I know that most, if not all attorneys would agree with your sentiments, yet except for it to be legally binding, considering how things have gone to date, i only view an enforceable judgment to have more downsides than upsides.

When she has had our S-10, 9 at the time, over for a visit to her apartment, i learned that the OM was present, so i made future visitations conditional upon him not being anywhere around while my S-10 was there.

That surely will create LB'ers between them when and if she ever has our S-10 stay overnight because the OM will have to find another place to stay overnight.

Maybe my thinking is flawed, so please enlighten me if you still see it differently.

LTL

Yes, I think it is flawed.
The fact is, without legal custody you dont have the right to tell her how to do anything.

She can legally pick him up from school and take him to her apt and if you dont like it, thats tough...

And she might try doing that when child support contacts her so you better get the boy secured quickly

And at this point, I wouldnt worry about LB between her and OM or anything else like that...instead, focus on the health and welfare of your child.

You need to get custody so that he can be protected from her unsafe behaviors.

You can request that she only have supervised visitation and the attorney can help you get that so you dont have to worry about her taking him to her appt

Jedi is right on this one. Your WW could easily remove your son from school any time.

Here is the advice Dr Harley wrote to me; I think the advice would be good in your situation too:

Dear Jedi Knight,

I understand how you want your children to have a reasonably friendly relationship with their mother. But under the circumstances, I�d suggest that instead, you create a wall of protection around your children as long as possible because of your wife�s thoroughly uncaring behavior toward them. Let them know the full truth about her lack of care for them because of her love for another man. Don�t embellish the story, just give them the facts. Sooner or later she will probably try to restore her relationship with them through you, perhaps in the hope that she would receive some kind of financial support from you or the state if she were to have partial custody. But I would let them know that not every mother loves or knows how to care for her children. Sadly, their mother is probably one of these people. Plan B is probably the best way to create that wall of protection.

Just speculating, but people often choose mates that fit their self-concept. In other words, a person who doesn�t think much of themselves (usually with evidence to support their conclusion), pick someone who is similarly unprepared for making a contribution in life. When they marry someone who is capable, they feel very uncomfortable around that person, in spite of the care that they provide. Your wife may have chosen a man who is similarly unprepared for life because she feels comfortable around him. I recall counseling a woman who was married to a very famous surgeon. She had an affair with a man who gave blood for a living, and moved into his 17-foot trailer. He was someone who she could relate to, unlike her very successful husband. In spite of his willingness to make changes in his career to accommodate her needs, she never felt comfortable around him.

Best wishes,
Dr. Harley

Thank you for sharing your response letter from Dr. Harley Jedi.

As far as the conversations aspect with my Son, i most definitely have been truthful about the circumstances that my W chose to place herself in, along with the uncontrollable urge and obsession to prioritize alcohol and affair partners over a more mature and responsible lifestyle.

I have told him that his Mommy does love him, but is not capable of showing that due to being compelled to choose a drinking environment and new friends who support that destructive lifestyle.

He is acutely aware that his mom's drinking problem and choice of acquaintances have nothing to do with him.

LTL

As the new title states, it just seems so unexpected for her to finally Unblock me from her FB page and actually follow through with a Friend Request Invitation.

As i was taking my S-10, (He will be S-11 Tomorrow), to the movie theater to see the new Lego Movie, a notification came through with that request. Also, i had my phone volume turned off for the movie and she called and left a VM message

The message just said, "Hey, it's me. If you get a chance can you give me a call back tonight. I'll be home all night."

Remember, she contacted me 11 days ago requesting information to find out if and when any AA meetings were at for that particular day. I texted her several locations and times and heard nothing since.

Should i respond?

If so, i was thinking of saying;
I was at the movies with our S-10 and just now noticed your message.
Wife, if you are still currently involved in your current affair, i do not feel it would be considerate for you and i to be FB friends as it would still be rubbing your affair in my face. If you have any desire to ever have me have any loving feelings for you, this would wipe them out. In addition, i would need to know if you are following through with AA for recovering from your alcoholic lifestyle."
End

As a side note, this past Friday, 2 days ago was the 5th anniversary of her Mother passing away. I sent a private FB message to her 2 sisters that day expressing my sympathies for the feelings they may have for that date. The youngest sister who lived in my home for 2 years after the Moms death actually responded with a very thoughtful thank you message for my sentiments. The other sister just replied with a one word, "Hey."

So, does my potential reply seem appropriate?

One final point. Today marks 378 Days since the last time she had a visit with our Son.

LTL

I would not respond at all and decline the fb request. If she wanted to talk to you about anything serious then she should have said why she wants you to call. ^^^This is lazy and crap IMO. If that's the best she can do, I would ignore her vs taking the bait to engage in goodness knows what sort of conversation.

I have not responded with a phone conversation since last year February. All replies were via e-mail, even to her VM messages or texts.

I was feeling that this may be a good time to set that boundary in writing about wanting No Contact and Friendship whilst she is involved in an affair.

Due to not finding and studying this forum until 1 1/4 years after she moved out, which happened 2 1/2 years after D-Day, i never had the knowledge or opportunity to do anything similar to a Plan B letter.

LTL

I didn't realize you never gave her a Plan B letter. But you really aren't in Plan B either since you gave her info about the AA meetings and there is contact. I think I'd send something like this:

Wife, if you are still involved in your affair with OM (insert name) or are dating other men, I have no desire to communicate with you.

I'd leave it at that and see if she offers up anything. You said your son told you OM was there during his last visit so I wouldn't be expecting him to be out of the picture.

That visit when my Son was over at her place occurred in September, 2012.

Her and the current Affair Partner were still involved ad of the end of this January 2014 as far ad i can tell.

LTL

Gotcha

At most, I would only send what I previously suggested if you want to make it clear not to contact you if she is still involved with OM...or any other man. Or ignore.

I'm in no hurry to reply.

It's a rule i made for myself to not jump through her hoops and i wait at least 24 hours so i can respond instead of react.

I really appreciate that you have come to post on my situation once again. I recall the last assistance about the types of WW's.

LTL

Okay, i have still not responded yet, partly because my phone was off last night when i took my now S-11 to see The Lego Movie, but also because i would have probably responded with too much emotion.

At 5:30 this morning, WW sent me the following e-mail:
I understandably assuming not a good idea I have lunch with S-11 at school. He will prefer to see me in private and not around all his friends will prob question and wonder. Please tell him happy bday and that I do love him very much. I will b working most the day as I am subbing midday route and already have a after school field trip. I wish you both a wonderful day.
Wife's Name
End

Additionally, the FB Friend Request Invitation she made last night has disappeared as of this morning too. So i guess that because i didn't reply immediately that is her way of telling me to telling me she changed her fickle mind.

But, at least in writing, she wished both S-11 and me a wonderful day at the end of her e-mail.

I'm still contemplating a response stating the boundary regarding No Contact as long as she is involved in any affair.

Here is another draft i made early this morning, but definitely have not sent till i get multiple outside unbiased opinions.

Wife's Name,

I was at the movies with S-11 last night and had my phone turned off and just now noticed your message.

Wife's Name, if you are still involved in your current affair, i do not feel it would be considerate for you and i to be friends as it would still be rubbing your current affair in my face and causing me further pain. I do not deserve any more abuse like that, especially after all of the loving efforts i put in to hold our family together and improve our marriage.

When you decide to end your affair, the possibility of renewing our friendship may still be available.

If you have any desire at all to ever have me have any loving feelings for you, this would wipe them out. In addition, i would need to know if you are following through with AA for recovering from your alcoholic lifestyle since your behavior and choices since you relapsed has only lead to hurting our S-11 and your Husband more than you could ever imagine.

But, If you are serious about recovering from alcoholism, for that reason i would be enthusiastically willing to communicate with you as much as needed to help you out and be supportive for you.

Nothing else in this world would mean so much to me than for my Wife to once again get Sober and become the mature, caring and responsible person you were before you relapsed you used to be a very good Wife and Mother.

It is the one single most important Prayer i have every single day. You meant more to me every single day of my life than you will ever know, although you did overwhelmingly feel that prior to relapsing.

My Name
End

LTL

I suggest you email this to Dr Harley and ask for his opinion

Good idea Jedi.

How much background information should i include?

I could summarize the entire past 5 years since my WW's Mother passed away, which is when the 1st affair took off.

I could Bullet Point the significant events.

Should i also include my W's childhood history, which included both parents addictions, her Moms SIDS death of a 1 1/2 year older sister to my W that was never gotten over, the CSA (Childhood Sexual Abuse) my W endured between ages 4-5 at the hands of her female babysitter, the continued shuffling to one family to another due to her Moms addictions to Crack and Alcohol, the Divorce between her parents when my W was just 1 years old, along with sequence of the multiple affairs?

How much information is enough and what is too much?

Is it all relevant to todays circumstances?

I REALLY appreciate your support and participation, along with the several others who have been here for me.

God Bless You All,

LTL

LTL,if it was me I would include all the information I can about the situation. I would also ask to be a caller as well. Joyce is real good at "trimming the fat" on emails so don't worry about length. I am looking forward to hearing your questions and hopefully your call on the show. Do you listen to the show at all on your phone?

Thank You Very Much TD for once again chiming in with your thoughts regarding my situation. Your previous input was taken in wholeheartedly.

Okay, i will go to the library later today to use a computer and draft an e-mail and probably post a copy of it here to see if i should add/delete some points.

This is making me nervous, because it goes against my character to not reply cordially to Anyone, let alone my Wife, who i still hang onto such strong hope for her, regardless of how much i have attempted to detach from the current drinking and cheating wayward version she has become.

Like Mommy Of 8 is going through those feelings about her WH, i still have those same feelings for who my Wife used to be and the dreams of our families future together.

LTL

P.S.

I do listen to the MB Radio show 2-4 times per week, along with reading every single post on the entire site daily.

LTL

You're welcome. I don't have time to respond to your morning update but I wouldn't send the email as is. It is a little too sappy IMO. Back later...