I hope that you don't feel defensive after reading my posts. My husband's personality and behaviors sound very similar to your husband's. We are working very hard to change 20 years worth of habits to create a great marriage.
We had challenges in negotiating, disrespect, sexual fulfillment, angry outbursts, addiction, anxiety, depression, child discipline...but no physical affairs, thank goodness.
What brought things to a head was that my husband couldn't see living the rest of his life with what he felt was angry, abusive, and controlling behavior.
He had never respected or acknowledged my feelings and perspective. It is very common for a woman to freak out, have PTSD, and throw fits to get her husband to pay attention to the hurt. So I understand about crying for 5 hours...(okay maybe not THAT long). Especially when you feel invisible. Like you keep saying something but he doesn't get it or care. Right now, the truth is that he doesn't.
But I do get it. I was not a drama girl growing up, but after years of my perspective and feelings being dismissed, I became one. But I wish that I had known about Dr. Harley and his lovebusters. It puts a name to all those disrespectful ways of acting out of frustration, fear or hurt. You can find new ways of communicating and solving your problems together.
Even if you don't stay married, you can practice eliminating lovebusters and fostering respectful communicating with your family and friends. I have a feeling that yelling must have been common growing up, just like for me. When we have been pushed to the limit, it's like second nature for us to use disrespectful reactions to keep ourselves safe or get others to listen. It really is abuse and control...just saying.
Not defensive at all. I'm actually not the one who yells he is. And I did respect his requests with no spanking. Thank you for responding!!
He's provided the deposit for a place I found after trying to get out of it. He said things like "well even if you were homeless your kids wouldn't be. They could stay with their dad until you got on your feet". I thought "I'm not separating from my kids because you've decided not to be married". He also tried bullying me into a smaller place (this one is not huge). A cheaper place. No he knows I didn't marry him for FS. He barely has any. He does have some retirement he can borrow against if he wants me out.
I wrote a very lengthy apology letter to him via email. Where I addressed everything I did. I acknowledged I do need some therapy for my PTSD. He believes I'm borderline and a host of other things. I offered to see a dr of his choosing and open the report up to him. I'm doing that because I know there's nothing wrong with me except PTSD.
We dated four months. I know. Not long enough. This started three days after the wedding. The withdrawal. The not being who he was before. At that point it was too late to have regrets.
I asked him sweetly to work MB. I asked him to come here and read. Because he's very intelligent and could get behind the brain science. In reality every word out of my mouth seems to be a love buster. He's at his moms. Will only talk via email. I've begged and pleaded.
Today he said we both need closure and it move on. It's just not meant to be. I told him I didn't believe that. I said it could still be great. Why not come home for two weeks-let's start doing MB-since I've already found a place but can't move until 3/1. I said if I'm wrong what have you lost? Some reading time. If I right look at what you will gain.
I said I would devote myself totally to his needs and the kids. I did not make it about what he's done to me. Other than the present hurt of divorce.
I told him I wouldn't contact him until Friday. Give him time to consider. I asked for two weeks. I believe MB can work.
A friend told me she doesn't believe he's done or he wouldn't still engage in conversation about anything I've done to him (what he perceives). Also she said she thinks he won't talk on the phone because he would give in and come home. I don't know.
As it stands I will not beg him anymore. If Friday comes and he says no then I will begin the process of starting over as smoothly as I can.
My last words were to him "I married you in front of God and our children. I took my vows seriously. I said for better and for worse. This is some of the worse. Yet it can be what we dreamed of. I know it can. You can shut me down. Refuse to talk. Divorce me. Yet I'm going to stand for my marriage until the last box is moved. You do what you feel you need to do. I'm standing for this marriage. Until the last box is moved. For better or worse. I meant it".
