Thx all -

Yes- this coming weekend genus moving out.

I had hoped he would handle the conversations with his kids differently then how he has talked with me. That didn't happen. He just rambled on about things that weren't relevant and changed / spun the topic when pressed for answers about things....ie: son asked dad of he liked the OW, after being pressed for an answer, his dad said "no"....I'm thinking, then why are you with her?? This is only confusing my son more!!

He is moving into an expensive apt. Doesn't realize yet that he is going back to court next month for a ruling on financial support. He thinks what he has already offered me will be enough....I guess he feels he doesn't need to pay for his kids food,heat, etc...but, as long as he has a fancy apt and takes care of himself first that is all that matters....

He told my kids he tried so hard, worked at the marriage a lot. But how can he tell them that? He never went to MC, made mistake after mistake, gambled $$ away....is that the definition of trying?? He is trying to fool them, himself or both?

And if he doesn't recognize these things, won't the same patterns and mistakes repeat themselves??

Well hes in the fog.
you need to focus on Plan B preparation.

Hi Lacole;

I am very sorry to see that you are still putting any stock into what he says. He is a wayward. Waywards lie. Period. End of story.

IF he ever gives up his wayward life, AND IF he de-fogs (instead of jumping into another A, or remaining an entitled, selfish man) even he will not believe the crazy things he is saying now.

Since you won't be free of him in your house for another week, you will just have to stop trying to make sense of his babbling. Stop reacting. Stop even listening to him. Can you do that?

How do you know if it's really the fog or if he is thinking rationally?
Is it the fog or is he really just a jerk to the core?

Dr Harley would probably say that he's in the fog, which is another way to describe irrational thinking.

This sounds like a typical affair to me

Well - I guess once he moves out and we divorce it's no longer an affair.

I'm sorry that this situation is so difficult. He's not going to be nice. He's going to act like a typical wayward. Ignore him as much as you possibly can, and don't let him drag you into his nonsense.

Have you read up on Plan B yet? Are you preparing for Plan B? The next few days need to be spent on this so that you are ready for it.

Hugs.

What is your experience of him pre-A? Was he just as much of a jerk? If so, why did you marry him?

If he is in an A, he is not thinking rationally. Affairs are not rational.

I Think I need to Point something out here. But Before I do that I would like to state that it's not OK what your H is doing. Having an A is never OK.

However, from the get go of this thread you have been going from one extrem to the other. Do you behave this way at home as well? You seem to change opinion at a flick of the Dice from one extreme to the other. I don't feel any rationality to you. I Think you need to look Deep into yourself and Think about this. I have a feeling this could be the reason your H wants a D.

You seem extremly set in stone in your idea of how things are or how people should handle things. This is not the case. Everybody handles things differently. Just because somebody doesn't want to go to MC or have a gambling problem doesn't mean that they aren't working on their problems. Your H stayed with you for 15 years. To me that defines somebody who tries realy hard to work on the problem. Now, Before you all bash me for this, he probarbly did not work on the problem in a way that was constructive for him but he did.

Anyways, my Point is that I Think you need to realy dig down and look at yourself and your behaviour. If for nothing else to grow yourself and have a better chance in your next relashionship.

Also, him having an A gives your the right to D him. I'm not saying that your are doing wrong in that, quite the opposite. I could neither tollerate an ongoing A.

I have certainly not been a perfect wife and do I think my husband tried In the marriage? Yes, to an extent.

He did choose to stay after my A. - although used my A as an reason to excuse his own bad choices and behavior. He excused his 30 + year gambling addiction, emotional and verbal abuse, years of lack of drive and unemployment, pawning my wedding rings, etc. - now, he is using it to excuse his A.

Could I have made better choices, yes, are there things I can work on within myself, yes.

My H behavior has only gotten more irrational. I'm sure he feels he tried. At this point it's not work arguing anymore. I filed, I'm done, he is out this weekend.

Would I be lying if I hoped this A didn't work out for him? No. He has brought a lot of pain to me, kids, extended family. - only thinks of himself first which has been clear his entire life. Right now, I don't want to see him ride off into the sunset with his 29 year old gf.

I fully undestand your feelings. I didn't post because I thought you were in the wrong in filing for D or for feeling resentfull. I wasn't defending your H's bad ways either. Just looking into you and trying to have you reflect deeply on yourself for your own good.

"Could I have made better choices, yes, are there things I can work on within myself, yes."

Is not looking deeply at yourself...

I would start by looking at why you change possition from one extreme to the opposite in the matter of a very short time. You are understanding and forgivefull one minute, the next you are bashing your H all while no new things have happened.

Some of this could be because of your "Roller coaster" situation but to me that doesn't explain it enough. Sometimes it seems that you grab the first insight somebody posts and go for that 100% just to completely change insights 1 h later because of something somebody else posted. You flip and flop all over the Place. You need to slow down and gather your thoughts i Think. What do you realy Think? WHat do you realy want? Who do you want to be?

You can't Control your H. It's time to thin about yourself and better yourself. Stop thinking about the outcome of your H's A. Start to work out, get a hobby or something to get your mind to ponder other things. And delve Deep into yourself with the help of an IC.

At this point, I urge you to focus on plan B preparations and worry about self reflection after entering plan B

I thought Everything was set for Plan B already. Anyways it does you no good worrying about your H. Let him come to you if he wants anything. Just focus on you and Plan B.

Lacole,

Just over 4 days now until your H moves out. Do you have a list written out of all the things you need to do for Plan B? Let us know if you have any questions about it. We're here for you.

4 MORE DAYS! Yes, make a list. So much to do. Do you have an IM set up and ready?

Yes - just a few more days until he moves out.
Last night we briefly started discussing the arrangement with the kids after he moves out...very quickly this discussion turned to $ and how he isn't happy I hired a lawyer, I'm wasting my $, etc. I did my best to ignore him and walked away.

Shortly thereafter he came to see me, blasted me again, trying to make me feel foolish, etc, - then 15 min late is apologizing to me through text messages.

How can one go from one extreme to another in minutes??!
He never apologized for the A or gambling and bad choices over the years,but rather blamed the marriage overall, how we wernt ment to be together and he was excited to go out and try life/living on his own.

It hurts that he just can't man up and be accountable. I made mistake and own them. He would rather justify his actions b blaming a bad marriage....
Doesn't make anything he did right and he won't ever get it.

I think he was looking for a weak spot, a way in to control or manipulate me, which I didn't give him....

Good job being strong and not taking the bait from your WH. Remember, he is in a fog right now and nothing he does will make any sense. Don't waste time trying to figure him out.

You're just 2 days away from him moving out. Are you ready for Plan B? Have you started preparing?

I have started preparing....

Aside from NC, I will also be changing the locks, putting a mailbox lock on and joined AAA so I don't have to worry if my car breaks down...haha

If for some reason, I do need to discuss something with my H, I have others I can do this through.

I do have to say...he insists there is no A. That aside from the one kids I saw and the continued texting. I am hard pressed to think that that is all it is and doesn't matter, it's a betrayal. I really believe that unless I caught him having sex with her, he will continue to deny everything/anything......

It's great that you already have an IM ready to go. Are you providing them the link for them to read about being an IM?

Have you started composing your Plan B letter?

lacole,

These next two days Please try to stop focusing on him and on yourself.

Dress spectacular on these days, wear perfume, etc..be sweet and nice.

You want to create a good last memory for him. This is hard but you need to do this until he moves out.

Cook him his favorite meals etc..

can you do this?