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Originally Posted by kingsrr
Okay, so exposure complete.
Facts I have are good enough.

In SAA at chapter 7, First Steps.
Any advise? How to possibly leave behind and NC, no discuss the past?

You can't move to the next steps until you have killed the affair first. I don't see any sign that this has been accomplished, yet...

You are doing just enough to motivate your WW to throw some crumbs at you and take the affair further underground.



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Originally Posted by kingsrr
Facts I have are good enough.

You are still calling this an EA, when she has been caught sneaking to a motel with him. How can you have the "facts" if she is still lying to you?



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Trying to not be to specific.
WS is compasionate, comforting. Typical with no desire for intamacy. I am Nerd, very much in need of comfort and acceptance. However also Military; yell and argue. (used to)

I have facts and proof that WS was getting EN from another, possibly more. This is enough for A. She is in complete joint agreement we call this an Affair and has tried to provide all details she can remember. I may not understand (as being a male) but do follow the logic of events and concide that we had problems and things must change. I beleive the advise is well taken that either EA or PA is still an affair. This I think is a great joint agreement.

From advise given: "quite making this more difficult."

The tough part is the male in me that believes everyone wants physical contact.

At any rate, there is positively NC with OM. WS is regretful and wishes to work on marriage. This is a positive and very difficult with my nerves and beliefs in the way.

Mostly here looking for my femine side to recover. Ideas, insights, wisdom as to calm my nerves.


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The best way to calm your nerves would be to follow the recovery plan in Surviving an Affair by Dr Willard Harley

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Affair KILLED, trust me; KILLED. NC letter not sent but message clear. He was left a voicemail and sent a text. OM is not to be found for the last few weeks. All I can do is keep up on her openess now. WS is letting me in on all aspect of "guarantee no contact" as per SAA. Tracker on her phone now, My Mobile Watchdog. WS is not happy but understands and will do whatever it takes.


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You did a good job sending that letter but you need to make sure everyone else gets it tonight, specifically:

OM family and friends.
your family and her family.

You need to do this tonight.
Have you done a criminal background check on OM?

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Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
The best way to calm your nerves would be to follow the recovery plan in Surviving an Affair by Dr Willard Harley

X2


Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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Originally Posted by kingsrr
I have facts and proof that WS was getting EN from another, possibly more. This is enough for A. She is in complete joint agreement we call this an Affair and has tried to provide all details she can remember. I may not understand (as being a male) but do follow the logic of events and concide that we had problems and things must change. I beleive the advise is well taken that either EA or PA is still an affair. This I think is a great joint agreement.

The policy of joint agreement does not apply here and you are not in recovery. This is a physical affair. She went to the hotel with the man and had sex with him.

Helping a wayward perpetuate a lie is called ENABLING.

Therefore, you should tell everyone the truth: that she had an affair with [give his full name] and they met at a hotel several times.

Quote
The tough part is the male in me that believes everyone wants physical contact.

I woulf focus rather on what is true. What is true is that they had sex in a motel.

Quote
At any rate, there is positively NC with OM. WS is regretful and wishes to work on marriage. This is a positive and very difficult with my nerves and beliefs in the way.

True regret is not demonstrated by lying. Her actions negate your words.

Quote
Mostly here looking for my femine side to recover. Ideas, insights, wisdom as to calm my nerves.

We can help you with a very masculine program of recovery. But it starts with the truth. You have to start telling the truth if you want the truth from her. If you want her to tell the truth, then you should stop telling silly stories about how a physical affair is an emotional affair.

Helping a wayward perpetuate a lie is called ENABLING.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by kingsrr
Affair KILLED, trust me; KILLED. NC letter not sent but message clear. He was left a voicemail and sent a text. OM is not to be found for the last few weeks. All I can do is keep up on her openess now. WS is letting me in on all aspect of "guarantee no contact" as per SAA. Tracker on her phone now, My Mobile Watchdog. WS is not happy but understands and will do whatever it takes.

That is good. Now if you would stop enabling her silly, unbelievable story about the affair. That only emboldens her to be a liar and I doubt that is what you really want. The policy of joint agreement has nothing to do with perpetuating lies for a lying wayward.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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**I do not know how you guys do that quote thing.
"OM family and friends.
"your family and her family.

All notified. Stated it was an A (over now) and we love each other.


"Helping a wayward perpetuate a lie is called ENABLING.

As stated in first post. This is not a normal situation. I do believe that she could take a 5 day cruise with another male and never touch him! Please understand that if given the specifics you would see what I mean. She did realize that in hindsight the OM was trying PA and she didn't provide. But did also wake up and realize that the friendship turned to EA (still and A) and needed to stop! She has stopped and is trying to help me see that the A is over. I do believe that the A is over and was really trying to get my head around EA vs PA.

Putting things simple, it was an A, WS confessed, WS provided details. We want to work on this.

I hope you understand that I am trying to make matters clear. Without clarity I cannot expect anyone to provide understandable advice. I have talked to others around me, but yet to understand and assist as you all have.


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If she didn't have sex then she should be very willing to take a polygraph.
The issue is honesty and you need to know; she could have AIDS for all you know right now...

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Kingsrr,

Can you really imagine yourself 10 or 15 years from now still believing that there was no sex?

If your WW is telling the truth she will be more than willing to take a polygraph.

Also your WW needs to be tested for STDs before you have relations with her again.

Without honesty you will not recover your marriage.

God Bless
Gamma

Last edited by Gamma; 01/27/14 10:27 PM.
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Yes, WW will take poly. Just paid mortgage so don't have 500 to ease my mind.


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Here.
Polygraph Testing

Have you and your WW been tested for STD/I?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by kingsrr
**I do not know how you guys do that quote thing.
At the bottom of each post there is a link to click to "quote". It is easy and helps us to understand what you are referring to.

Originally Posted by kingsrr
All notified. Stated it was an A (over now) and we love each other.
Affairs are never just "over now". By not following the plan exactly, we run the risk of going years into our lives and having the same ugly truths suddenly rear their heads. On the other hand, for those that follow the recovery plan, most report that their marriages are better than ever within two years! And it doesn't take two years to start seeing the progress when both are working together.

I hope that you will heed everyone's warning not to bury this, get that Poly, it is way more important than any bills that are due.
Originally Posted by kingsrr
As stated in first post. This is not a normal situation.
*Every*single*affair* on here follows the "normal" situation of the wayward's mind. Fog. All lies. Until the fog has cleared, which takes 6-8 weeks to begin clearing. I've yet to read a single story that is unusual or different. I've only been reading here for 7 months though, so I admit that I may be wrong.


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I just get nerves going crazy every day. Good at night after we connect, bad during day when alone with brain.
Techniques?

Fog- 3 weeks now.


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Originally Posted by kingsrr
I just get nerves going crazy every day. Good at night after we connect, bad during day when alone with brain.
Techniques?

Fog- 3 weeks now.
We all get nerves going crazy every day after we discover that we are betrayed. We feel like we can recover one minute, and then think that we want to divorce the next minute.

Once your WW comes clean on all of the details, and once she ends contact and comes out of the fog, THEN she will start to show empathy for your feelings and will do what she can to re-assure you.

Actually, there are some wonderful techniques for dealing with the mind memories. I am not on my normal computer, so can someone else please link?

Fog - 3 weeks now�sorry to say that the clock starts only once there is certain NO CONTACT. We went six months into "recovery" and then my H left only a message on the affair partner's answering machine, and the clock re-started because the fog was THICK as pea soup from his only hearing her voice.


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Originally Posted by kingsrr
I found 2 hotel room charges on WW credit card (not joint) On nights she was supposed to be working overnight shifts. I found explicit images on her phone sent from OM.


Two hotel receipts just to talk.

Hotel room
What room
They don't need no stinkin' hotel room to talk

Your WW is trickle truthing. She is only admitting to what you can prove.
She is still denying what happened, which is they had sex.

Have you noticed all the people here are saying they did not just talk?

Get that poly ASAP. Have a garage sale to get the money if need be.

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Originally Posted by BlindSighted2013
We feel like we can recover one minute, and then think that we want to divorce the next minute.

Once your WW comes clean on all of the details, and once she ends contact and comes out of the fog, THEN she will start to show empathy for your feelings and will do what she can to re-assure you.

Is seeking medical for AD worth the time and money?

WW did a session of honesty and reveal. WW says more than sorry and pretty much willing and is doing anything she can. Which is one reason why I want to believe I have the whole truth. The other is the facts I have surrounding the hotel visits do fit with her details. NO SEX! I know this is hard for any man to believe, but many women agree with NO SEX! Her parents also believe there was NO SEX!


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Get ADs and a poly. I am a woman and think your wife had sex with OM. You will be wasting time and energy until you have the truth. Your wife is lying.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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