eyes on something different, it doesn't matter.you can still work a Plan A.

From what you have said, he cares a lot about his children. He seems to be running scared, after what he has gone through with his previous wives. He may want to nip this negative experience in the bud earlier than later.

When you say that you are a good parent, but treat his (Or your) children in a way that HE FEELS is disrespectful, he probably worries about the future with you. This does not mean that you are wrong, or a BAD parent. But that is not the point. It really isn't about being a good or bad parent. It is about finding ways to parent and discipline that you BOTH feel good about. And this is one example of IB on your part. Moving forward and behaving in a way that causes unhappiness for your partner. If he is not enthusiastic about you spanking the kids, or raising your voice at them, and he tells you, but you continue to do it anyway, (Even if it is your own kids) then you are not following the POJA, and you are doing IB. You are causing unhappiness for your spouse. And I am assuming that he is worried about how you will treat his kids in the future.

If you really want to save this marriage, (and I still don't know how long you've been married and if it's really worth it) then you will need to respect his feelings about disciplining the kids, and find systems of discipline that you can BOTH feel good about.

I would recommend that you read "He Wins, She Wins".