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This is really hard to type but I think my marriage is over. We've been dating for over 6 years and married for two. I thought everything was going well but my wife and I have had a rough few months and my wife finally opened up to me the other day and has been ever since. She has essentially told me that she doesn't, and never did, love me the way your supposed to love a husband but loves me like a best friend. She said she always imagined growing up this romantic life and being intimate with her husband, but our bedroom is dead. She also said she loves to cook and clean and did growing up and thought she would love doing it for me, but she doesn't and she is just unhappy. She cannot stop crying and apologizing for ruining everything and for her feelings, but that is honestly how she feels. I think she may be suffering from some form of depression or anxiety, but I talked with her about it and she said she is super stressed now, but has been having these feelings deep down for a little white. We are going to go to counseling and she is even open to the idea of her going to her own individual counseling sessions. Maybe I am just overly hopeful that a fixable mental issue is the root cause, or maybe there really is one. Now obviously I am crushed but I have to respect her for her honesty. My only thought is to give counseling a shot, as a last ditch effort. Other than that, does anyone have advice or has anyone been through this before?

We just had another long talk, and we have our first counseling session set up tomorrow morning, and we think we are going to separate for a month or two, and allow her to decide how she needs me in her life. She and I both agree that its unfair for us to be married, if she isn't loving me how she's supposed to, but she is not yet ready to make the life-altering decision that we should get divorced.

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Did your wife say "I love you but I am not in love with you?"

I am sorry to hear you are going to separate because that will make it 10x harder to resolve your marriage problems. The problem is that she has fallen out of love and that is a problem to be solved, not a reason to separate or divorce.

It is like a car that has broken down. If you want to fix the car, do you go out of town or do you go to the garage and fix the car?

So the first advice would be NOT to separate. The second is to take the steps to fall back in love.

If you want to save your marriage, then the key is to fall in love again. That is what this program achieves if you follow it. Please read through the links in this thread and come back and lets discuss: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2695386#Post2695386

Have you ruled out an affair?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I have ruled out an affair because she has been very open and honest with me, and there is no reason to suspect an affair.

How can I convince her that separation is not best? She hasn't said that she isn't in love with me, but that is what it seems like. She says she loves me as a best friend, but not romantically. She said that she needs time alone in order to figure out exactly how she feels about me, and the only way to get time alone is if we separate. I don't plan on moving all of my stuff out, but just getting somewhere to stay temporarily. We are going to our first counseling session tomorrow, and she has promised to do individual counseling as well.

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Originally Posted By: boredjoe560
I have ruled out an affair because she has been very open and honest with me, and there is no reason to suspect an affair.


That is the LEAST effective way to rule out an affair because you are the last person she would be honest with if that is the case. This is why it is important to not ask, but to quietly snoop to make sure.

Quote:
How can I convince her that separation is not best? She hasn't said that she isn't in love with me, but that is what it seems like. She says she loves me as a best friend, but not romantically. She said that she needs time alone in order to figure out exactly how she feels about me, and the only way to get time alone is if we separate. I don't plan on moving all of my stuff out, but just getting somewhere to stay temporarily. We are going to our first counseling session tomorrow, and she has promised to do individual counseling as well.


I am sorry to hear you are going to counseling because counselors are typically little more than divorce facilitators and have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population. I would not agree to separation if you are serious about saving your marriage. You can't save a marriage if you are not there. There is little hope if you do separate for obvious reasons. But there is a lot of hope if you remain together.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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If I were you, I would let her know that you have changed your mind about separation since it won't help the situation. Let her know you won't be cooperating with any separation schemes. When a woman wants to separate, it is almost ALWAYS because they are having an affair. They want the man to move out so they can replace him with the new man.

Originally Posted By: Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders
"I've seen so many spouses lie about affairs, that when one spouse wants a separation, my best guess is that he or she is having an affair. I'm right almost every time.

Why would anyone need to be alone to sort things out? It makes much more sense to think that being separated makes it easier to be with their lover. Granted, there are many good reasons for a separation, such as physical or extreme mental abuse. But of all those I've seen separate, most have had lovers in the wings."

here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Simply put, the solution to falling out of love is to fall BACK in love. Separation will achieve the opposite of that goal.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Dr. Harvey has a great track record of restoring marriages. Have you checked our the links to the right?


Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

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It's almost certain that your wife is having an affair. In 20 years Dr H says he has never seen a case of "I love you but not in love with you" (ILYBNILWY) in which it was not a secret affair.

I've been on these forums for two years and the examples I have seen concur with what he says about ILYBNILWY.

When wives genuinely no longer love their husbands they say "I don't love you any more". They also usually have a reason that they can explain. Women also work very hard at saving marriages before it reaches that point - women buy twice the amount of marriage books men do.

When ILYBNILWY is said, the woman still loves her husband. But she loves a friend or co-worker too and this love is problem-free and part time. It may not even be a physical affair.

It's confusing to the woman when she still loves her husband. She even believes that she no longer really loves you - though she does. So she decides that she must love you as a friend/brother. She usually requires time away to sort out this confusion. Alas, it is usually to see how the OM works out full time, and the A will go physical if it has not already.


Confusion, guilt, weeping and apologies - all signs that she still loves you and is tremendously confused about the influence this friend has on her. These too are very common signs of an affair.

The OM will likely be someone she has formed an attachment to in the past (old boyfriend) or a male friend or co-worker she spends time with. It takes time to create an ILYBNIWY situation. It sometimes starts out innocently as two friends discussing problems so she may even have mentioned his friendship to you in the past.

Does she spend a lot of time online? Do you have her passwords? Does she lock, protect or hide her phone?

I would consider it an affair until you have scoured for proof that it is not. If it is not it will be one of the first examples we have ever seen were ILYBNILWY is not an affair.

ILYBNILWY always means there is a new point of comparison.

If she is not 'in love' with you - then how does she know how being 'in love' feels?

DO NOT CONFRONT HER!!! Use your eyes, and ears to be protective and snoop while being the best guy for the job. Warm, affectionate, friendly. When she weeps or expresses confusion console her, but refuse to be pushed into willingly accepting separation or friendship. Just be very calm and repeat to her "You are my wife and I love you. I will always help you" or words to that effect.



Last edited by indiegirl; 02/09/14 09:20 PM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted By: boredjoe560
She has essentially told me that she doesn't, and never did,


This is common too - rewriting history. Nonsense; no one would marry someone they thought of as a buddy.

You REMEMBER her being in love - I know you do.

Originally Posted By: boredjoe560
I think she may be suffering from some form of depression or anxiety,.


Most people in affairs are highly depressed. They know they are doing wrong, do not want anyone to find out and feel life is hopeless.

Originally Posted By: boredjoe560
We are going to go to counseling and she is even open to the idea of her going to her own individual counseling sessions. We just had another long talk, and we have our first counseling session set up tomorrow morning,


This is a dreadful idea. She will not tell the truth to a counsellor and will use the session to berate you for anything you've ever done wrong. It will cause an argument when you could have been doing something romantic instead. She doesn't have rows in counselling with the new guy. An IC is a worse idea still - they will not be interested in saving the marriage and will tell her to go after the new love.




Last edited by indiegirl; 02/09/14 09:31 PM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted By: boredjoe560
I have ruled out an affair because she has been very open and honest with me, and there is no reason to suspect an affair.

How can I convince her that separation is not best? She hasn't said that she isn't in love with me, but that is what it seems like. She says she loves me as a best friend, but not romantically. She said that she needs time alone in order to figure out exactly how she feels about me, and the only way to get time alone is if we separate. I don't plan on moving all of my stuff out, but just getting somewhere to stay temporarily. We are going to our first counseling session tomorrow, and she has promised to do individual counseling as well.


Have I been in your shoes before?
Yes I have.
My wife wanted a separation to figure things out....and it turns out she was having an affair and just used it as an opportunity to get away from her husband and kids and have sex and time with her affair partner.

I thought she was "open and honest" with me too.....until I uncovered the affair.

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boredjoe, indiegirl posted an EXCELLENT and informative reply to you (see quote below). I couldn't have said it any better. Please listen to her and the others on here warning you of the likelihood of infidelity. I am saying this as a former wayward wife - my husband could have written portions of your post word-for-word when I was committing adultery.

Originally Posted By: indiegirl
It's almost certain that your wife is having an affair. In 20 years Dr H says he has never seen a case of "I love you but not in love with you" (ILYBNILWY) in which it was not a secret affair.

I've been on these forums for two years and the examples I have seen concur with what he says about ILYBNILWY.

When wives genuinely no longer love their husbands they say "I don't love you any more". They also usually have a reason that they can explain. Women also work very hard at saving marriages before it reaches that point - women buy twice the amount of marriage books men do.

When ILYBNILWY is said, the woman still loves her husband. But she loves a friend or co-worker too and this love is problem-free and part time. It may not even be a physical affair.

It's confusing to the woman when she still loves her husband. She even believes that she no longer really loves you - though she does. So she decides that she must love you as a friend/brother. She usually requires time away to sort out this confusion. Alas, it is usually to see how the OM works out full time, and the A will go physical if it has not already.


Confusion, guilt, weeping and apologies - all signs that she still loves you and is tremendously confused about the influence this friend has on her. These too are very common signs of an affair.

The OM will likely be someone she has formed an attachment to in the past (old boyfriend) or a male friend or co-worker she spends time with. It takes time to create an ILYBNIWY situation. It sometimes starts out innocently as two friends discussing problems so she may even have mentioned his friendship to you in the past.

Does she spend a lot of time online? Do you have her passwords? Does she lock, protect or hide her phone?

I would consider it an affair until you have scoured for proof that it is not. If it is not it will be one of the first examples we have ever seen were ILYBNILWY is not an affair.

ILYBNILWY always means there is a new point of comparison.

If she is not 'in love' with you - then how does she know how being 'in love' feels?

DO NOT CONFRONT HER!!! Use your eyes, and ears to be protective and snoop while being the best guy for the job. Warm, affectionate, friendly. When she weeps or expresses confusion console her, but refuse to be pushed into willingly accepting separation or friendship. Just be very calm and repeat to her "You are my wife and I love you. I will always help you" or words to that effect.




Me - 30 (FWW)
H - 30 (BH)
DSx2
D-day: 2008

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