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#2782097 02/10/14 11:20 PM
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I've been stalking this dating thread for a week or so. Figured I may as well jump on board. My divorce was just finalized. I don't know how I feel about dating. But I do need to get a better social life. I've managed to hide out for a year now, but I've just got to get out of the house more. I'm a SAHM but really extroverted. I need more adult contact daily.

So I've joined the gym, a few classes, and a bunch of Meetups and I'm meeting new people. I'm not really sure how to handle the male attention. As I think we've come to the consensus that guys won't hang out if they think there is no chance. Well, I'm on the radar. Men are messaging me through meetup and other single friends are messaging me through FB. I like talking to these guys. Obviously fills some needs for me. Am I leading them on by trying to be friends? I feel like a teenager again. Not sure how to navigate this new social scene.

Last week I met two guys whom I might consider dating if I was ready. Just not sure what to do with any of this. Suggestions?


BS-me 35
WXH-37
DS- 3.5 yrs old
DD 2 yrs old
Married for eleven years, together for fifteen
DDay August 2012 Found inappropriate text message
12/7/12 knew for sure he was sexting with men
12/9/12 Partial exposure, and truth about PA's revealed by WH
12/19/12 Full exposure
1/9/13 Plan B
Jan 2013 filed for divorce
1/27/2014 Divorce finalized
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Hi Greenmomma!

Going to the gym, meetups and meeting people is fantastic! I don't think you're leading anyone on by being friendly. In fact, it's good to get to know lots of types of guys. If they're interested, they'll have to make it known. You can politely decline if they ask you out and you don't want to go wink

Listening to yourself is probably the most important thing as a dating woman. Only do what you're comfortable doing.

The only advice I have for now is, don't tell a guy you're "not ready to date," just because you aren't interested in him. He'll wait around forever for you to "get ready." Just be honest and say, "I just don't feel that type of connection with you." Done.

Let the adventures begin! laugh


"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen

(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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GM, I think you should make the leap and go on a date. It doesn't have to be anything more than coffee or a short lunch...which some don't even view as a full blown date. Maybe then you can gauge how you feel about dating. Right now you seem to be gun shy...which is understandable.

All men are not out to jump a woman's bones after one date. And if you get that vibe from a guy or you feel too anxious, then you can tell him bye, bye.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Thanks Ladies! Definitely feeling gun shy! I guess I'm hesitant because I don't like turning people down. I have a hard time with the taker part of me.

I have gotten similar advice though about telling guys straight up that I'm not interested in them, rather than give excuses.

How do I know if someone is asking me on a date? I actually had an older guy who is my new Taeqwondo instructor ask me to join him for a drink after class to commiserate our recent divorces. I agreed, but then wondered if he was being nice, or was asking me on a date! I threw him all off because I ordered food instead of a drink, but then he insisted on paying. I think I made it clear that I wasn't interested romantically, but he was certainly full of compliments and volunteered to help out any time I need. We've had bad weather and sick kids, so I haven't been back to my Tae Qwondo class, but I go tonight and I'm kind of weirded out! Lol

When people ask me to do something I automatically answer yes. I need to figure out a way to get my anwer to I'm going to think about it. I have a hard time saying no.

I'm actually a bit worried that if I go on a date with a man I'm interested that I'll want to jump him! Not sure I trust myself ha! smile

In the past I've jumped from one relationship to another very quickly. I plan on being far pickier than normal, but I'm a bit worried that I'll fall head over heals too quickly. I suppose you all will help keep me on track! smile

I've got this weekend booked up with activities with people. One of the guys I've met will be there. I'm a bit worried he thinks I'm stalking him because last week I ran into him on Wed and Fri at new meetup events. I joked that I wasn't stalking him, then chatted with others all night. So I guess we'll see what happens.


BS-me 35
WXH-37
DS- 3.5 yrs old
DD 2 yrs old
Married for eleven years, together for fifteen
DDay August 2012 Found inappropriate text message
12/7/12 knew for sure he was sexting with men
12/9/12 Partial exposure, and truth about PA's revealed by WH
12/19/12 Full exposure
1/9/13 Plan B
Jan 2013 filed for divorce
1/27/2014 Divorce finalized
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
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Originally Posted By: black_raven
GM, I think you should make the leap and go on a date. It doesn't have to be anything more than coffee or a short lunch...which some don't even view as a full blown date. Maybe then you can gauge how you feel about dating. Right now you seem to be gun shy...which is understandable.

All men are not out to jump a woman's bones after one date. And if you get that vibe from a guy or you feel too anxious, then you can tell him bye, bye.


Yes, yes and yes.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
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How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
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Originally Posted By: Greenmomma
I guess I'm hesitant because I don't like turning people down. I have a hard time with the taker part of me.


It's not just you, I think it's like that for a lot of people. Dr Harley says that one of the most frustating things is dating - either you are being rejected or rejecting someone. It sucks either way.

Thank goodness for text. The first time I couldn't even do it, my friend had to actually send it for me. You just say that you didn't feel there was a spark and wish them the best.

Quote:
How do I know if someone is asking me on a date?

If a guy asks you to get coffee or drinks, like BR said, a lot of people don't really consider that a first date, but more of a precursor.


Quote:
When people ask me to do something I automatically answer yes. I need to figure out a way to get my anwer to I'm going to think about it. I have a hard time saying no.

I am the same way. Even if I am thinking nonono, I will just be nod or be vague or say we'll touch base about it later and then text what I said above. It's never been a problem.

My best friend has constantly yelled at me since I started dating to stop overthinking things so I am going to pass that on to you. I used to torture myself about really small things that aren't a big deal (sometimes still do). A lot of it is that you just need to get out there and DO. And it gets easier with experience.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
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How to Plan B Correctly
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Thanks Susie! I'll let you all know how the weekend goes. I should be around some potentials, so we 'll see what happens. Just gotta bite the bullet I guess!


BS-me 35
WXH-37
DS- 3.5 yrs old
DD 2 yrs old
Married for eleven years, together for fifteen
DDay August 2012 Found inappropriate text message
12/7/12 knew for sure he was sexting with men
12/9/12 Partial exposure, and truth about PA's revealed by WH
12/19/12 Full exposure
1/9/13 Plan B
Jan 2013 filed for divorce
1/27/2014 Divorce finalized
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 777
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Going on a lunch date tomorrow. Any pointers?

I think this is the first date after divorce for both of us, so we're both a little nervous!


BS-me 35
WXH-37
DS- 3.5 yrs old
DD 2 yrs old
Married for eleven years, together for fifteen
DDay August 2012 Found inappropriate text message
12/7/12 knew for sure he was sexting with men
12/9/12 Partial exposure, and truth about PA's revealed by WH
12/19/12 Full exposure
1/9/13 Plan B
Jan 2013 filed for divorce
1/27/2014 Divorce finalized
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
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Originally Posted By: Greenmomma
Going on a lunch date tomorrow. Any pointers?

I think this is the first date after divorce for both of us, so we're both a little nervous!


You will be fine!!! Be upbeat and have fun.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I've had an incredible weekend. Guess I was a late bloomer or something because I'm completely overwhelmed and flattered by the amount of attention I'm getting from men. How am I supposed to choose who to date?

Had a great date yesterday with a really sweet guy. I'll call him IT guy. He walked in on his ex banging another dude last VDAY. He can meet my need for affection, admiration for sure. He's open and honest, and I know he won't cheat. He also doesn 't have kids- but was raising his ex's son which I like. I think I would like him better if he was in a bit better shape. I usually date skinny guys and he's got a little more than I'm used to. He seems really vulnerable though and I'm worried I might hurt him. I get the vibe from him that he thinks I'm out of his league. Which makes me wonder- am I? I need to have a chat with him about my plans to date around. I don't think he's going to like that. He would be a very convenient boyfriend, but I'm going to try to avoid that since that was my pattern in the past. We've got another date on Thursday.

Then I have a whole handful of other guys also vying for my attention. I like different things about each of them. How do you pick who to date?


BS-me 35
WXH-37
DS- 3.5 yrs old
DD 2 yrs old
Married for eleven years, together for fifteen
DDay August 2012 Found inappropriate text message
12/7/12 knew for sure he was sexting with men
12/9/12 Partial exposure, and truth about PA's revealed by WH
12/19/12 Full exposure
1/9/13 Plan B
Jan 2013 filed for divorce
1/27/2014 Divorce finalized
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
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GM,
Have you read buyers renters freeloaders?
Dr Harley has a list of features to look for in dates in that book, to help you weed through them

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Originally Posted By: Greenmomma
I've had an incredible weekend. Guess I was a late bloomer or something because I'm completely overwhelmed and flattered by the amount of attention I'm getting from men. How am I supposed to choose who to date?

Had a great date yesterday with a really sweet guy. I'll call him IT guy. He walked in on his ex banging another dude last VDAY. He can meet my need for affection, admiration for sure. He's open and honest, and I know he won't cheat. He also doesn 't have kids- but was raising his ex's son which I like. I think I would like him better if he was in a bit better shape. I usually date skinny guys and he's got a little more than I'm used to. He seems really vulnerable though and I'm worried I might hurt him. I get the vibe from him that he thinks I'm out of his league. Which makes me wonder- am I? I need to have a chat with him about my plans to date around. I don't think he's going to like that. He would be a very convenient boyfriend, but I'm going to try to avoid that since that was my pattern in the past. We've got another date on Thursday.

Then I have a whole handful of other guys also vying for my attention. I like different things about each of them. How do you pick who to date?


Personally, i would be hesitant to date anyone just out of a marriage.

Also make sure you verify these people are divorced.
A lot of people lie. You can check their names on the court websites

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I sympathize with trying to figure out who to date; it's tough! I echo Jedi regarding checking court websites for people. You learn quite a bit that way and you can never be too safe. Take it slow and see how it goes with IT guy and others.


Age - 35
Divorce Final - 3/5/12

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Don't choose him just cause you think he would never cheat.

That would be a false impression. Anyone could cheat. You can never be lulled into a false sense of it not being possible.







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Thanks everyone! Jedi- I've got buyers renters freeloaders on my bookshelf. I'll crack it again to remind myself. I really struggle being a freeloader!


BS-me 35
WXH-37
DS- 3.5 yrs old
DD 2 yrs old
Married for eleven years, together for fifteen
DDay August 2012 Found inappropriate text message
12/7/12 knew for sure he was sexting with men
12/9/12 Partial exposure, and truth about PA's revealed by WH
12/19/12 Full exposure
1/9/13 Plan B
Jan 2013 filed for divorce
1/27/2014 Divorce finalized
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 9
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Kudos on recognizing that you previously moved too fast into relationships. It takes a lot of courage and strength to take from failed relationships what YOU can do for YOU.

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Thanks Sad!

I haven't dated since college. I've had three boyfriends one of which became my husband. I have ALOT to learn about dating lol!

I talked with IT guy about dating others. He's not thrilled but he understands.

Thanks for the reminder to check the court records.

Jedi- I kind of like that IT guy and I are both newly divorced. We are kinda going through the same things at the same time.

I've also got another guy to date-sales guy. It may be awhile until I see him
Since I will be out of town on my next kid free weekend.

What experiences have you had with online dating? Any favorite sites? I need to get some pictures together. I just cut 17 inches off my hair to donate, so I need some new pics!


BS-me 35
WXH-37
DS- 3.5 yrs old
DD 2 yrs old
Married for eleven years, together for fifteen
DDay August 2012 Found inappropriate text message
12/7/12 knew for sure he was sexting with men
12/9/12 Partial exposure, and truth about PA's revealed by WH
12/19/12 Full exposure
1/9/13 Plan B
Jan 2013 filed for divorce
1/27/2014 Divorce finalized
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 777
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Which site do you think requires the least effort for the best results? Match? Tinder? Something else?


BS-me 35
WXH-37
DS- 3.5 yrs old
DD 2 yrs old
Married for eleven years, together for fifteen
DDay August 2012 Found inappropriate text message
12/7/12 knew for sure he was sexting with men
12/9/12 Partial exposure, and truth about PA's revealed by WH
12/19/12 Full exposure
1/9/13 Plan B
Jan 2013 filed for divorce
1/27/2014 Divorce finalized
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 777
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Just wanted to update. I've joined three online sites- Eharmony, OKCupid, and Tinder. EHarmony is the least effective. I've only had one match in 6 weeks. I sent him a smile, but he didn't respond. Tinder is nice because only people you have liked can message you. This means I have far fewer messages to sort through. But you have to chat to determine compatibility. PA is not a top need for me, so I find myself not using this app very often. I like OK Cupid. I like the compatibility section. I can easily check a guy's profile and see if I'm interested in messaging back.

Thus far I've dated IT guy, whom I broke it off with because I felt I needed to find someone with more compatibility. I breifly dated another guy- crunchy guy whom I had very high compatibility but he wouldn't continue to date me if I wanted to date around (30 dates). I've gone on several first dates.

I'm wondering what the best way is for a women to let a guy know she's interested on these sights. I believe the man should be the pursuer, but I'd like to be proactively looking for guys, rather than waiting for someone to find me. So If I come across someone interesting, how can I initiate something without coming across as the persuer?


BS-me 35
WXH-37
DS- 3.5 yrs old
DD 2 yrs old
Married for eleven years, together for fifteen
DDay August 2012 Found inappropriate text message
12/7/12 knew for sure he was sexting with men
12/9/12 Partial exposure, and truth about PA's revealed by WH
12/19/12 Full exposure
1/9/13 Plan B
Jan 2013 filed for divorce
1/27/2014 Divorce finalized
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 656
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With OKCupid, normally just the looking at my profile caught my attention. If the site notified me that a woman had been looking at me, I normally looked at her profile in return and messaged if I was interested. I normally had better success with this than cold messaging because I figured they "might" be interested if they took the time to glance at my profile after seeing my picture. So... My advice to you would be to search out and look at profiles of guys you might be interested in. Don't wink, don't message; just look.


Age - 35
Divorce Final - 3/5/12

S - 13
S - 10
D - 8
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