Hi everyone. I found out that my W started an ongoing physical affair several months ago. The story is chronicled on the TAM forums, but since there�s a pro-divorce bias there, I�d like a different set of opinions on my situation.

We are in early 30s, W is 2.5yrs older than me. We met in college more than 10 years ago, married shortly graduation. She is an unemployed cardiologist, she stopped giving a damn about school and career after our marriage. She�s not quite a housewife either, spends majority of her time online, watching hulu, and staying fit.

I had a fairly intense salaried work, 6a~8p. Brought home good paycheck, but become increasingly bitter about her lifestyle, but at the time didn�t speak out about it. Physically not the best shape, but not exactly obese either. Towards the end of 2012, we had a huge fight and started sleeping in separate bedrooms, but still shared all our social activities and meals. Once a month booty call.

I got laid off in early 2013 and we both stayed at home. Tension flares from time to time, and she starts to refuse let me see meet her new friends. In Oct, she started a PA with OM that she met in Sept. She spent weekdays at home, but every single weekend with OM. She began to talk on phone with OM for hours every single night, masking it with girl�s name.

I found out about it in Nov and confronted her, she basically said she�s too young to settle down sexually with just a guy and wanted to play. She said she�s not emotionally involved, she�s just out having fun. It doesn�t have to be the OM, it could be any other OM. I moved out for 2 weeks, during this period OM moved in. I confronted her again, told her I�m cutting her off financially. This got her worried enough that she promised to stop seeing OM, and I moved back in mid Dec. I tried R.

Her father got ill, and she used it as an excuse for vacation with OM. I found out through hotel bookings. She assured me that she was going to see her father. I filed on her, that�s when she started crazy emails saying that we could work it out.

I moved to Korea a week later for a job. Now we are separated by the ocean and file.

After Christmas, I confronted her with concrete evidence that the R was false. I cut off all finances to her. She got worried enough she sent out NC email to OM, and keeps close email contact with me back and forth. Her emails are very regular during weekdays, but schedule gets erratic during weekends, I suspect she still goes to see OM on weekends.

Now, if she is honest about NC, I feel that I could rebuild trust with her and maybe R. However, if she keeps on dishonest, D is the only route to go.

What�s your take on my options?

Hi rupby, welcome to Marriage Builders. We are not pro-divorce here but we are also not marriage-at-all-cost. Sometimes divorce is the definition of success and I suspect that is the case here because this is so far gone. We can give you a couple of things to do, but you may have already done them.

You can't recover your marriage while you are living apart but there are a couple of things you could do to bust up the affair and you might have already tried them. The first is exposure of the affair and the second is to stop all financial support.

Have you exposed her affair to your friends, family and the OM's friends and family?

Did you live together before marriage? Did your wife ever have an affair with a married man before your marriage? Were either of you married before?

Is she an alcoholic? I am trying to understand the strange dynamics at play here.

Yup, she's exposed to everyone. She was never close to her family, so they really don't influence her opinion. I still paying for the house because I left in too much of a hurry, but otherwise I'm not supporting her financially now. She mentioned that she needed money couple weeks ago, but didn't really "ask" for it yet. It'll happen soon, I think.

WW dated a married man during high school and early college years before meeting me, but broke up with him eventually because the married man didn't divorce + marry WW. This is first time marriage for both of us. When we first dated + married, we drank quite a bit, but now it really slowed down.

I feel what is done is done and I can work around them as long as I can trust her again - as long as she is honest again. With an ocean between us, I don't know how that is going to happen.

Oh, also she just came to US for college from China, so she doesn't really have any friends here to expose to in the first place. She pretty much hang out with me and me only until past several months.

Well, self "exposure" is not what I mean by exposure. When a wayward "exposes" it usually goes something like this: "Hubby and I have decided to separate because our marriage is on the rocks. I have met a new man while we are waiting for the divorce to come through."

Otherwise known as lying and spinning the truth.

An effective exposure would be done by the betrayed spouse and it would go something like this:



I figured she had dated a married man in her past, which explains a lot about her behavior now. Women who have affairs with married men [before they are married] tend to have many affairs in their own marriages and have very little respect for marriage. Dr Bill Harley is a clinical psychologist with 40 years experience specializing in infidelity. Here is what he says about marrying women who have had affairs with married men:




If I were in your shoes, I would file for divorce, cut off financial aide and go into what we call Plan B. Plan B is initiated by a letter that gives her a path back. For example, you would offer to give her a chance if she meets your conditions to end her affair and enter a program of marriage recovery. Tell her not to contact you unless she can meet those conditions and you will consider reconciliation. It usually takes about 1-2 years for a divorce to be final so if she does meet your conditions in that time frame, you could drop the divorce. And if she doesn't, you would be divorced. You would win with either outcome, because if she won't meet your conditions, recovery would be impossible and you would be better off without her.

As of right now, we'd facing a 1~2 year separation anyway due to my work. Even though I filed back in Dec and we don't have complicated property, would it still usually take a year or two for divorce to finalize?

What items would Plan B contain? She claims she had gone NC with OM. I have not talked to her for weeks now, and I don't really want to talk to her. Email contact is at least once a day, except for weekends, but that's hardly evidence that she's together with OM. Except for one weekend that she might be on period, each weekend her emails to me is irregular.

Should I go visit her from time to time? Or the other way around? Or go on vacations together while we are separated? Or just maintain email until we have a chance of living together again?

It depends on your state. But I would just give her as much time as it takes to get divorced. And I seriously doubt she has ended contact with the OM. You have no proof of that while you are gone and it is not likely to be true. Plan B would be a complete separation with no contact at all.

Have you been tested for STDs?

I would cut her off financially.
In order to recover she would need to move and live with you.

I dont understand ....she is a licensed cardiologist but doesn't have a job and depends on you to pay for her to have affairs and watch television all day?

As for length of time of divorce, it only took me 6 months.
It takes other s years....
is adultery a cause for divorce in your state? If so make sure you file uhh nee that and tell the atty you dont want to pay alimony.

Yes, adultery is a cause, but takes so much proof that lawyers recommend against it. We just moved and needs to satisfy a "residency" requirement before court will continue processing our divorce.

Yup, she's a licensed cardiologist but refuses to work, spends all her time learning dancing, pilate, yoga, etc.

So Plan B is complete going dark NC, then contact her again when divorce is finalized?

Given that you have no children and ^^^^ as her mentality, I would continue with the divorce, cut her off financially and have NC with her. Your wife was never good marriage material and probably never will be.

Since there are no children and you said the marital assets are not complicated, it should not take long.

Who is "We?"

I would insist on the adultery charge so you get out of alimony.
It is a shame to be as lazy as she is.

Are you still financially supporting her?

We (stbx + I) moved across country looking for job last year and settled in Canada. We need to be a resident of the province for at least a year before the court will continue processing the divorce.

I briefly talked to a lawyer and he recommended against the adultery charge, since the WW would pretty much need to admit to adultery for the charge to stick. She is higher educated than me (MD), except for never worked a day of her life. Lawyer jokingly said that I should ask STBX for alimony.

I'm paying rent since it's under my name. She is about to ask for money to support herself any day now based on my guess of her spending pattern.

I thought you moved to Korea and were separated by an ocean?

Where did you file divorce?

I would cancel the rental contract asap.
Tell the landlord you wont pay a penny more.
Have the Sheriff throw her out.
Let her go live in a shelter or with her lover.

Its time to stop supporting this nonsense

Yeah, but we moved from east coast to west coast before I move to Korea by myself. I filed in BC.

So you think that there's 100% no way that her NC with OM is real and sincere?

Has she written a NC letter and you send it?

Has she changed all her contact information?