Additionally, you can search by state with: "homewreckers in ______enter state___" in their search engine and the homewreckers in that state should come up.

Radio show #1 [1-27-14] http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=5736#

Radio show #2 [1-29-14] http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=5748#

I guess I thought that's what repentance and grace are for: a fresh start, learning from mistakes of the past and doing better in the future. Dr. Harley even talks about not 'dwelling on mistakes of the past' in conversation, when the person has repented and changed their behavior. I wonder where this site fits into that thinking?

Maybe I'll go read the Scarlet Letter again.

Except you are not that person you were in your 20's anymore. You have grown, changed, matured, and learned from your mistakes. I don't see how it serves anyone to keep throwing them back in your face forever if you no longer do those things.

If something like this could indeed cost someone their job or prevent them from being able to secure employment, for a mistake they might have made 5, 10, even 20 years ago, but have made amends for, that seems counterproductive to everyone involved. My BH would also continue to suffer indefinitely if my profile were listed on such a site and it prevented me from working, not to mention the constant reminder it would be to him of the affair to have something like this out there for the rest of our lives.

There is a way to expose an affair that doesn't involve plastering someone's face all over the internet and then labeling them as a homewrecker for the rest of their lives. I refuse to be eternally defined by my mistakes, mistakes I have learned from and am no longer making.

Exactly.

That is good. They should embrace that shame, not run from it. Shame is a signal that one has a conscience.


I guess I thought that's what repentance and grace are for: a fresh start, learning from mistakes of the past and doing better in the future. Dr. Harley even talks about not 'dwelling on mistakes of the past' in conversation, when the person has repented and changed their behavior. I wonder where this site fits into that thinking?
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Do you feel that grace is an entitlement program for wayward wives? Do you feel entitled to something from your victims?

I don't think anyone is saying they are entitled to grace. It is something that has to be earned, not merely given.

And I would certainly never ask for anything from my OM's BxW. I don't expect her to forgive me. I don't expect anything from her at all. But it wouldn't change anything if she decided to plaster my face all over homewreckers.com. It wouldn't accomplish anything at all at this point. I am no longer a danger to her marriage (which has been over for 5 years) and I'm not a danger to anyone else's either, since I no longer engage in that sort of horrible behavior. So who would benefit from something like that occurring at this point?

I would have no problem with it because it is the truth. How can a truly repentant person argue with the truth? That makes no sense. The truth is the truth.

If someone says "ML was a rotten stinking drunk who went drunk driving" what would be wrong with that? It is simply stating truth. I can't blame anyone for stating truth.


But that is a consequence of bad behavior. Bad behavior can cause people problems throughout their lives. I know people who have done LESS than commit adultery who have paid for 30+ years.


I think the more people who know, the better. The more people who know, the more people to hold you accountable. Accountability is a good thing, not a bad thing.

If you knew your name was going up on such a website, wouldn't you think twice about committing adultery? I know I would!!

Dr Harley felt it was very beneficial and so do I. He mentioned how when the photos of "johns" who visited prostitutes in Oregon had their photos published that prostitution went way down.

Writer1 et al,

One point though, is that this site is the exception and not what betrayed spouses/sos' typically do. I suspect their are 200x as many postings on sites like Ashley Madison etc.

More commonly the betrayed spouse hides away, weighed down by their failure to keep their wayward spouse faithful to them.

I don't think the short stories on that website even add up to 1% of the horrible things the waywards tell their affair partners about their BSs'

God Bless
Gamma

Certainly, but I already did, years before this site existed. Not much that can be done about that.

It was my understanding that the site existed to let people know about "homewreckers" who are actively involved in affairs with married men, sort of a warning to other married women to watch out for these people if they happen to know them, since they might be a danger to someone else's marriage as well.

But a truly repentant wayward is not a danger to anyone's marriage. They aren't actively involved in an affair. They have learned their lesson and because of the damage their actions caused, they are very unlikely to ever repeat the behavior again.

So my question is still, what would be accomplished by posting the name and picture of a repentant wayward to a site like this and then leaving that posting there forever?

I believe someone also posted that Dr. Harley was in favor of taking down the profiles on these sites of waywards who have repented and are no longer committing adultery. But I don't know if sites like homewrecker.com actually do that.

I haven't checked it out, but my perception is that they do post current and past homewreckers. I read something to the effect that the cheaters are not removed so that would mean, once the story goes up it stays long after the affair dies.

And I don't believe a repentant wayward would mind his/her name being on there. Why would he? Unless he was actively denying his past.

He said if the wayward could PROVE to him he/she had repented he would consider taking their name down.

I wonder how many betrayed spouses here on the MB forum will post their wayward spouses and affair partners on this site. And if it will somehow compensate them for their suffering.

If I could turn back time, I would undo what I've done. But I cannot. If there were a way to take away the pain of my actions, I would do it. Unfortunately, public shaming won't make up for it either.

The only thing I can do is continue learning and growing and becoming a better person. Make my children's lives as smooth as possible under the circumstances, and teach them not to follow in my footsteps. I'm not sure public shaming would enhance my children's lives, or my ability to mother them. In fact, I suspect it would make the situation even worse: which is what my original comment was alluding to.

Just don't think the public shaming thing will help either my xH, my xMIL, or my kiddos at this point. Hey, if it did, I'd support it all the way.

I think there are a lot of people who would object to having every one of their past mistakes, no matter how long ago they occurred or what they have done to change and become a better person, plastered all over the internet for everyone to see forever.

The fact is, we don't broadcast every single mistake anyone has ever made forever for all the world to see. So why should we do that in the case of adultery?

I think that making one's crimes public makes you a safer person, so that helps others. If others know what you are capable of in your most private moments, that makes you a safer person because others are watching. Wouldn't you agree that you should be ashamed of what you did? I know I would be. I am very ashamed of my own behavior back in my 20's. That is a sign of decency. Not something to flee from.

Keep in mind, it is bad to commit adultery and destroy families. It is not bad to expose such despicable behavior. It is just stating the truth.

Talk about defining deviancy down. We are not talking about garden variety "mistakes." I made a "mistake" when I ordered the wrong color rug from Macy's.

We are talking the devastating crime of adultery. People kill themselves, commit homicide. Families are destroyed. Marriages are destroyed. Children's families are broken up.. Lives are never the same.

We do publish the pictures of sexual predators and other criminals for a reason: so society can watch out for them. That is a good thing, not a bad thing.

x2

Unless the "benefit" is revenge exacted against the wayward: then the site is perfect!

An eye for an eye...

In that case, shouldn't we create a site exposing ALL past bad behavior? Shouldn't every alcoholic, drug abuser, shop lifter, cheater, etc., etc. have their mistakes posted on similar sites dedicated to each and every possible act of wrong-doing imaginable?

You seem to be advocating a position that says everyone should be eternally punished for every wrong-doing they have ever committed. There should be no repentance, no second-chances, no opportunity for redemption. A person should rightfully be punished and suffer unlimited consequences for every wrong act they have ever committed regardless of whatever else they may or may not accomplish.