Just updating. I tried to call the wife but she will not pick up. I dont want to call now because i know he will be home shortly. Tomorrow i will try again. My wife and i seem to be doing better. But she keeps telling me she is confused. I hope when i contact the OMW this will unconfuse her.

Thank you all again.

Updating.

I FINALLY got in contact with the OMW. She does not answer unknown numbers so i had to call over and over and over until she did.

So, i had over a 1 hour conversation with her. I told her everything. She explained to me that they were having problems for some time now. And just last night they had dinner at a restaurant to discuss their relationship. they are engaged. They're wedding was supposed to be last september but they canceled because of money issues. She told me that during the dinner, she told him that if they do not fix their problems that she was going to leave. He had to leave the restaurant a few times because he was crying. She said he has been very quiet lately. They don't spend much time together because of his work schedule. (He works 2 jobs with overtime)
She told me that she loves him more than anything and they have been together for 11 years. My wife and I made 9 years last november. It seems to me like he loves his wife, but has grown apart within the years like me and my wife.

My biggest fear is of course, that he was crying because he missed my wife and felt bad about it. I am so scared that he is going to say F it, and walk away from his family. And of course my wife is here, ready and willing to take him in. I really hope their 11 years together and 2 yr old son can help them. I knew this phone call was either going to make us or break us. So here we are.

Can any one tell me what to expect? Pros and Cons?

Affairs must die a natural death.
The best way to speed up the natural death, according to Dr Harley, is exposure.
So you did great by exposing it.

After exposure, the fantasy begins to crumble as it is brought into the light of day.

They may try to divorce and live together....but if he walks away from his girlfriend he will have to pay child support and face shame by family and friends.

Furthermore, most affairs die within 6 months and only 5% make it past the 2 year mark...

So you can bet on it dying.

So she is not his wife. She is his girlfriend. He doesn't have to get divorced, because they are not married.

OM could walk away anytime to be with your WW, but has not.
Your WW is just easy side action for him.

Good job on exposing. She has every right to know.

Did you and the girlfriend discuss this claim? If he is working two jobs and overtime, he could move out and support them from afar. If she has a job she could support herself - I should think that he is only responsible for the support of his child.

My point is that you could have tried to find out whether he is telling her one thing - that the affair was a fling and he would never leave her - and telling your wife the opposite. Doing that is the classic cake-eating married man's ploy.

You haven't given us any impression of how she feels about the affair. Is she tolerating it and seeing what her boyfriend wants to do - giving him "space" to make up his mind, being sympathetic to his so-called mid-life crisis, not pressuring him, leaving him to "fly free" so that if it's meant to be he will come back to her - all that new-age, airy-fairy nonsense- or has she told him that any more contact will result in the end of their relationship? Is she prepared to monitor his activity and report any contact back to you?

Actually, you should have told us at the start that they are not married. All the advice I was giving you was on the basis that he is married. Living together, even with kids, is a very different thing from being married. Marriage is a declaration of permanent legal and physical commitment that we make to the world (and to God, in many cases). Living together carries no such commitment, and the path of living together is chosen indeed to avoid making any such commitment.

He has the freedom to walk away, although the consequences of that would be sad for the chid. However, he knows he has that freedom and hasn't done so.

I seem to remember that it was like pulling teeth to get the full details that we asked for from you at the beginning of this thread, and now it turns out that you did not give us a really vital detail. Please stop doing this!

jj, are you legally married to your wife? Do you have a certificate of marriage?

Just to give you some inspiration, you did the right thing. My WW told me the same crap yours has said:

- I love you but I'm not in love with you.
- I am confused, I need time to decide what I want.
- It wasn't sexual (It later turned out to be, then found out it was oral once and intercourse another).
- She was in love with the guy.
- She told him she loved him.
- She was planning to leave me.

Guess what? This is how she feels now (6 months later)
- I cared about him but it didn't compare to what I felt/feel for you.
- I would have never left, it would have to have been you to leave.
- She can't understand what she was thinking and is disgusted by what she did.

Also, she is the one begging me to stay in the marriage. I am the one who lives with resentment and no longer as attracted to her as she is me. I am the one thinking about leaving because I can't get over the A. Point of the story is; she is dilusional right now (its called the affair fog). You are in control no matter what you think, man up and flex your control if not you are just enabling her selfish, delusional behavior.

jjs424

And of course my wife is here, ready and willing to take him in. I really hope their 11 years together and 2 yr old son can help them. I knew this phone call was either going to make us or break us. So here we are.

You need to understand that your exposure has changed the game. OM can no longer claim that he and your WW got together by some magical accident. They are now seen as naked by the world. No matter how hardened people claim to be they still care about their reputations on some level.

Exposure is the acid which dissolves the bonds of infidelity.
Like acid you have to put it on and wait.

God Bless
Gamma

I don't see that it has either made or broken you. You haven't described it as having made any difference at all. Can you explain, please? Does your wife know about this call, and what was said?

OK, my wife and i are not legally married. We have a 9 year relationship and share the same bond as marriage.

My wife just found out about the call because he called her and told her.
She is pissed! she hit me. she told me i never had a chance to get her back and i never will. She wanted to leave me before she met him. She is scared to be in our house because she doesn't know what he is going to do.

He called me. Threatened me. He said he will be at my house waiting for me because he has my house keys. My wife just spoke to him and confirm he does have keys, he admitted to making copies from her purse. So now i got a situation to handle when i get home.

Don't do anything you will regret. Call the police, explain the threat and maybe phone records can be pulled.

Don't let yourself be victimized and take control. Your wife will get over it now that his true colors come out.

I can't call the police. I live in a neighborhood where men have to stand up and fight like men. We can never talk to the police about anything. Its sad, but i can't back down. I will protect my family at all cost.

I understand wanting to stand up and act like a man but I am worried about what you might do and the trouble you might get into. Think of your child not your pride, if you do something stupid the person with the most to lose is you.

It has nothing to do with your manhood, its about being smart and protecting your family (child). What if you go away and your wife/child end up with the OM. Obviously that is the worst thing possible for you and your child.

I don't agree that you share the same bond as marriage.

You should not have told us you were married when you are not.

She lived with a boyfriend and had a child with him, and you began your relationship with her when she was still with him. She now lives with a different boyfriend - you - and has a child with you, and has moved on to someone else while still living with you.

Yes it is a cycle and it is a terrible shame for the children.

The fact that neither couple in this triangle is married explains a great deal about your reluctance to expose. OM is free to move on and so is your girlfriend; no wonder you were fearful. She clearly does not believe your relationship entails the bonds of marriage even if you do.

Why did you never marry her?

I hope she stays with you because that would be best for the children.

You are going to blindside yourself when it comes to custody and visitation of your child if you do something stupid and violent here. As an unmarried mother, her actions are not legally considered adultery and there is no wrongdoing here - she is VERY likely to obtain custody of your child, and you have no legal rights to the older child.

If she decides to leave you or this relationship goes belly up, your violent actions could cost you dearly in court when it comes to your child. Smarten up here.

I understand you will not call police about her hitting you - well, I don't know how to help you except to say that MB advises separation from a violent spouse.

You need to tell his girlfriend that he is doing all this - copying your wife's keys and now threatening you and planning to wait for you inside your house.

I must say that doesn't sound like the man who was crying when his girlfriend had the long talk with him about their relationship.

I am home with my wife now. She is scared. I'm not. I know he won't show up here. OM is really hurt and wants his wife back. OM wife threw him out. If he is smart and wants his relationship to work he would stay away from my wife. If not then he will lose his wife, and I'll lose mine. My wife is telling me she doesn't want to leave me in the house alone because she doesn't want anything to happen to me. But if he does come that she will call the police to protect me. I explained that she still loves me.

My wife still says she doesn't want to be with me. I know, it's only been a few hours. I am really scared as to what can happen next in our relationship. I hope this turns out well. Any ideas on what I might be facing?

I never married her because I was scared of commitment. I never had a contract cell phone because I was scared of commitment. I'm not anymore. I learned if you want something, commit to it.

Please help me God......

Please don't call her your "wife" when she really isn't your "wife". You are not married to her. Hearing you say that is really annoying to people like me and others who respect the institution of marriage and embrace all the good AND BAD, responsibility and accountability that come from a legal union and commitment.

She is just nothing more than a "girlfriend" who has no obligation to you. She can walk anytime and that's simply what she is doing. Especially considering her past history, there is nothing shocking about it.

I don't have much to say when all 4 people involved here are not married. There is no legal consequences in this case that you could use (except for child support that OM would have to pay OMW) as leverage if you were married.

Good luck.

Please read.
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders