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Originally Posted By: bac07
Hi guys.

a couple of things i should have cleared up.
1. I havent put any spy resources in place. my observations are in the above letter. there is no more to it that what i have listed as the guy doesnt live here. he lives overseas. He will be here in two weeks to run a retreat she is now going on.


Please follow our advice and get spy resources in place asap.


Quote:
2. I was planning on having this letter as a conversation.


Ho0pefully you will abandon that idea.

Quote:
4. someone mentioned not calling it an affair? Doesnt Dr Harley suggest to call it for what it is in the infidelity info?


I wouldn't call it anything right now because you don't want to tip off your wife you are snooping.

Quote:

5. seperation at this moment looks like staying in the same apartment until she finds a job working somewhere else.


Living together is not a "separation." I would avoid any "separation" schemes or games.

Please follow the advice. We can't help you if you don't follow the advice. First off, get some good spy resources in place asap and then we can help you run this dirtbag off.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I didn't say don't call it an affair, I said don't tell her you feel like she's having an affair. She can debate you about how it's just your feelings. Get the evidence together (a lot of which you already have: tremendous amount of UA time between her and Buddha guy in the form of phone logs and texts). Get cracking on stopping her affair. Go on the retreat, too.

How far along in your studies are you? Did she enthusiastically agree for you to quit the job you had so you could do these studies?


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Originally Posted By: bac07
How do I make our marriage a safe space if she has withdrawn and just wants to go?


Follow the suggestions that are being given to you. Gather evidence and get the TRUTH. That is the first thing you need to do.

Meanwhile, don't confront her about the relationship. That will definitely make it "unsafe" for her. Just reaffirm your commitment to her and the spiritual value of your marriage, and tell her you aren't comfortable with her pursuing retreats and activities away from you. Meanwhile, keep gathering evidence.

And get ready to confront the spiritual misleader.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted By: bac07
Hi guys.

a couple of things i should have cleared up.
1. I havent put any spy resources in place. my observations are in the above letter. there is no more to it that what i have listed as the guy doesnt live here. he lives overseas. He will be here in two weeks to run a retreat she is now going on.
2. I was planning on having this letter as a conversation.
3. the reason she has been financially supporting us is that we made the decision for me to study so that I can more stably financially support us when we start a family. we both had great jobs before we moved.
4. someone mentioned not calling it an affair? Doesnt Dr Harley suggest to call it for what it is in the infidelity info?
5. seperation at this moment looks like staying in the same apartment until she finds a job working somewhere else.
6. markos I did have a read.


Ok, you all have really valid points.
How do I make our marriage a safe space if she has withdrawn and just wants to go? she doesnt want to do anything together. wants to spend all her time meditating and communicating with this guru


faint


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Your reasons for not snooping are not valid.

Are you ready to listen?


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BTW, it should be mentioned that you are fitting the mold of a spouse in denial to the T. Rather than take our advice, this type of poster, who is in denial that there is an affair, wants to "talk" their WS out of it.

That is a disaster. All you will do is cause her to take the relationship further underground and she's not going to listen to you anyway.

You MUST quietly snoop. I don't know how much more clear we can make it, it has been posted seven ways from Sunday and you are still not getting it.

I really hope we can get thru to you. You are about to make a pretty critical mistake...


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Hi thank you for your frankness. It is helpful although hard to bear.

I suppose my question is really, what good does the snooping do? I know she has retreated emotionally to this guy I know she is in constant contact I know she spent $200 on calls

She is emotionally withdrawn from our marriage and relying on him for all emotional support .

What more do I need to find out?
This is a problem. I know this already. I need to identify her emotional needs and Crete a safe space for her to share them with me before we can even talk about marriage continuing we new to build this trust

I do agree that the letter needs to be shortened and re worded to speak to her taker and address her withdrawal

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Originally Posted By: bac07
Hi thank you for your frankness. It is helpful although hard to bear.

I suppose my question is really, what good does the snooping do? I know she has retreated emotionally to this guy I know she is in constant contact I know she spent $200 on calls


Snooping will provide you with the evidence of the nature of the relationship. We will then use that evidence to run this turd off.

Quote:
I do agree that the letter needs to be shortened and re worded to speak to her taker and address her withdrawal


Throw the letter away and follow the advice please. Your plan is the equivalent of trying to reason with a falling down drunk. You must FIRST separate him from his booze so he will be sober enough to want to change.

Quote:
This is a problem. I know this already. I need to identify her emotional needs and Crete a safe space for her to share them with me before we can even talk about marriage continuing we new to build this trust


No, you do not know. You have no idea what you are doing. You cannot meet the needs of someone whose love bank is closed. HER LOVE BANK IS CLOSED TO YOU.

Please put aside your own foggy ideas and listen to us. Snoop on her and find out what they are talking about. Come back here with the evidence.

Throw the letter away.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: bac07

I do agree that the letter needs to be shortened and re worded to speak to her taker and address her withdrawal


Anything over 3 words is a waste of time and a distraction from saving your marriage. Did you notice that NONE OF US [all experienced posters] told you to write her a novel? No, Sir, we did not. WE TOLD YOU TO SNOOP!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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ok so i didn't send the letter. I had a conversation because our dog and I are flying back to my family for the week so that I can 'put the floor back in to myself' so to speak.

I have had a conversation with her. a safe one. we established rules about if it started to feel unsafe and agreed to be radically honest.
She would not agree to make decisions from a safe place. as 'her decisions that are right for her may feel unsafe for me'. she would create a safe place to talk.


You are all right. the letter I wrote is pointless. She is firm in her conviction that the marriage must end and that we were never connected on the deep level she now operates form. If there is a wall then i'm the one that built it. because she is open.
She wants to go to counselling to help me through this but she wants a divorce once the 12 months officialness is up.

I queried about the teacher relationship. she says she has been reaching out to her closest friends and family also and that she has a deep friendship with this person.
I know what your response will be im just not sure i can do it. She said that i should reach out to any of her family and friends I like.
relationships are built on trust arent they? how can I do that if i violate the trust?
Feeling hopeless.

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What are you, Ben Stiller writing a script for a new "Romantic Comedy?"

Are you going to have Mike Meyers play "The Love Guru" again?


Your. Wife. Is. Having. An. Affair. With. This. Hippy. Dippy. Nutjob. Con. Man.


Do me a favor. Unzip your trousers, and reach down the front.

Feel anything there? Two small round objects?

Yes?


1) This viper needs to be reported to authorities for the retreat or whatever he works for.

2)You need to call him up and tell him to stay the hell away from your wife.

3) You need to expose your wife's AFFAIR to all friends and family.



If you fail to do this, you are surrendering your marriage to a smelly hippy spiritual dirtbag conman.


Seriously dude, man the hell up.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Originally Posted By: HoldHerHand
What are you, Ben Stiller writing a script for a new "Romantic Comedy?"

Are you going to have Mike Meyers play "The Love Guru" again?


Your. Wife. Is. Having. An. Affair. With. This. Hippy. Dippy. Nutjob. Con. Man.


Do me a favor. Unzip your trousers, and reach down the front.

Feel anything there? Two small round objects?

Yes?


1) This viper needs to be reported to authorities for the retreat or whatever he works for.

2)You need to call him up and tell him to stay the hell away from your wife.

3) You need to expose your wife's AFFAIR to all friends and family.



If you fail to do this, you are surrendering your marriage to a smelly hippy spiritual dirtbag conman.


Seriously dude, man the hell up.


This for the win. I'm just floored you're buying into this line of bull she's feeding you and that you're letting this loser steal your wife. He's going to take her, bleed you both dry and throw her away. Are you seriously going to sit there and watch it happen?


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Intimate relationships are built on care and time, not trust. Trust comes from consistent, reliable building with care and time. If you don't want to do what it takes to win her affections, then that's your choice. You either do all you can without anger to stop this affair to give yourself a chance or you let the wind take you like Jellyhead and watch her leave your life.

I ask again, did she really like you quitting your job so you could go back to school?


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Originally Posted By: bac07

relationships are built on trust arent they? how can I do that if i violate the trust?


No, relationships are not built on fake trust. You don't trust her and empty, false platitudes will not save your marriage. Please put down the bumper stickers and start snooping if you are serious about saving your marriage. You are wasting valuable time.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: bac07
ok so i didn't send the letter. I had a conversation because our dog and I are flying back to my family for the week so that I can 'put the floor back in to myself' so to speak.

I have had a conversation with her. a safe one. we established rules about if it started to feel unsafe and agreed to be radically honest.
She would not agree to make decisions from a safe place. as 'her decisions that are right for her may feel unsafe for me'. she would create a safe place to talk.


You are all right. the letter I wrote is pointless. She is firm in her conviction that the marriage must end and that we were never connected on the deep level she now operates form. If there is a wall then i'm the one that built it. because she is open.
She wants to go to counselling to help me through this but she wants a divorce once the 12 months officialness is up.

I queried about the teacher relationship. she says she has been reaching out to her closest friends and family also and that she has a deep friendship with this person.
I know what your response will be im just not sure i can do it. She said that i should reach out to any of her family and friends I like.
relationships are built on trust arent they? how can I do that if i violate the trust?
Feeling hopeless.


So basically, you had a conversation with her, and she's going to do whatever she wants anyway. And now you've tipped her off that you suspect something.

If you want to actually save this, you're going to have to quit going off on your own ideas (which are not working) and listen to the advice of those who have been there before and who have helped hundreds of couples who have been where you are.

Do you want to save your marriage enough to slow down and start following the plan the works?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted By: bac07
She is firm in her conviction that the marriage must end and that we were never connected on the deep level she now operates form.


This is how every single person in the world feels when they are having an affair. We have seen hundreds of them.

You need to get the book Surviving an Affair and read through it ASAP. You can buy the ebook version and have it to read immediately.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I wil get the book and start reading.

Yes she was keen for me to stop work and study because it is aimed at being stable when we have kids. Which was supposed to be this year.

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Originally Posted By: markos
So basically, you had a conversation with her, and she's going to do whatever she wants anyway. And now you've tipped her off that you suspect something.


Yup, which we told you would happen.

Do you want help getting snooping in place or not? This is a serious question. yes or no?

Last edited by SusieQ; 02/15/14 06:30 PM.

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Originally Posted By: bac07
I wil get the book and start reading.

Yes she was keen for me to stop work and study because it is aimed at being stable when we have kids. Which was supposed to be this year.



...


Did you order "the book?"


Nearly every poster that has been posting to you has experience with the concepts of this program contained in the books, and have been advising you based on those concepts.


So, are we ready to start ACTING?


Or... did you disappear?


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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