Thx for the response.

Parsing through it, I see that you feel happy about it in one way, in that you love your DD and like her partner. But you are feeling anxious about its impact on UA. Given what you have described of your recent schedule, this is probably realistic.

I think you need to pay attention to that feeling and make firm PLANS on how to be able to stick to your goals. For example, what are the expectations re: childcare/babysitting? If you wait until everyone is moved in, it will be practically impossible.

Your wife needs to be onboard, or this won't work.

Kerala:

We just need to focus. That seems hard these days.

At the end of last year - we banked on having 2.5 weeks off straight together and we could make up time there.

Things happen, and the time came and went.

We are now full on with school , work , kids , and more kids on the way.

It's exciting - but at the same time I don't have to much confidence right now we will be able to get the weekly 20+ hours we so desperately need.

It's awkward when we do get the time together at first - but I know that will go away eventually and be replaced with tons of deposits - not withdrawals.

Tonight was a surprise birthday dinner for her father. Super nice dinner - it was just awkward because I didn't feel like she paid any attention to me at all.

When her parents are around , it seems like she is a different person.

We have a very long drive together set for Saturday.

It will be a great opportunity to talk , and perhaps even go through our first online program DVD.

I'm A little frustrated, but know once we have some time
Together it will be better.

I am sure she is frustrated as well, she certainly looked it tonight before bed.

li-runner...

You have to schedule your UA time, ESPECIALLY when your life is as busy as yours is.... Schedule it first, then work everything else around it. It is counter-intuitive when you don't LOVE spending time together, but it is the most important part of this step.

And, I know the temptation to stuff the UA time into an event like an enforced long drive. But you can actually only absorb so much UA time effectively at any given time. So a full day in the car together won't equate to a full day of UA.

And, you will be modeling a great habit for your daughter and her fiance. What better wedding gift?

Catwhit:

Thank You for all your suggestions and helping.

I am trying this time to let things out here , instead of bottling them up - what typically happens is at some point it all explodes on one small thing making huge withdrawals.

Thank You., I am looking forward to the car ride, but won't try to push a whole week of UA in one day.

What a difference a new day brings.

It's absolutely beautiful out, and we have a packed weekend together.

So looking forward to it.

Excellent insight! Because that "one small thing" isn't what you're really exploding about.
You will learn to express the myriad of "one small things" as they occur, respectfully, with care. This expression, this complaining, is really an act of love. If you are in the habit of not expressing the small things, it can be a scary step to change.

Rough week.

Not getting the time we need to work out our schedules, work the online program, or just getting in our UA time.

We are almost done with the first phase, tonight hopefully we will be able to finish.

If we don't , I think we should call a priority on plans for this weekend. We were invited to go skiing which is a great time - but if we are not caught up on things I think it might be a mistake.

Feeling frustrated.

Small update....

Lots and Lots of things going on, so our online program time together is suffering slightly.

I know why - it's because we have not prioritized our Sunday schedule time for the week.

An improvement from last week - I didn't throw a temper-tantrum when we didn't have it. I rolled with the flow and just asked if we could have time to nail it down this week as soon as we could.

It is getting better - I know. Yesterday all of the variable fell into place which would completely destroy our date night. I mean it was a perfect storm.

Two major issues with our children came up. I mean major.

My wife lost it with one of the kids, and it took some doing to get her off the phone and disengaged from the entanglement.

The 2nd incident had to do with some bad choices my other child ( age 15 ) was making.

We both were able to work together ( without making withdrawls ) to get to the point we actually went on our date.

My concern now is that we have pseudo committed to my daughter that they could live in our basement, and after yesterday's issues I don't think it is going to be possible to share a house without them interfering in our recovery.

Priorities for me?

- Weekly schedule
- Online commitment to our time and working the program
- making enthusiastic decisions from both perspectives


thank you. feeling much better this week than last week.

It is wise of you to consider this now - before they move in with you. Your M (and Recovery) comes first. Have you and your W worked on other potential solutions to this?

BlairBluefin,

thank you for reminding me what is first and foremost.

I know that our children and their care are a major EN for my W. You should have seen her face when we were talking and I threw out them living with us in the basement as an option. Granted it was just brainstorming ideas, but she really liked it.

they are young and just starting out, so there are some questions around what would they do if we don't offer this up?

There is a feeling of responsibility - especially since my in-laws helped us out when we started out. Granted we didn't live with them, but they helped us find a place.

Maybe we need to help set them up with a house or an apartment as an alternative?

If we create a separate entrance, and put a time limit on it? Say 24 months?

Right now to get to the apartment in the basement you have to come into the mud room first. There isn't a totally separate entrance.

We also just got the cost appraisal Monday to finish the basement and it is more than we thought - so that is part of the equation too.

The issue here is that your W is willing to sacrifice your relationship to take care of her children. That sacrifice will hurt your R in the long run. But, you may be able to come up with an option that will support your R, and assist your children. You are already thinking of great options to this!



I can understand why you want to help your kids. Early in our marriage, my H and I lived with his parents for about 6 months when we had moved to a new state and couldn't find a house right away. It was miserable for me. I ended up working a regular job and being the house-cleaner, along with my H (and I) doing all their remodeling projects. What happened is that my H began to spend more and more time helping and talking to his parents. And I began to resent the amount of time he spent away from me.

You might be in this position - that you would start to resent the amount of time your kids are "stealing away" from your M.



These are good ideas. Would you add a separate exterior entrance, or can you add an entry door for your residence inside the mud room? Could you either pay for a small apartment for them, or help them out with rent? How much would a remodel cost you versus helping them with the rent costs? And how long would you maintain the financial assistance?

It's great that you are working on PoJA! Keep working on this until you are both thrilled with the final choice. You can do this!

Thank You for the suggestions - it is a HUGE help. I am going to talk to my W tonight for a little UA discussion before we get home.

I have a problem acclimating into the house right after work so we have been meeting for some coffee at a local place for 30-45 mins.

hopefully this comes up tonight, it is so much easier talking about it when we are not home, worried about the kids listening in.

thanks Again.

We enthusiastically finished the weekend course yesterday morning, it was great!!

Something just clicked , and we went through the last sections of the videos.

Right after we spent a while going through our schedule for the week.

What's ironic is that we have been struggling to find our UA time for weeks for just us, but Yesterday we found not only our 15 hours but also 15 separate hours for our family!!

All enthusiastically!!

Listening to Dr. H , he said that the 15 hours with the family / kids is just as important as our time.... And we need it there too.

I am happy we now have the most important part of our lives nailed down first.

This is GREAT! Good job finishing the weekend course!

How are the negotiations coming along for the other situation regarding Daughter & her boyfriend?

BlairBlueFin,

Thanks! It was really great.

Things with my daughter / her fiance have slowed down quite a bit because she lost the baby.

It was very sad, and she is trying to work through it now.

The urgency to make any decisions hastily have subsided, which gives us even more time to think things through and come up with a mutually enthusiastic plan.

What I wanted most was our UA time - and I have gotten that AND more. In addition to scheduling out UA time, we have also found 15 hours a week for family time with the kids.

Imagine that.

We used to be so busy, now we not only have our UA time sorted out, we have time planned for the kids.

Amazing how that works when you schedule the most important things first.

:-)

Looking forward to going through the plans, and the next chapters.

Small update -

UA time feels like it has slipped a little this week, looking forward to a great night full of it tonight.

I am not sure if going out to dinner counts as a recreational activity, but I'm gonna go with it.

We have a weeks vacation scheduled starting Friday, and looking forward to it in a big way.

Although the boys are coming with us, we are staying in separate rooms so we will have our privacy.

I love driving up into the country also - it's a huge dream of mine to move up to the northeast somewhere so I can feel the deposits from my wife as soon as we back out of the driveway!! :-)


I had the feeling today to close up, and not share my disconnection - however I decided to share my feelings and leaned into our relationship instead of leaning away from it.

It immediately made me feel better.

Looking forward to a much needed week of UA and Recreational companionship on the slopes....