First: I am so pleased and excited to have found this site and information presented. This has now and will forever continue to change my life. Currently read most of the website and reading "Surviving an Affair, Dr. Harley" and "You will get through this, Marc Lucado."

Of course I am not here because of good fortune. My situation is similar to some others posted, but I am unsure if the answers they received are the same as I need.
D-Day, Jan 2, 2014. 22 year anniversary Jan 3, 2014. Kids 19 and 16. I will try to be brief so there is not a book for you to read through.

I found that my wife was doing many many things behind my back. I have discovered over 400 texts a day between WW and OM; mostly when she was at work or I was busy with kids. I found 2 hotel room charges on WW credit card (not joint) On nights she was supposed to be working overnight shifts. I found explicit images on her phone sent from OM.

Confrontation begun and has continued for 3 weeks. WW continues to state that I know everything. More and more information leeks out almost daily. She did confess and continues to work on it. WW claims this to be only an EA. "But we didn't have sex!" WW did choose me and broke off contact very soon after D-Day. NC not done yet! Well, not completely to the rules of Dr. Harley; or to my liking.

She claims that the past is behind us and that we should move on and repair. This is my problem. As more details appear, I find triggers and the house falls down. Easily put?

1. Am I just like many others in that the details are important to me because of whom I am rather than their importance?
2. Is proof of Intimacy make a difference in, what is an affair?
3. Does it matter that both parties view Infidelity differently?
4. Am I breaking up the foundation when the only problem is that she has not closed the door to the past by revealing all?
5. I think I found "proof"; and as others stated that is all you need, details not included; but isn't it more important the WW admit and confess all?
6. What if I am wrong and this is all? How to know as the only information is words provided by WW? Which I should not believe.
7. Any others self observed words of wisdom?


Thank you,

Standing alone with no friends or family and feel as if I am building my house on quicksand.

400 texts per day translates to around 12,000 texts per month.

Their connection, at minimum, emotionally and very highly physically too is deeply entrenched. She is only providing Trickle Truths.

Do NOT believe any of what she says!!!

She gas probably taken the affair underground now that she has been busted.

Read the Operation Investigate sub-forum on this site and set up snooping on her cell phone, computer and installing a VAR hidden in her car.

You need to know the truth about the condition of your marriage.

Read through the, "Start Here First" thread at the top of the SAA section.

You also need to know what you can do to correct any past faults you had in the marriage, which is called Plan A.

Please provide more details about your marriage, family, children and work situations so others can provide accurate assistance.

Also, do you know this OM?

How do they know each other?

LTL

400 texts per day translates to around 12,000 texts per month.
Correct!

Their connection, at minimum, emotionally and very highly physically too is deeply entrenched. She is only providing Trickle Truths.
Only from what I find. Nothing has been given up from her.

Do NOT believe any of what she says!!!
This is my problem.

She has probably taken the affair underground now that she has been busted.
Proof actually leads as to not.

Read the Operation Investigate sub-forum on this site and set up snooping on her cell phone, computer and installing a VAR hidden in her car.
Couple Tracker is really good., But I have My Mobile Watchdog. Proved NC.

You need to know the truth about the condition of your marriage.
She claims to want to work on it. But, refers to 3rd point.

Read through the, "Start Here First" thread at the top of the SAA section.
Did. I miss something?

You also need to know what you can do to correct any past faults you had in the marriage, which is called Plan A.
EN - Communication, admiration; building seems to fall in quicksand.

Please provide more details about your marriage, family, children and work situations so others can provide accurate assistance.
Married when she was 16; this was Jan 2, 1992. Son 19 away to college. Daughter 16 Junior in High School. She is RN and works 3 12 hour days a week. Twice a month (supposedly) works night shift. I am IT Nerd and have much time available. I have no family or (true) friends. Had my own apartment when I was 10 and on my own ever since. Navy Veteran, Military Brat, Military raised, Military Mindset.

Also, do you know this OM?
She said "I thought he was a friend of your and then I befriended him which went to far."

How do they know each other?
Related to group of persons we (used to) meet up with to go dancing.

Is the OM married?

I would make an appointment for a polygraph test. She should welcome one with open arms in order to clear her good name and get all the truth out on the table. I would make the appointment and when you tell her, hand her a list of all of your questions and give her one last chance to come clean. Sort of like an amnesty period. But you fully expect her to pass the test afterwards. Most waywards will sing like a canary.

I suspect the affair is not over since she is being so cagey. What is her explanation about the motel charges?

IT is usually a big mistake to ASK a wayward for the truth. It is better to get the facts and then show them that you know. You don't need the confession of a liar to know the truth.

The 1st thread in this section is pinned to the top, called Newcomers, Start Here First.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2695379#Post2695379

That link has D-Dayall the beginner links to learn more quickly. Time is of the essence at the beginning after D-Day.

LTL

1. Some people need the details some don't want the details. Everybody is different. What you need is what you need.

2. Again this varies from BS to BS. For some an EA is not very bad but a PA is. Some Think and EA is worse than a PA. It all comes down to what you Think.

3. Yes it does. But only for the chance of a successfull R. If the WS doesn't beleive it to be an A but the BS does, imagine what the outcome will be. A lot of resentment opn both sides and probarbly a failed R.

4. No she is breaking down the Foundation by not giving you what you need. Actually she already broke the Foundation by having an A. You need a lot of work to rebuild again if it is possible.

5. Again Everything depends on the BS. If it is important to you that she confesses and tells you all then it is.

6. You can't get all. What you can do is have your WW take one or several polygraphs. THat will help you get closer to the truth hopefully but you will never be 100% that you know Everything since you can't trust your WW.

7. Talk to a lawyer to know your rights and be prepared if things go sour. Also Think about what you need from your WW to be able to heal, feel safe and start building trust again. Expose the A far and wide. Tell your kids, hers and your parents, Friends and family. Etc..

She has excuses that lead me to believes.
I exposed to her and she thought of just a friendship.
She still contends that "Nothing happened"
It has continued to evolve and this just makes me worry more.
OM is not married. Homeless (lives with sister) and part-time job.
Polygraph, she is okay with but money is issue.

Hotel, was for him, as he is with family and had "Drama." I explained this does not make since for her to drive 3 hours out of her way and spend gas and time and take 4 hours off work for this. BUT, this leads into; details Do? Do Not? matter? I say hotel with another man is affair, period. But there are many cases, from many people, of friendship acts of kindness that just does not look good.

"You don't need the confession of a liar to know the truth."
Leads me into, difference of EA vs A? Any really other than title? How to get WW to see that? As she wants to quantify to everyone I have exposed this to. (her friends and her parents.)

If she could aford to pay for a hotel twize you can affort a polygraph.

The norm is to calssify and A as EA, PA or both.

An EA is an emotional affair. This means that there is no physical aspect to the affair. So no kissing, no sex, no oral, no petting. However, there is feelings involved. THere might be infatuation, love.

A PA is a physical affair. THis means there is some form of physical aspect to the A. It could be kissing, touching with clothes on sex, oral etc...

The point is that you don't need the admission of a liar to know truth. This is a needless tarpit. Just tell her you KNOW she slept with the OM whether she wants to admit it or not. But lying about it just makes her look much worse.

Tell your family, friends, and children that your WW had a sexual affair with JoeScumbag and met him several times at Motel XXX. The affair went on from XX to XX.

That is all that is necessary. This is not a complicated issue so don't make it more complicated than it really is.

And then if your wife wants to lie to everybody and call it a "friendship" where they just met at a hotel room and read scripture together and sang praise songs to Jesus, then let her make an [censored] out of herself. When she says it was a "friendship" just roll your eyes and say "good grief.."

I would add his sister to your exposure list. Be sure and expose the affair to everyone YOURSELF without telling her first. Include your children. And don't mince words. Just tell them it was sexual affair and you have the hotel bills.

What Mel said x 2. Hotel bills and this ^^^^ Do you have the pics still?

Sorry you are here but welcome to MB.

Okay, so exposure complete.
Facts I have are good enough.

In SAA at chapter 7, First Steps.
Any advise? How to possibly leave behind and NC, no discuss the past?

Tricks to saying I have triggered and need a walk? I do not want to love buster in this case. But as this is new, am very nerve shot and unsure.

huh? What do you mean by this? What did you do to whom?


You are putting the cart before the horse. Lets discuss your one line "exposure."

I have been exposing in trickle (for help) to some.
Just did FB and Text to others. Although some are with her understanding that this EA is just a hump. All are on board in helping and understanding we are in Repair.

Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of XXXX and I. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that she has been carrying on an affair with XXXX who resides in XXXX. This was carried on behind my back from September 2013 unti January.

I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my Love, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with XXXX to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage. If you desire any further information, please feel free to contact me.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

Warmest regards,
XXXXXXXX
*************************
Replies in kind of: here for you, prayers with you...
Did get a few that did not like the facebook notice. But have not had any negative.,.
WS was in full agreement to pursue action as to move on (after I did on my own). At least just for me.

I would take a more serious approach and contact her parents, close family, friends, and most importantly, your children.

What about the OM's sister?


Let her know that "moving on" will begin once she confesses the truth. Tell her you know the truth and need her to stop lying. The lying is making recovery impossible.

Huh?

An EA? You don't have full disclosure yet so no you don't just stop talking about the affair forever. Have you told your children or confronted OM?

The purpose of exposure is to get the TRUTH out there. It is not an "EA." That is a lie.

Nobody goes to hotel rooms to just "chat" with anybody. This is clearly a PA.

Why aren't you following the plan laid out in the Exposure 101 thread, which has been linked for you??