My H is 11.5 years older than I am.

We both graduated college at the same time (I was 21, he 33) and neither had any assets, and our maturity at the time seemed equivalent.

However, it didn't take long before he started saying often that he "was wiser and that I should listen to him more". Obviously, a HUGE, massive love buster.

Even if there was something I was apologizing for, he'd interrupt me to tell me all the reasons I should be apologizing, that he was older, wiser and I should listen to him more. <gag>

Even now, at 46 vs 57 he is always treating me as if I am the junior person that he has to explain things to.

It may be possible that the age difference was getting through to her in ways you didn't realize?

Sunny, that's an interesting dynamic, because I was always very careful to treat her as my equal. Many many times (to the point of getting frustrated), she would ask me "why" I thought a certain way about something. It was as though I constantly had to explain myself or my motivation for everything. She never believed anything I said or valued my opinion. I honestly don't care about most inane things and have no interest in fighting over dumb things.

It was with the dumbest things, though. She always felt the need to do battle with me over stupid things. I remember one time it was a curtain rod, no lie. I told her I thought we should get a nice one-piece wood one that would last, while she wanted this telescoping cheapie thing that really looked like garbage. A battle ensued and I let her get the cheap one. It eventually broke of course, then I replaced it with the wood one which is still there as far as I know. She could never just take my word for anything, and it's not like I was being a d*ck about it, either. It just got frustrating. I think I told her once or twice "Why can't you just trust what I am saying and not have to make a battle out of it?" Probably shouldn't say things like that but it got very frustrating.

BlindsidedNM: "Why can't you just trust what I am saying and not have to make a battle out of it?"

She may have been making battles of issues to have it her way sometimes so she didn't feel parented - like she always had to listen to you.

I started feeling that I needed to find any point my H had not made in one of his long teaching explanations in order to contribute to the conversation (show that I could make valid points too) and my H started complaining that I was always one-upping him, even though I was careful to contribute my point conversationally and without a "ha! you missed something" tone.

90% of the conversations with my H were boring because he conversed from the position of explaining instead of an equal exchange. I dreaded going on dates with him because that meant I'd have to listen to his "conversation" all evening.

I highly doubt I will ever want to marry someone more than 5 years out of my age range ever again.

Me either, but there are two young girls involved now. I doubt if I will get married again unless it is to my ex wife.

I should mention that her siblings are 6 and 12 years older than her - very spread apart. Even when she was younger, a lot of her friends were her sister's age (12+ years older). She still has friends my age.

Excellent stuff to work with here. And, I have a little secret for you; you were being a d*ck.


Viewing things as "dumb, stupid, petty" is a disrespectful judgment on your part.

Now, that doesn't mean that you roll over on everything, or that you don't get an "opinion." What it means is that just because you thing something is "dumb, stupid, inane, cheap" does not mean that she shares your view. And, in the case you presented, the actual solution would have been to either a) buy no curtain rod at all, or b) find a curtain rod you could both enthusiastically agree on.

These are the types of things you can work on learning!

I don't think I can disagree with you, really. On any of it. The stuff that she argued about or questioned me on was petty, a lot of it. Things that most people wouldn't imagine getting into an argument about.

The engineer I am working with - whenever his (second) wife calls during our meetings, he always says "that's a great idea" to whatever it is she is telling him on the phone. He has it figured out.

Blindsided NM: "he always says "that's a great idea" to whatever it is she is telling him on the phone. He has it figured out."


No, he doesn't. That is very condescending. Again, the pretense of knowing better than her but just going along.

Not going to get into HIS marital situation.

Have you read the book Love Busters?

This is discussed in the book

Actually that is one I have not read yet.

I encourage you to read it.
You may want to watch these videos also:

What is key here, is that while it may have been "petty" to you, or even "most people" they were important enough for your wife to complain about.

THAT is what is important.

And her complaints are opportunities for you to make $LB deposits, or avoid withdrawals. When you treat her complaints as petty, and/or dismiss them, you destroy her love for you.


Nope. Bad approach. Because eventually, it just leads back to the above behavior. Thus;

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8122_wife.html

Speaking of petty things-- something that irritates me is when the paper towel roll and toilet paper roll is so the loose end under instead of over. My wife thinks this is trivial and dumb. I feel this is the right way they should go. She doesn't feel there is a right way. However, she goes ahead now and puts them like I like them. And I absolutely appreciate it.

That's a lot like the curtain rods. What's important is subjextive. What's trivial and petty is subjective.

I guess my point about the curtain rods is that I don't normally get too concerned over stuff like that - I usually let her decide those kinds of things, but I didn't care for the one she was interested in, so I gave her what I thought was a rational, compelling reason why we should consider a different one. She basically said "I don't value your opinion and I want what I want regardless of how you feel about it."

It was very similar to the circular argument we'd get in every 6 months. She'd tell me things like "All you have to do is **** me more and everything would be fine." I would then try to explain why I always felt like I needed to keep my distance because I felt like she was angry at me, and how it did not make me feel attracted to her in that way. To which she'd reply "I'm always mad at you because you do this, this and that, and you just need to do what I want and everything will be fine." Little to no communication beyond that.

She was basically saying "Your needs don't concern me, I am only interested in what YOU can do for ME." She engaged in this pattern a LOT.

Love busters work in both directions, folks.

The only love busters you can eliminate are yours

Her reasons were just as "rational" and "compelling" as yours.

Dr Harley really picked up on their age difference in BNM's phone call to the radio show.

He said that when they first got together, there were likely very little problems to be solved but once they got married and had kids, his WW probably became very unhappy quickly whenever issues arose and BNM wasn't able to resolve them, on his own, since he was older - and he frequently see this issue with an older H/younger W.

He said that he and Joyce "grew up" together and have learned to problem solve together - and pointed out this is a very different dynamic.

Does our age difference mean that there is no hope? Dr. Harley's methods won't work for us? Because that is the subtext that I am starting to get.

Your marriage could work if you both followed MB rules