I reemphasize what Dr. Harley and MelodyLane says: get him out NOW and then you have time to sort out the other stuff later from a guaranteed safe place. I declare, you're in the middle of a blazing fire and wanting a polygraph to prove how ferocious and close to burning you it is.

There is nothing of value that's lost if you get him out now.

What do you mean?
The polygraph is scheduled.
The therapist is scheduled.
The exposure letter is being sent tonight.
I'm doing what I can. You will have to wait until Tuesday to hear he results as that is the earliest he could do it.

I hope to be proven wrong.

blackbird, why can't he leave tonight? He can go to a motel and you can get a decent night's sleep so you have a clear head to talk to your children. This would be a tiny gesture that he could do for you after all he has done. Please have him leave tonight and get some rest.

He can prove he is innocent while staying at a hotel!

I find it appalling that there is chance he may be harming your children, and yet you see no need to protect them tonight.

Yet you have done NOTHING Dr Harley told you to do. He told you to separate. He told you expose the affair. You have had ALL DAY to do these things.

Has he moved out?

Have you told your children? {ALONE}

Have you rewritten your exposure letter to include the fACTS and have you sent it?

You absolutely SHOULD NOT include your husband on any exposure. He gets NO INPUT and he certainly should not be with you when you expose to your children. If your children need to tell you something, they will not feel free to do that with him there.

BBF, your husband has admitted to drugging you, raping you and showing pornographic images of you on the internet. He has also admitted to molesting a toddler. A man who will do these things is a danger to all, including his own children, even IF he has not yet touched them.

It concerns me that you don't understand the severity of your husband's crimes against you and the danger that he poses to women and children everywhere.

It concerns me that you are involving your husband in all of your plans and decisions, right down to having him edit the exposure letter.

It is important that you separate from your husband IMMEDIATELY for your own personal safety. Please do NOT wait until Tuesday.

If your husband becomes convinced that he can't deter you from discovering and exposing his crimes, your very life could be in danger. What is to prevent him from drugging you to the point that you won't even wake up?

Please separate now for your own physical safety and that of your children. Separation will not in any way prevent you from getting a polygraph, and it will not prevent your husband from getting counseling. It WILL give you the space you need to think clearly about how to proceed.

And please do NOT send your husband to your parents' house or the home of any friends/family members. He is better off in a hotel room where none of your loved ones are placed at risk.

Oh no. It takes much, much longer than one week for a person to make radical changes in their lifestyles. It takes at least a YEAR. And that is only *IF*, I mean *IF*, he has PROVEN he has made radical, permanent changes. Leaving for a week is silly. That is not what Dr Harley means by a separation. Your husband can't possibly make radical changes in his life in one week. How ridiculous.

It is true that you are more concerned about enabling a sexual predator than you are in protecting your children.

If it turns out that your husband has been molesting your children, you will be held criminally liable, I hope you know. All of these excuses and rationalizations like "I don't believe he would do that!" will not fly in a court of law. If he is molesting your daughter, you may find yourself in jail as an accessory to the crime for failing to protect her.

There is a point where one crosses the line from gullibility into criminal negligence. I would say you crossed that line long ago, my friend.

Agreed!!

I clicked notify on my post. Can a mod please delete my thread, I'm sorry. It was a mistake to write. I'm sorry.

Before you go, why do you feel it was a mistake to write? All we're saying is that your circumstances call for a separation now and figuring out the truth during the separation. Dr. Harley said you would probably start thinking more clearly after one week and separation shouldn't end until your husband proves he's safe, in everything. Will you at least give you and your children that chance? Right now, you don't owe your husband the benefit of a doubt. Don't you think it's okay for right now to err on the side of precaution, of safety? Just in case?

You were Right to write. It was very courageous of you. I hope you will now have the courage to act on the advice Dr. Harley has given you.

I am a long time lurker and believer in the Marriage Builders philosophy but did not plan to post here until today.

Blackbird, I AM a woman who was molested by my father at age 2. I remembered it. Even if the child doesn�t remember the damage is still there. The suffering is hell. The consequences are lifelong.

My father was much like your description of your husband. The stories differ some. My father hurt many people; ruined many lives. And my mother did nothing. She had many excuses why she stayed. She thought he deserved another chance because he too had been hurt. She stayed until he left her after 50 years of marriage for another woman.

I promise you that your children know more than you think. I cannot know if your children have been molested, but I guarantee they are hurting.

My father was a psychopath. Your husband�s behavior seems much the same.

No one gets out unscathed.

I implore you to make your husband leave NOW. If he will not go willingly call the authorities NOW.

Save your children from the suffering I experienced. After a time apart you will begin to understand what everyone is saying.

As a mom whose children have been molested, I have some inkling of the damage this does. One more time is one time too many.

Our neighbors across the street just lost their kid a few weeks ago. The stepdad physically abused the boy, and the mother failed to protect him. Now neither one has him.

How do you want your story to end?

Please understand BlackBird that we are trying to help. The sad truth here is that far too many of us have been touched by what you're dealing with; far too many of us wish we had someone to point out the red flags before it was too late; far too many of us are dealing with the heartache you feel right now. We are not trying to bash you for being a terrible mother. I know the strength it takes Blackbird!!

-You can't imagine where he would have done it.

-You can't imagine how he could have done it.

-You can't imagine why your children would have never said anything.

-You can't imagine why you wouldn't have noticed.

-You can't look him in the face and honestly imagine how he could have even crossed that line.

I understand, trust me, I do. Your head is spinning a thousand different directions thinking what if...

That is where you need to start. If there is even a tiny minute possibility in your mind (and I can read that there is) you owe it to your children to take it seriously. So many pedophiles get away with it because adults don't believe. Yes you will have your proof on Tuesday but until then, for the sake of your children, take it seriously. If he passes the test with the question about them, then you can take a deep breath. Until then please, I urge you, take this seriously. He needs to leave now.

You made no mistake posting here. We are here to see that you have a happy healthy recovery but there are just too many red flags to ignore. Please don't ignore them any longer.

"But I thought he was only hurting/hitting/raping me. He never told me he was abusing the kids too. "

"I thought he only abused other people's children"

"He told me he was done abusing children. I thought therapy would work"

"I thought he was only abusing children online. Not y'know ... real sex."

I am a court reporter. I take down these (highly incredulous) words very often. You can imagine how they are received by a shocked courtroom.

Most abusers live in the homes of the children they abuse. Their children. You won't see these stories in the press, because the protected identities of children mean the identities of the parents are also protected. But the most common situation is identical to yours.

In cases where the mother, like yourself, knew they were exposing the children to experienced sexual predators, the above quotes are the types of things they say. They are... lost.

One grown up victim said she never told her mother because she had no confidence in her. She said her mother knew he was an abuser. She said she had seen her mother being raped often. Sound familiar?


It's exactly true.

They are in danger and you refuse to protect them because you don't want to separate from a habitual and dangerous sex offender.

You've put your feelings first.

BBF - I am not just speaking to you from the abstract. I have a brother in law who spent eight and a half years in prison for molesting a two year old, yet he never drugged and raped his wife. Your husband is a serious threat to your children.

He admitted to fondling a toddler and now lives with children. He RAPED you while you were sleep and said he did it on a national radio show. Then to add insult to injury he put it on the internet and your best defense is that he wouldn't do that to his children?! Logically, why wouldn't he? He is escalting and your helping him do it. I understand your world is upside down right now but you need to get that predator out of your house and the best way to do is to alert the authorities.

By reporting him you aren't putting him in jail, his actions did that. You cant control him but you can protect yourself and your children, your treading on thin ice here and could go down with him. Put your children first! If he won't leave you leave, go to a friends house, family, tell them whats going on. You need support!