This past Thankgiving I found out that my wife is no longer interested in being married. A complete shock! We did have our issues but, at the time, seemed small enough to deal with. I also found out that she was carrying on an emotional relationship with someone out of state. (Thank you internet and smartphones for making it so easy) Another shock! And then uncovering the lies. Several lies. Cover up after cover up.
My wife and I have been married almost 11 years with two kids. She was my rock. The person that I've trusted the most. My teammate....my #3(after my girls). She still is.
Im not the best typist, I'll keep this short. I want to fix what has been broken. After reading alot of Dr. Harleys writtings, I know now the mistakes that I've made. My wife is reluctant to fix anything. She seems to be checked out of the marraige. Even though I ask her if divorce is what she wants, her answer is always "I dont know". So, then....please, wife!!!....try with me!!! Still reluctant. Other quotes: "I'm confused", "I think I need someone to talk to just to get me going(head out of clouds)", "Yes, I love you." She says that I've played the guilt card because I told her if you dont try to fix our marraige for me, then do it for the girls.
There is much more detail to this but like I said, Im no typist...slow and horrible.
I believe Dr. Harley said in one of his videos that it's not too late to fix your marraige. Well? What about mine? Where do I go from here?

Hi Fox, welcome to Marriage Builders. You are in the right place. Dr Harley would recommend that you expose her affair wide and far. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposure is your most potent weapon. I would go read the thread that is linked in my signature and come back and we can help you with next steps.

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Surviving an Affair-Start Here First

Who is OM? Is he married?

Thank you for responding. I read the link you posted. Here's her situation. She has no family in this state. No close friends. One friend at her work that she's known for a year. What family that I have left became hers. She seems to be right at the doorstep of divorce. Would full exposure do any good in this situation? I called her out on it about a month and a half ago. This is an internet affair. There are no more phone or txt messages now. I'll never know if she still communicates via smartphone(echat,email). She said the relationship has been cut off. Of course I'd like to believe her but my trust is gone. The only thing I have left is hope and what we have together. Our family. She has been grumpy like a kid that has been grounded. I just dont know anymore. Thoughts?

I would most certainly expose, but it sounds like you need to do some snooping first. Who is the OM? Is he married? Does he have a facebook page? HOW does she communicate with him?

Are her parents still alive? She has NO family? Or no family in your state?

That's quite typical and to be expected.

Exposure is the best medicine. Who are the people who would have the most effect on her?

Even if her family are estranged or far away - you should still expose to them. It's surprising how effective it can still be.

Who are her best friends?

Exposure to OM is mighty effective too and muist not be overlooked. If you expose it to his world she can never go there. Daydreams of a future are instantly killed. She can never join him and pose as an innocent separated/divorced person once everybody knows.

Plus his family/BW/Married friends need to know what he is capable of to protect themselves from him.

A Betrayed Spouse has a moral obligation to warn the other BS completely aside from the amazing exposure side effects it will have for them personally.

It's useful too to tag team with the other BS to make sure No Contact (NC) is in place as well.

Wow, your subject line is the best description ever of what it's like to be married to a cheating spouse: "Doing my best might not be good enough." That's exactly correct! That's why fighting an affair needs a two-pronged approach: being the best husband you can be to win your wife back to the marriage AND fighting the affair. Gather enough evidence to give to people to show what is happening and then let the truth out to everybody in your wife's life (and everybody in the other man's life).

Meanwhile, be the most pleasant husband to be around that you can possibly be. (One tip - make wife #1, not #3. Putting children ahead of marriage does children no favors.)

Get the book Surviving an Affair and read it as soon as possible. You can get the ebook version from Amazon and start reading it immediately on your computer. It's a quick read.

Also, view this video from Dr. Harley on infidelity:
[video:youtube]m8QKOUbosNo[/video]

Foxinsox72,

One reason for exposure, especially of the OM, is that the OM is not the kind of person you want around your daughters at any time in the future. So you need to expose OM and drive him away and make him understand you will defend your daughters.

Your WW has a fantasy world in her head built around OM and will not be able to see the danger a non-biological parent figure presents to children.

This is from Dr Phils website so you can question its' validity, .....

A child with a biological mother who is living with a man who is not the child�s father is 33 times more likely to suffer abuse. (Source: Dreamcatchers for Abused Children)

God Bless
Gamma

Read that line a few dozen times. No truer words can be spoken. Your wife is not just checked out of the marriage. She is checked out of reality. She will likely be very angry when you break up her fantasy, but that is what you have to do.

Would I be exposing this to my friends and family? Hers? Everybody? For example, on my FB page? Like I said. She has NO family in this state. No close friends. The 3rd person involved is 2400 miles away. The majority of her family are addicts of some kind. I really don't think they would care. She was brought up in a very unstable environment as a kid. She is truly a diamond in the rough. Would exposure help or harm my situation? I'm confused now.

Exposure targets
Parents of all concerned, family, close friends, children of the BS, workplace [if a workplace affair], spouse of the affair partner, pastor. Facebook friends of affair partner.

You never know what people's response will be. Equally you don't know what your WW's will be to their response. So you have to make a list of the best targets.

Never omit the family in my opinion, regardless of the calibre of the relationship. I know of one wayward who despised his drug addict mother. When she reached out to tell him she APPROVED of the affair - he had his road to Damascus moment and saw the light.

I would expose to close family members just in case. If she has no close friends, I would chose any couple friends the two of you have. Respectable, preferably married types whose knowing about it might shame her.

You don't have to expose to every friend. Handpick the closest. Chose friends of yours whose support will come in handy.

Your family should be exposed to. If your family is now her family, then they are definitely to go on the exposure list.




So? They are still a person with exposure targets attached to them. If your WW was to resume the A she could go there and start an entirely new life exploiting their blissful ignorance. Even if she is never really going to, kill the daydream she undoubtedly has. Make her feel their anger and disgust.

Is there a BS?



It is impossible for the truth to make a secret, shameful, conniving situation worse. Bringing it out into the sunlight kills the mould of the affair. Adulterers never expect people to find out and the fantasy only survives in the dark, away from the natural disgust of others. Some exposures are more successful than others but keeping it secret is always harmful.

I'm new to MB....what is BS? Rookie question I know

I'm new to MB....what is BS? Rookie question I know

BS = Betrayed Spouse

Also, would this make her the outcast of the family?

Dr. Harley always recommends exposure.
The purpose is to (1) Bring the affair into the light of day and (2) provide support for the betrayed spouse.

As other have said, family, friends, clergy, must all be exposed to.

Hopefully, concerned pro-family people will call her and urge her to end the affair and work on her marriage.Your other option is to keep it a secret, which only enables the affair to continue.

Exposure always helps. You would expose to any family member of hers that could help. It does not matter what state they live in. Of course, you wouldn't want to expose to a family member who is a loser.

In your case, you could expose to your family and the OM's family. Does the OM have a facebook page?