I had this same reaction Zhamila. But I couldn't find a way to search for my name on the site, other than scroll through all of the "Homewrecker" postings.

The site says this:

This is shesahomewrecker.com where the betrayed woman exposes the other woman who became involved with her husband/boyfriend.

It is a site to expose women who got involved with other women's husbands, and the BW is the person whose story will be accepted.

It is not a FWW name-and-shame site, unless the FWW intervened in a marriage.

My affair was indeed with a married man.

Does the BW know about your affair with her H?

Dr Harley mentioned that if he ran the website, he would take their name off if they PROVED to him that he repented, which I think would be a gracious move. I am sure it does scare those who have been guilty of this behavior.

However, if one lost their job or a relationship, that would be a result of the adultery and nothing else. Zhamila, thats fine to decide you have "suffered enough" but you are not the victim. It is not your ox that was gored. I am much more concerned with the victims of adultery than the perps. Like Dr Harley said about the "suffering" of the perp: "that is a life lesson to be learned."

I have been a recruiter for various companies over the years, and I know some who have purposely steered clear of those who commit adultery.

I hope the website gains notoriety so more people will think twice before they commit adultery. IF I knew my name was going to be published on a notorious website, I might think twice before having an affair.

Bottom line is if I do something cruel and reckless to someone, I am not entitled to secrecy about it. That person has the right to tell anyone and everyone what I did regardless of whether I feel I have "suffered enough" or not. My "suffering" was a direct result of my dumb choices, after all; the victims was not.

And I say this as a person who has a reckless past and has treated others horribly. I have been forgiven much, but I am not arrogant enough to ask my victims to shut up and protect me. I have no such entitlement.

Telling the world that your spouse has betrayed you in the most horrible way is NOT "punishment."

Very much agreed.
And, honestly, if one is truly repentant then I do not understand why that person would fear having their past exposed. The fear of exposure is a very wayward mindset.

Exposure is not about making the wayward "suffer." You understand that, right?

I think this is a completely terrible thing to post, and I am in disbelief that something so insensitive would be said here on this forum of all places.

Agree. This is a statement devoid of empathy.

Exposure was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. It still makes me sick to think of it today.

I remember thinking to myself, "How dare WxH put me through this hell again!" with each phone call and email I had to make.

It had NOTHING to do with wanting to "punish" anybody.

How do you define 'suffered enough'? What does that even mean?

Look, I am all about R after an A and focusing on the future. Living it now. I love the efforts my FWW is making.

But I can tell you that even though we are working to the future and my resentment is fading...if my W EVER made this comment to me or posted it on this board?..well..it would be a massive LB'er. Many LB units would be lost in her account.

Personally, I love the home wrecker sites! If it wouldn't be such a trigger for me, I would probably post the POSOM's info on it. But I know that would do more damage to myself and our R then the benefits it would bring.

If you think of your reputation as being your own property, you might feel that other people don't have the right to damage it.

If you think of your reputation as consisting of other people's opinions, and those opinions as being their property, not yours, then you would feel more likely to respect their right to their opinions.

I don't feel that my reputation is my property - I feel like it belongs to other people, because it is their opinions.

Zhamila, you interfered in someone else's marriage. You brought devastation not just to your own marriage but to someone else's too - your own mother-in-law, who was given no say in having her marriage destroyed by you. To paint yourself as "just a single mom doing the best she can for her children" after tearing two families apart is horribly insensitive and dishonest.

If you were on that website, you would not be the victim in this story. As someone whose marriage ended after the affair you are not the victim. There are many victims and none of them is you. You are the perpetrator of a vicious act on another woman, and a vicious act on your own children and your ex-husband.

You feel like you've suffered enough. At what point do you think that this woman, your mother-in-law, suffered enough?

Writer1,

I think you wrote about searching for yourself in that database, just type in something like homewrecker.com jane in google or jane doe, and it will give you a number of hits.

Oftentimes the google search is better than the local search on many websites.

God Bless
Gamma

Yes, she knows. And they are now divorced.

I think the concern I have about a site like this is that it does seem more slanted toward revenge than exposure. Exposure, as I understand it, is supposed to be directed at people who have some influence over the wayward - spouse, children, family members, friends, co-workers. This site seems more directed towards publicly shaming the wayward to mostly strangers who just happen across the site and see their name and photograph. Most of the strangers who read this information likely don't even know any of the parties involved and would therefor be of little help in ending the affair, which I believe is the main point of exposure.

The fact is, I have had no contact with my OM for 4 1/2 years. I am honestly mortified by my actions during that time. I destroyed someone else's family and there's nothing I can do to change that. It is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

The only thing I can do is work everyday at becoming a better person, wife, and mother. Maybe some of the other waywards on that site are trying to do that too, but if that's the case, it certainly isn't being included in the portrait of them that is being put out there. If someone gets put on this site because of a past affair, should their profile stay there indefinitely regardless of any and all efforts they make to change?

This website, in particular, is aimed at the OP, not the spouse, though. We can't possibly know who has influence over the OP.

And of course they are publicly "shamed." As they should be. When you do something shameful, you should feel ashamed.

I agree with that. And all of the "former" waywards I know do indeed feel a great deal of shame.

My question was, should the public shaming have no end? Should someone who has had an affair, ended it, cut off contact with their OP, and then changed their behavior have to have their picture and personal information displayed on a site like this forever?

Why not? Shouldn't they feel ashamed for life? Is there a statute of limitations on the shaming of people who do shameful things? I feel ashamed of my bad deeds even after 30 years. I have changed myself dramatically too. Does that entitle me to anything? No, it does not. If there is any kind of "limit" shouldn't it be applied to the suffering of their victims?

Public shaming is a job hazard of having an affair. When you have an affair you take the risk of having your behavior publicly exposed forever.

In the case of infidelity, the suffering of the cheaters victims usually has no end.. My 31 year old son still suffers to this day from his dad's affair in 1999. He didn't ask for that. Think I care one whit if my XH's skank is publicly shamed years later? The answer would be no.

I don't get this defensive posture, writer. As someone who did horrible things in my 20's, if I were exposed on that site [not for an affair but for other things] what would I have to defend? My behavior was indefensible.

I would say, "yes, that is true. I did a despicable thing and I am deeply sorry."

If the story is true, why object?