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Did you follow Dr Harley's instructions and expose his behavior and separate from him? Did you also expose to your children? I don't want to separate long term....but sleeping arrangements will definitely be a long term separation. I realize that's the way it has to be. The idea is to separate from him until you have evidence that he is safe. The kids we were much more vague towards, IF the polygraph shows evidence there could possibly have been an offense towards them (which I don't expect) then definitely a much more detailed conversation will happen. But they know he has done wrong things and he needs to move out until he goes to see somebody. I can be safe if he is locked out. And my kids are safe. We had a very enlightening conversation...I always thought me being helpless was what did it for him, but it's not. He has a completely different fetish (I guess you'd call it) and it makes me feel even more confident the kids are safe, any child is safe...but of course the polygraph and therapist will help determine what the best plan is.
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WE had another wayward spouse who "exposed" himself to family and of course he glossed over and minimized his actions as most waywards do. Dr Harley instructed his wife to do the exposures: It's not a good idea for the unfaithful spouse to expose their own affair, or even join the betrayed spouse when the affair is to be exposed. The betrayed spouse should do it themselves for the reasons you have already mentioned. There's not much hope without EPs in place. Oh trust me it is exposed. He told my mother to her face with me sitting in the room, and wrote and sent the email to his family with my supervision. I was very specific that there was to be no minimizing language or missed details.
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Did he move out?
Did you tell your kids the truth? Dr Harley advocates telling the kids the full truth. Giving them vague hints at the problems only confuses them and leaves them more vulnerable to your husband.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Oh trust me it is exposed. He told my mother to her face with me sitting in the room, and wrote and sent the email to his family with my supervision. I was very specific that there was to be no minimizing language or missed details. Do you have PROOF his family even received the email? Did you know their email address? Did they respond?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Did you follow Dr Harley's instructions and expose his behavior and separate from him? Did you also expose to your children? I don't want to separate long term....but sleeping arrangements will definitely be a long term separation. I realize that's the way it has to be. The idea is to separate from him until you have evidence that he is safe. That is not going to happen overnight. The kids we were much more vague towards, IF the polygraph shows evidence there could possibly have been an offense towards them (which I don't expect) then definitely a much more detailed conversation will happen. But they know he has done wrong things and he needs to move out until he goes to see somebody. I can be safe if he is locked out. And my kids are safe. We had a very enlightening conversation...I always thought me being helpless was what did it for him, but it's not. He has a completely different fetish (I guess you'd call it) and it makes me feel even more confident the kids are safe, any child is safe...but of course the polygraph and therapist will help determine what the best plan is. Fetish? It sounds like hi a drugging and raping you has really been downplayed. As for the children, continuing to lie to them won't help anything.
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Oh trust me it is exposed. He told my mother to her face with me sitting in the room, and wrote and sent the email to his family with my supervision. I was very specific that there was to be no minimizing language or missed details. Exactly what was said to your mother? And why didn't you tell your mother and have him on the same phone line with you?
W (me) - 40
H - 44
M 15 years, 2 kids
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I am very happy to finally not be alone though. To have support is wonderful, it am so glad to not be carrying such heavy secrets anymore. Glad to see you back, blackbird...and glad you exposed to get support from your family.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I don't get the sense you are really separated. Did he actually move out?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Oh trust me it is exposed. He told my mother to her face with me sitting in the room, and wrote and sent the email to his family with my supervision. I was very specific that there was to be no minimizing language or missed details. Is there a reason you would not do this yourself? What exactly did he tell these people? I just really felt that I wanted him to. I can't explain why. He told them what needed to be told. Specific details about what he has done to me the past 4 years...even the internet, drugging, and everything....and also the molestation. They know he is getting a polygraph, they know everything.
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She said he moved out Friday. She was sitting in the room with her mom when he exposed himself to her mom so why would he need to be on the phone? 
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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She said he moved out Friday. She was sitting in the room with her mom when he exposed himself to her mom so why would he need to be on the phone? I am asking her, not you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She said he moved out Friday. She was sitting in the room with her mom when he exposed himself to her mom so why would he need to be on the phone? I am confused also.
W (me) - 40
H - 44
M 15 years, 2 kids
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I don't get the sense you are really separated. Did he actually move out? Yes. I am lying in my bed alone right now and he is not in this house.
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Oh the conversation with my mom happened before he actually left on Friday. We hadn't talked to the kids yet so he stayed until they got home, we talked, had dinner, etc...then he left.
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I don't get the sense you are really separated. Did he actually move out? Yes. I am lying in my bed alone right now and he is not in this house. ok, that is great. Where did he go? Does he still have access to the house?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't get the sense you are really separated. Did he actually move out? Yes. I am lying in my bed alone right now and he is not in this house. ok, that is great. Where did he go? Does he still have access to the house? He is at my parents, and he does have access but he is very respectful of me and is letting me lead on contact. He obviously would rather be here, but is willing to stay away as long as it takes.
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It's a start! I'm very happy to see you back. DO NOT let him come home at this time. You said the poly was this week...which day did you schedule it?
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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He is at my parents, and he does have access but he is very respectful of me and is letting me lead on contact. He obviously would rather be here, but is willing to stay away as long as it takes. I think it would be very helpful if you wrote Dr Harley and let him help you in deciding WHEN your husband should be allowed back. Dr Harley could determine when he is no longer a danger.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't get the sense you are really separated. Did he actually move out? Yes. I am lying in my bed alone right now and he is not in this house. ok, that is great. Where did he go? Does he still have access to the house? He is at my parents, and he does have access but he is very respectful of me and is letting me lead on contact. He obviously would rather be here, but is willing to stay away as long as it takes. Other than your parents, who else did you expose to? Are your parents willing to let him stay more than a week or two? That would be hard.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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It's a start! I'm very happy to see you back. DO NOT let him come home at this time. You said the poly was this week...which day did you schedule it? It is Tuesday. If he passes with flying colors I would like him to come home but sleep separate obviously. After finding out his actual motivation for what he did to me, I am 100% confident he is not into kids or interested in kids. It is me specifically. Obviously, I am STILL doing the test, but sleeping separate with a locked door is the main precaution. For the first time I threatened legal action if he thinks of touching me, everyone knows what he has done...and he is very motivated to behave himself. My parents will be away this coming week and I'd rather he is here than alone. And kid wise, the reality is he has a lot he has to help with as far as activities and things so he will be around anyway (again, only if the test comes out well) Obviously, if for any reason the test does not go well, separation will continue.
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